I was delirious from lack of sleep (did not sleep AT ALL during the night) and simultaneously very keyed up.
Last night was the one year anniversary of my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
I'm not quite to one year of sobriety... that's not until November 22 (slipped twice, somewhat intentionally, in the first 30 days). But going to the AA meeting is one of the bravest things I have ever done. Nobody forced me to go. Nobody went with me. I, agoraphobic, anxious, shy Em, found the strength and the courage to walk into an AA meeting, full of strangers, alone.
Going to an AA meeting for the first time is scary enough when you're not a little ball of anxiety. I know, because of the countless stories I've heard. And, I mean, think about it... admitting that you have an addiction to alcohol, that you are letting your life be ruled by a nearly uncontrollable, never-ceasing craving to drink. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. Not only are you admitting this shit to yourself... you're admitting it to a room full of total strangers.
Needless to say, it takes a lot. Lots of inner strength, lots of courage. But it is very possible- and very worth it.
I'm still not convinced I need to abstain from alcohol my whole life.
Alcohol itself wasn't the thing I was addicted to; I was addicted to the way it made me feel. The rush of self-confidence it gave me. The way the room warmed and blurred, making everything seem "safe." The feeling of contentment. The numbness. The blacking out; not having to worry about insomnia. And the forgetfulness- in the morning I never remembered how stupid I'd behaved; I only knew what Vuni told me.
I'm proud to say that, while I feel a slight sense of longing for these things... it's such a fleeting desire. Like a veil hiding something hideous; pretty, but look beyond it, and there's nothing but despair. I still literally feel sick remembering the absolutely awful hangover I had a year ago yesterday. It was tempting to do the "easy" (and expensive) thing- my parents asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital/a detox center... but no. I felt I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. I needed to burn into my mind just how physically painful it was, how destructive alcohol could be. And this has helped me- because that memory has reminded me of why I need to stay away from alcohol. Why it's not worth slipping up.
I don't think I could ever get addicted to alcohol again, but now is not the time for me to be taking chances. I'd love to enjoy a tasty beer again, or margarita... but until I am more skilled at using positive coping methods, it's best that I stick to the sobriety path :)
Happy one year- never forget how brave you can be <3
Showing posts with label overcoming fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overcoming fear. Show all posts
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A Bittersweet End... WOOHOO!
HOLY SHIZ.
It's OFFICIAL. IT'S REAL.
On September 3, 2011, Miss Em Jay G. (ME!) received official conformation that she is a college graduate!
WOW.
I keep staring at this sheet of paper, thinking... 7 years of blood, sweat, tears and lots of $$$ went into this little piece of parchment. I did it. I graduated from college. I know it may not seem like that big of a deal; I know a lot of people graduate with a B.S. and higher every year, but I am damn proud of myself.
Many, many times, I didn't think I'd ever get to see my diploma; it often seemed impossible. In the darkest of moments, I thought I'd probably end up dead before I would ever see it; a good majority of the time, I thought the anxiety would just be too much, and I'd give up and drop out of school. I was tempted to every. single. semester. But I didn't give up.
It's a very bittersweet feeling to be finished. Part of it still feels very unreal, though the fact that I am finished has sunk in now that I have proof. A part of me, in the back of my mind, is still a little sad, BUT- seeing my diploma, I feel so happy and so PROUD of myself, that I just want to be giddy and enjoy the moment... even if the future is uncertain.
Damn I'm feeling empowered; I'm dead serious when I say I thought earning this degree was impossible... yet I still trudged through. All I gotta say, people, is if you want something bad enough- NEVER GIVE UP.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Communication: So Easy Said, So Difficult Done
So, I just graduated with a degree in Mass Communications. My emphasis area was electronic/new media. I know a lot about it; but it doesn't take a degree in MaCom to know that the world is rapidly becoming more and more connected through technology and social media.
When I was hanging out with my mom's 2nd grade class the other day, I showed them a video of my parents' little dog, Penny, thru my iPod by sticking it under my mom's document camera (thank you, technology). The kids squealed with excitement, and several exclaimed, "Em, you need to put that video on YouTube!!" What??? These are 2nd graders, people! Seven and 8 year olds! I don't know why this mildly surprised me; I know tweens who have nicer phones than I do. It's easier than ever to connect with people from all over the world, to express yourself, to share your talents and become a star, all thanks to technology and social media.
That being said... I almost feel like true communication has gone downhill. Emails and Facebook messages take the place of snail mail, blogs take the place of journals and scrapbooks, and iChat and Twitter take the place of face-to-face conversations.
I'm not trying to completely blame social media, or even say that it's a bad thing... I just don't think it should take the place of honest, open, real conversations.
Because it was a lack of communication that caused the fight Vuni and I got in. While I don't attribute our fight directly to too much social media and such, I have noticed that a lot gets lost in translation because we send each other texts or emails, that come across in much different tones than what we sent them in.
Anyways, I'll get on to the main point: we did kiss and make up, but it wasn't easy.
I will spare the gory details of our conversation, but give you the gist of what happened. It started by me saying, "So... are you going to talk to me? Because I am the one who always does all of the talking. It's your turn." To my surprise, he said, "I know... I read your blog." What? Shock! I feel bad for not having faith in him, but he had never said anything about it; I assumed that after I first told him about my blog, maybe he'd check it out quickly to humor me, not actually read anything. Anyways, at first, it was, as I expected, like pulling teeth. I'd talked about how hard it is for Vuni to communicate when it comes to very serious issues and emotions in my previous post, so I was not expecting it to be easy.
But what I learned, more than anything, is just how crucial communication is, in any relationship. I've always felt like he and I have had relatively good communication skills; we rarely argue, and when we do, we're the "never go to bed angry" people (well... usually). I am very blessed in the fact that Vuni has even been eager to attend therapy secessions in the past, something I know that is very difficult for many men. I wasn't anticipating that, the deeper you get into a relationship, just how much harder you need to work and how much more effort needs to be put into honest communication. I was somewhat naive, but I assumed that because we've been together so long, love would work things out for us... when the reality is, you have to work to make love work.
My therapist has told us that relationships are like a Venn Diagram
The relationship is compromised of two unique individuals, who come together as a couple (the middle part). Hence, two people with dreams, goals, ideas, morals, ect. Sometimes they share these things, sometimes they don't; the couples that work are the ones who know how to communicate, and are able to work through their differences (which can mean a lot of different things).
The problem is, I haven't been getting the whole picture of Vuni. I do not completely blame him; I understand that he was not raised to express his feelings or have deep discussions, but rather to look the other way. So I realize that the communication factor is difficult for him; but I honestly believe that, during our conversation last night, he realized, like myself, just how important that honesty is.
Because I don't know what he's thinking; I don't know, so I assume. And I was assuming a lot of things wrong. Not only that, but he was able to explain things to me, such as why he is hesitant to get married. Had I known his reason, I wouldn't have felt so hurt or worried that I was "not enough."
After last night, I am aware of so much more. I'm not unappreciated; I am loved immensely by an absolutely wonderful man. We just have things we need to work through, things we need to do, before we can keep moving forward together in life. I feel confident now, though, that as long as we're doing what we need to, and as long as we stay honest with each other, love will find a way.
When I was hanging out with my mom's 2nd grade class the other day, I showed them a video of my parents' little dog, Penny, thru my iPod by sticking it under my mom's document camera (thank you, technology). The kids squealed with excitement, and several exclaimed, "Em, you need to put that video on YouTube!!" What??? These are 2nd graders, people! Seven and 8 year olds! I don't know why this mildly surprised me; I know tweens who have nicer phones than I do. It's easier than ever to connect with people from all over the world, to express yourself, to share your talents and become a star, all thanks to technology and social media.
That being said... I almost feel like true communication has gone downhill. Emails and Facebook messages take the place of snail mail, blogs take the place of journals and scrapbooks, and iChat and Twitter take the place of face-to-face conversations.
I'm not trying to completely blame social media, or even say that it's a bad thing... I just don't think it should take the place of honest, open, real conversations.
Because it was a lack of communication that caused the fight Vuni and I got in. While I don't attribute our fight directly to too much social media and such, I have noticed that a lot gets lost in translation because we send each other texts or emails, that come across in much different tones than what we sent them in.
Anyways, I'll get on to the main point: we did kiss and make up, but it wasn't easy.
I will spare the gory details of our conversation, but give you the gist of what happened. It started by me saying, "So... are you going to talk to me? Because I am the one who always does all of the talking. It's your turn." To my surprise, he said, "I know... I read your blog." What? Shock! I feel bad for not having faith in him, but he had never said anything about it; I assumed that after I first told him about my blog, maybe he'd check it out quickly to humor me, not actually read anything. Anyways, at first, it was, as I expected, like pulling teeth. I'd talked about how hard it is for Vuni to communicate when it comes to very serious issues and emotions in my previous post, so I was not expecting it to be easy.
But what I learned, more than anything, is just how crucial communication is, in any relationship. I've always felt like he and I have had relatively good communication skills; we rarely argue, and when we do, we're the "never go to bed angry" people (well... usually). I am very blessed in the fact that Vuni has even been eager to attend therapy secessions in the past, something I know that is very difficult for many men. I wasn't anticipating that, the deeper you get into a relationship, just how much harder you need to work and how much more effort needs to be put into honest communication. I was somewhat naive, but I assumed that because we've been together so long, love would work things out for us... when the reality is, you have to work to make love work.
My therapist has told us that relationships are like a Venn Diagram
The problem is, I haven't been getting the whole picture of Vuni. I do not completely blame him; I understand that he was not raised to express his feelings or have deep discussions, but rather to look the other way. So I realize that the communication factor is difficult for him; but I honestly believe that, during our conversation last night, he realized, like myself, just how important that honesty is.
Because I don't know what he's thinking; I don't know, so I assume. And I was assuming a lot of things wrong. Not only that, but he was able to explain things to me, such as why he is hesitant to get married. Had I known his reason, I wouldn't have felt so hurt or worried that I was "not enough."
After last night, I am aware of so much more. I'm not unappreciated; I am loved immensely by an absolutely wonderful man. We just have things we need to work through, things we need to do, before we can keep moving forward together in life. I feel confident now, though, that as long as we're doing what we need to, and as long as we stay honest with each other, love will find a way.
LoveLoveLove
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Escaping the Realm of AlcoHELL: part 3
Although realizing and admitting I needed help, and attending my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was for sure the hardest part and biggest step I could take towards overcoming my problem with alcohol, it was only the beginning.
In fact, my first AA meeting was only the beginning of a very long night; one of the longest and yet, most relieving nights of my life.
Vuni and I drove back to my parent's house after that first meeting.
I knew shit was going to be rough the moment I walked into my parent's house. If anyone has ever had an intervention done on them... or even, a serious talk from their parents, you know that strange feeling where the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable, and a lot is about to be admitted and discussed. I could sense it as soon as I walked through the doorway; my dad steered me to the couch, and sat me down between himself and my mom. Vuni, looking like a nervous wreck, sat on the loveseat.
My dad then asked, "do you have anything to tell us?"
Ack.
My parents are truly wonderful people- the kind where, even for someone like myself, who can't stand to have people mad at her, their disappointment is even worse to face than their anger. I'd faced this kind of thing before, and it scared the crap out of me. However, this time... it was different. I was feeling so empowered, having just taken things upon myself to seek help, that the words just came tumbling out.
To this day, I don't think I was able to convey the amount of anxiety I had been experiencing, but I was able to to admit the extent of my drinking, and everything I'd done wrong in the past year. My parents, needless to say, were in absolute awe that I was not only admitting that I had a problem, but that I was very much willing to get help.
Apparently, before Vuni took me to the AA meeting, my mom had talked to him while I was off somewhere talking to my dad. She asked him, "Is Em okay? Be honest with me," to which Vuni said, "No... she's not okay." While I was at the meeting, Vuni returned to my parents house, and told them about everything that had been going on; so even if I had not been honest with them, they knew. I had kinda figured, as I was explaining everything, that they knew more than they were letting on, and it all made sense when they told me about their talk with Vuni. My poor mother did not have so much faith in me; she had sent Vuni to go drive around the church where the AA meeting was, telling him, "There's no way Em went into that meeting... she probably ran away! Please, make sure she's not outside, wandering around..." I think Vuni did so to humor her, but he had seen me walk into the church with the other AA members, so I think he felt fairly sure that I was alright on my own.
So not only were my parents shocked at my raw honesty, but also, at the fact that I had stuck to my guns and sought help- on my own. Without them forcing or coaxing me into it. Let me tell you, it was a powerful feeling; sure, it sucked admitting at how badly I'd fucked up, but on the flip side, my parents were immensely proud of me for owning up to what I'd done wrong, and wanting to fix it. Poor Vuni seemed overwhelmed with relief; glad that the truth was finally out, and both surprised and thrilled that I was not angry with him for talking to my parents. How could I be, though? He loves me enough to do something that many people would not be willing to do. It took an immense amount of courage, and I will never forget that.
Although the evening had been exhilarating in the fact that it felt SO GOOD to be honest and take steps in the right direction, it was a very rough night indeed. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I could no longer drink to escape. I did not sleep that night.
I hadn't been to school in over a month; I felt like I'd been a nobody there. No one had called me, no one had emailed or Facebooked me to see why I'd just suddenly disappeared. This didn't surprise me; I'd always somewhat thought of myself as the Invisible Girl. But imagine my shock when, five days after my first AA meeting, I was contacted by one of my professors. I'd always liked Ellie; I'd been in several of her classes, but I assumed that I was merely another student to her- just another face in the crowd. So when she said that she wanted to meet me for coffee, to make sure that I was okay, I was humbled and thrilled, and felt that I owed her the truth.
I thought it would be very difficult to admit to her my problems; I wasn't the greatest student, by any means, but I also doubt anyone would have suspected that I was dealing with something as outrageous as alcoholism. I was embarrassed; but once Ellie and I sat down, and I began talking, suddenly it just all came out, much as it had done so with my parents. I worried that she would see me differently; I worried that she would doubt my abilities, and see me as a failure, just another student who would drop out because she was stupid and screwed up.
She didn't.
In fact, she has never given up on me. I have had some awesome teachers and professors throughout my school years; none quite compare to Ellie, however. I would not have found the courage to return to school without her; she has helped see me through it to the end, and always been there, whether I needed help with something regarding school, or just bitching and crying about life.
But back to the alcohol story ;)
After confessing my issues to Ellie, I began attending an AA meeting every day. You would think, that life without school or job would be easy; it was one of the hardest times of my life.
Less than a week before I was about to reach my 30 day sobriety, I began to get scared. I don't know why; for some reason, I was afraid of reaching a solid monument of time. I was afraid... what if I reached the 30 days milestone, then slipped, and had to start all over again? Would my 30 Day chip mean nothing? So I purposely went out and bought some vodka. The first time, I didn't get caught; when I made the same mistake again, several days later and a day before what would have been my 30 days, I happened to call my younger brother while tipsy. He alerted my parents; I got chewed out by both them and Vuni the next day :( However, that was all I needed to shake that irrational fear out of me. November 19, 2010, at about 10:45 in the evening, was the last time I drank.
I continued to attend at least one AA meeting every day. I actually looked forward to them; even though I didn't talk much, I loved being around people who knew exactly what I was going through. I'd bring my sketch book (I'm a restless person, what can I say), and as I listened to other people around me share their thoughts and emotions in relations to substance issues, I'd draw. It was a wonderful sort of therapy, and it kept me sane when I thought the anxiety and lack of alcohol was getting out of control.
Although I found the meetings extremely helpful, and credit them for being my saving grace (aside from Vuni, my parents, and a few other people including Ellie), I began to have some issues with things in the program. I was meeting with my sponsor, L, fairly regularly, but I felt that things were not moving along in that sense because L and I were not seeing eye to eye on some things; when I admitted that I occasionally smoked weed and took anti-anxiety meds, she voiced her concern. While I understand the whole "nothing that affects you from the neck up," mentality that she was getting at, I didn't agree with it- especially since she seemed to think that it was wrong that I was on medication to manage my panic attacks. I decided to switch sponsors, but when my potential new sponsor voiced expressed the same opinion, I felt that it was time for me to go sponsorless.
In a weird way, I think this experience with my (potential) sponsors is what strengthened my resolve. You can call it stubbornness, but the fact that they said, "Anything affecting you from the neck up will only lead you back to alcohol," lit a tenacious fire in me. I was going to prove that just because I was on medication, it didn't mean I couldn't overcome my issues with alcohol.
Two weeks after going sponsorless, and five days before Christmas, my mom and brother (visiting for the holidays from out of town) came with me to my AA meeting where I received my 30-Day Sobriety coin. It was the last meeting I attended. When asked to tell the group about my 30 days sober, I told them that there is no way I could have done it without the support of AA. That is the honest truth.
Why did I stop going? Some of it goes back to anxiety, but I didn't like the experience I had with my sponsors. I have always had trust issues, and always had trouble connecting people. Throughout my life, I've had a hard enough time making and keeping friends, people you bond with over interests and similarities; imagine me trying to bond with people over substance abuse issues. I felt like I'd taken not one, but two chances being open and honest, and it had backfired in condescending judgement. I'm not angry at either person; if that is their believe, then that is what they believe. To me, they were still two incredible people, who'd done amazing jobs at turning their lives around after such life-controlling issues. However, I wasn't going there to be judged, and I felt like that's what was happening. I love and believe in the program, but when it comes down to the personal, one-on-one portion, I just didn't feel like it worked for me.
I will forever be grateful to AA for getting me through those first (almost) 2 months; for giving me the tools to have faith in myself and faith in something higher then myself. They truly helped me see that things could be better, could be different, and that I did not need alcohol in my life.
That being said... I am not sure I ever was a true alcoholic. I had very serious issues with alcohol; I used it to drown out overwhelming anxiety, to silence the voices I could not.
But in less than two weeks, I will hit 9 months sober. I have not been to an AA meeting since receiving my 30 Day Sobriety chip.
It hasn't been easy, but it has gotten immensely easier with time. I'm not sure at exactly what point it happened (I believe it was somewhere around my 30 days), but I suddenly realized that I no longer craved alcohol; for those first 2 months, especially the first few weeks, I craved it constantly. It was obviously hardest when my anxiety felt the most out of control, but I would often crave it because I missed everything from how it loosened me up to the actual act of drinking. I had to almost completely remove myself from the bar scene (something pretty difficult to do when your boyfriend is a musician) for the first 5 months; only in late spring did I really start going to Vuni's shows again. Now, when I go, I have almost no desire to drink; if I do, it's just because I miss having a rum and coke or whatever while the show's going on, not because I want to get slammed... and I quickly shake off the desire. Memories of what alcohol did to me haunt me, and when I'm actually close enough to smell it, I get nauseated. I'm suddenly taken back to my super hang-over, the one I experienced the day of my first AA meeting; I can easily say I'd never drink again if it meant I'd never have to go through that again.
However, I also am unsure if I have to abstain from alcohol forever. I know that now, at this point in my life, I don't need it. I have no intention to drink now, or any time in the near future, but that's not to say I'd one day be opposed to drinking a wedding toast should Vuni and I get married, or having a little fun the next time we go to Las Vegas. It all depends on where I am at that time; but I truly feel that my experience with alcoholism was such a horrific one, I will never let it control my life again, whether it means never letting another drop of it touch my tongue or not. I really don't know, and I'm not going to say at this point one way or the other. It's up in the air.
What I do know, is that I escaped the realm of alcoholism. I was caught in this spiral of doom for what I believe most alcoholics would consider a short amount of time, but I know, that while I was there, it was pure hell. Anyone going through any type of addiction knows how hard it is; you feel absolutely powerless and that there is no way to quit, while knowing that if you don't, only destruction and death lie ahead of you. It's one hell of an internal battle, but I am proof that it's not impossible. I didn't think it was possible in the beginning, and in the blink of an eye, I've been sober for nearly 9 months.
My anxiety hasn't gone away, and life is still pretty damn rough at this point for me, but it would be in shambles (or not exist at all) had alcohol remained in the picture. Plus, despite the anxiety and things not being where I wish they were, life is so much better without alcohol.
So please, if you're reading this, and you or someone you know has issues with alcohol... seek help. It truly is possible to overcome this addiction; you are never alone. You can escape from the realm of Alcohell.
My "Blue Book," which I received at my first AA meeting
In fact, my first AA meeting was only the beginning of a very long night; one of the longest and yet, most relieving nights of my life.
Vuni and I drove back to my parent's house after that first meeting.
I knew shit was going to be rough the moment I walked into my parent's house. If anyone has ever had an intervention done on them... or even, a serious talk from their parents, you know that strange feeling where the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable, and a lot is about to be admitted and discussed. I could sense it as soon as I walked through the doorway; my dad steered me to the couch, and sat me down between himself and my mom. Vuni, looking like a nervous wreck, sat on the loveseat.
My dad then asked, "do you have anything to tell us?"
Ack.
My parents are truly wonderful people- the kind where, even for someone like myself, who can't stand to have people mad at her, their disappointment is even worse to face than their anger. I'd faced this kind of thing before, and it scared the crap out of me. However, this time... it was different. I was feeling so empowered, having just taken things upon myself to seek help, that the words just came tumbling out.
To this day, I don't think I was able to convey the amount of anxiety I had been experiencing, but I was able to to admit the extent of my drinking, and everything I'd done wrong in the past year. My parents, needless to say, were in absolute awe that I was not only admitting that I had a problem, but that I was very much willing to get help.
Apparently, before Vuni took me to the AA meeting, my mom had talked to him while I was off somewhere talking to my dad. She asked him, "Is Em okay? Be honest with me," to which Vuni said, "No... she's not okay." While I was at the meeting, Vuni returned to my parents house, and told them about everything that had been going on; so even if I had not been honest with them, they knew. I had kinda figured, as I was explaining everything, that they knew more than they were letting on, and it all made sense when they told me about their talk with Vuni. My poor mother did not have so much faith in me; she had sent Vuni to go drive around the church where the AA meeting was, telling him, "There's no way Em went into that meeting... she probably ran away! Please, make sure she's not outside, wandering around..." I think Vuni did so to humor her, but he had seen me walk into the church with the other AA members, so I think he felt fairly sure that I was alright on my own.
So not only were my parents shocked at my raw honesty, but also, at the fact that I had stuck to my guns and sought help- on my own. Without them forcing or coaxing me into it. Let me tell you, it was a powerful feeling; sure, it sucked admitting at how badly I'd fucked up, but on the flip side, my parents were immensely proud of me for owning up to what I'd done wrong, and wanting to fix it. Poor Vuni seemed overwhelmed with relief; glad that the truth was finally out, and both surprised and thrilled that I was not angry with him for talking to my parents. How could I be, though? He loves me enough to do something that many people would not be willing to do. It took an immense amount of courage, and I will never forget that.
Although the evening had been exhilarating in the fact that it felt SO GOOD to be honest and take steps in the right direction, it was a very rough night indeed. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I could no longer drink to escape. I did not sleep that night.
I hadn't been to school in over a month; I felt like I'd been a nobody there. No one had called me, no one had emailed or Facebooked me to see why I'd just suddenly disappeared. This didn't surprise me; I'd always somewhat thought of myself as the Invisible Girl. But imagine my shock when, five days after my first AA meeting, I was contacted by one of my professors. I'd always liked Ellie; I'd been in several of her classes, but I assumed that I was merely another student to her- just another face in the crowd. So when she said that she wanted to meet me for coffee, to make sure that I was okay, I was humbled and thrilled, and felt that I owed her the truth.
I thought it would be very difficult to admit to her my problems; I wasn't the greatest student, by any means, but I also doubt anyone would have suspected that I was dealing with something as outrageous as alcoholism. I was embarrassed; but once Ellie and I sat down, and I began talking, suddenly it just all came out, much as it had done so with my parents. I worried that she would see me differently; I worried that she would doubt my abilities, and see me as a failure, just another student who would drop out because she was stupid and screwed up.
She didn't.
In fact, she has never given up on me. I have had some awesome teachers and professors throughout my school years; none quite compare to Ellie, however. I would not have found the courage to return to school without her; she has helped see me through it to the end, and always been there, whether I needed help with something regarding school, or just bitching and crying about life.
But back to the alcohol story ;)
After confessing my issues to Ellie, I began attending an AA meeting every day. You would think, that life without school or job would be easy; it was one of the hardest times of my life.
Less than a week before I was about to reach my 30 day sobriety, I began to get scared. I don't know why; for some reason, I was afraid of reaching a solid monument of time. I was afraid... what if I reached the 30 days milestone, then slipped, and had to start all over again? Would my 30 Day chip mean nothing? So I purposely went out and bought some vodka. The first time, I didn't get caught; when I made the same mistake again, several days later and a day before what would have been my 30 days, I happened to call my younger brother while tipsy. He alerted my parents; I got chewed out by both them and Vuni the next day :( However, that was all I needed to shake that irrational fear out of me. November 19, 2010, at about 10:45 in the evening, was the last time I drank.
I continued to attend at least one AA meeting every day. I actually looked forward to them; even though I didn't talk much, I loved being around people who knew exactly what I was going through. I'd bring my sketch book (I'm a restless person, what can I say), and as I listened to other people around me share their thoughts and emotions in relations to substance issues, I'd draw. It was a wonderful sort of therapy, and it kept me sane when I thought the anxiety and lack of alcohol was getting out of control.
A page of flower doodles I did over the course of several meetings.
Although I found the meetings extremely helpful, and credit them for being my saving grace (aside from Vuni, my parents, and a few other people including Ellie), I began to have some issues with things in the program. I was meeting with my sponsor, L, fairly regularly, but I felt that things were not moving along in that sense because L and I were not seeing eye to eye on some things; when I admitted that I occasionally smoked weed and took anti-anxiety meds, she voiced her concern. While I understand the whole "nothing that affects you from the neck up," mentality that she was getting at, I didn't agree with it- especially since she seemed to think that it was wrong that I was on medication to manage my panic attacks. I decided to switch sponsors, but when my potential new sponsor voiced expressed the same opinion, I felt that it was time for me to go sponsorless.
In a weird way, I think this experience with my (potential) sponsors is what strengthened my resolve. You can call it stubbornness, but the fact that they said, "Anything affecting you from the neck up will only lead you back to alcohol," lit a tenacious fire in me. I was going to prove that just because I was on medication, it didn't mean I couldn't overcome my issues with alcohol.
Two weeks after going sponsorless, and five days before Christmas, my mom and brother (visiting for the holidays from out of town) came with me to my AA meeting where I received my 30-Day Sobriety coin. It was the last meeting I attended. When asked to tell the group about my 30 days sober, I told them that there is no way I could have done it without the support of AA. That is the honest truth.
My 30-Day Sober Chip; I keep it in my purse as a reminder of my hard work.
Why did I stop going? Some of it goes back to anxiety, but I didn't like the experience I had with my sponsors. I have always had trust issues, and always had trouble connecting people. Throughout my life, I've had a hard enough time making and keeping friends, people you bond with over interests and similarities; imagine me trying to bond with people over substance abuse issues. I felt like I'd taken not one, but two chances being open and honest, and it had backfired in condescending judgement. I'm not angry at either person; if that is their believe, then that is what they believe. To me, they were still two incredible people, who'd done amazing jobs at turning their lives around after such life-controlling issues. However, I wasn't going there to be judged, and I felt like that's what was happening. I love and believe in the program, but when it comes down to the personal, one-on-one portion, I just didn't feel like it worked for me.
I will forever be grateful to AA for getting me through those first (almost) 2 months; for giving me the tools to have faith in myself and faith in something higher then myself. They truly helped me see that things could be better, could be different, and that I did not need alcohol in my life.
That being said... I am not sure I ever was a true alcoholic. I had very serious issues with alcohol; I used it to drown out overwhelming anxiety, to silence the voices I could not.
But in less than two weeks, I will hit 9 months sober. I have not been to an AA meeting since receiving my 30 Day Sobriety chip.
It hasn't been easy, but it has gotten immensely easier with time. I'm not sure at exactly what point it happened (I believe it was somewhere around my 30 days), but I suddenly realized that I no longer craved alcohol; for those first 2 months, especially the first few weeks, I craved it constantly. It was obviously hardest when my anxiety felt the most out of control, but I would often crave it because I missed everything from how it loosened me up to the actual act of drinking. I had to almost completely remove myself from the bar scene (something pretty difficult to do when your boyfriend is a musician) for the first 5 months; only in late spring did I really start going to Vuni's shows again. Now, when I go, I have almost no desire to drink; if I do, it's just because I miss having a rum and coke or whatever while the show's going on, not because I want to get slammed... and I quickly shake off the desire. Memories of what alcohol did to me haunt me, and when I'm actually close enough to smell it, I get nauseated. I'm suddenly taken back to my super hang-over, the one I experienced the day of my first AA meeting; I can easily say I'd never drink again if it meant I'd never have to go through that again.
However, I also am unsure if I have to abstain from alcohol forever. I know that now, at this point in my life, I don't need it. I have no intention to drink now, or any time in the near future, but that's not to say I'd one day be opposed to drinking a wedding toast should Vuni and I get married, or having a little fun the next time we go to Las Vegas. It all depends on where I am at that time; but I truly feel that my experience with alcoholism was such a horrific one, I will never let it control my life again, whether it means never letting another drop of it touch my tongue or not. I really don't know, and I'm not going to say at this point one way or the other. It's up in the air.
What I do know, is that I escaped the realm of alcoholism. I was caught in this spiral of doom for what I believe most alcoholics would consider a short amount of time, but I know, that while I was there, it was pure hell. Anyone going through any type of addiction knows how hard it is; you feel absolutely powerless and that there is no way to quit, while knowing that if you don't, only destruction and death lie ahead of you. It's one hell of an internal battle, but I am proof that it's not impossible. I didn't think it was possible in the beginning, and in the blink of an eye, I've been sober for nearly 9 months.
My anxiety hasn't gone away, and life is still pretty damn rough at this point for me, but it would be in shambles (or not exist at all) had alcohol remained in the picture. Plus, despite the anxiety and things not being where I wish they were, life is so much better without alcohol.
So please, if you're reading this, and you or someone you know has issues with alcohol... seek help. It truly is possible to overcome this addiction; you are never alone. You can escape from the realm of Alcohell.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Escaping the Realm of AlcoHELL: part 2
At approximately 5:30 on October 22, 2010, I was in my boyfriend's car, on my way to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
HO. LY. CRAP.
The idea of going alone to some place new and unexpected is terrifying for me enough in itself. Add in the factor that going to a place full of strangers, where you are expected to admit that you have a serious life-controlling issue, is scary enough for anyone, regardless if you are shy or a social butterfly. I mean, think about it. It would take pure courage for any person to walk into a room full of people they've never met, not knowing in the slightest what to expect, and admit that they are an alcoholic.
So how did this little ball of anxiety manage such a feat?
It is simple and complex at the same time. Simple, because, I was on what I'd like to call a courageous high. I was determined to get help for my alcoholism. My life was going down the toilet, and I knew that I could not continue on this path without something seriously traumatic happening. Forgive me for drawing parallels, but I think Lady Gaga's song "Judas" pretty much sums up what I was going through; alcohol was the demon I was clinging to. I hated it, I knew it was ruining my life, but up until this point, I could not stop. Every single time I bought another bottle of vodka, I told myself, Just this last one. This will be your last one and you then you'll stop. Ha! Anyone who has ever suffered from any type of addiction, regardless of what it is, knows that "this is the last one and then I'll stop," is a load of BULLSHIT. I had come to the point where I knew that telling myself this lie would no longer work; it hadn't worked up until this point, why would it magically work with the next "last one"? I was ready to admit that I couldn't stop on my own, and willing to seek and accept help.
We pulled into the parking lot of the church where the meeting was held. Several people were standing outside, talking, smoking, and laughing. I don't know if this reassured me or scared me even more; I was so incredibly terrified, I don't know that anything could have made things worse. However, I was also feeling so determined, so incredibly strong and brave, that turning back did not cross my mind either. Mentally and emotionally, it was a very strange place to be; but I knew there was no turning back.
With some gentle encouragement from Vuni, and running on my courageous high, I managed to get out of the car. The sun was slowly setting, and it was chilly. I had no idea what I was suppose to do, who I was suppose to approach, or where I was suppose to go (it was a big church). Vuni smiled at me, and I could see the love and encouragement in his eyes. He believed in me. I felt the love bubble surround me. Although it was only a few yards, walking up to the group of people standing outside seemed to take an eternity. It was like I was walking underwater, my chest tightening and begging for oxygen, the pressure crushing me tighter and tighter with each step I took.
One of the people standing outside was a bubbly lady with beautiful red hair and a cigarette in her hand; she looked friendly enough, and more like she was there to attend church than an AA meeting. She was the one I designated to approach.
In my mousy (as Vuni & my parents call it ;) little voice: "Excuse me... but do you know if this is where the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is?"
"It is! Is this your first meeting?"
"Yes."
"Aw, you poor thing! Don't be scared, it's okay. Come on, I'll go inside with you!"
"Okay :) Thank you..."
She put out her cigarette, I nodded to Vuni who was waiting in the car to see that I was okay, and in we walked...
"My name's T, what's yours?"
"Em,"
"Aw, I know it's scary, but you're making the right choice. It will be okay. This is a good place to be."
I followed her down into the church basement, past some classrooms and the nursery, into a large room with tables arranged roughly into a circle, and a bunch of chairs. In the corner stood a table with several coffee makers, cans of coffee and tea and all the fixings, and cookies and candy. A few people had already taken their seats. I sat down next to T, who quietly chatted with me and encouraged me to make myself comfortable, maybe go get some coffee or tea to warm me up. Though still very, very afraid, I was starting to feel less on-edge at this point. I figured the hardest part was probably over, now that I was here and situated.
I wasn't prepared at all for what happened next. As 6:00 drew closer, more and more people trickled in, and although my anxiety was mounting with each person who entered the room, I also felt... comforted? These people greeted each other the way that two family members or good friends would greet one another after a period of separation. Their eyes lit up. Giant, genuine smiles broke out across their faces. They squeezed one another's hands, wrapped one another in bear hug embraces. It wasn't just friendly looking women doing this; grown men, men and women, old and young, those who looked as though they'd seen better days, and those who looked, like T, that they were at the meeting by accident, and were instead heading for some nice event or possibly getting off of work. The room seemed to be getting warmer with all of the genuine affection in the air; I was still very anxious, but I also felt more hopeful, less afraid, and pleasantly surprised.
One of the women I had seen standing outside took her place at the head of the table. I had no idea what this meant; was she a therapist? A volunteer designated to lead the AA meeting? At 6:00 on the dot, she cleared her throat, and loudly called over the chatter, "My name's J and I'm an alcoholic." Immediately, the chatter ceased and a chorus of "Hi J," rang out.
**I am leaving out some details here. If curious, and for further explanation, please see the note at the end of this post.
After the meeting basics were out of the way, J said, "okay, now we'll have introductions, starting on my right."
WHAT?! Introductions?! Are you fucking kidding me?! There's got to be 40+ strangers in here, and I have to introduce myself to them?!
Yeah, that's what was happening. One by one, every single person announced, "Hi, my name's --- and I'm and alcoholic," to which they would receive a chorused response "Hi ---!" My heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid I was either going to pass out, or set off my ICD; but the next thing I knew, the group was saying, "Hi ---!" to the person on my left.
"I'm Em and I'm an alcoholic,"
Just like that, I said it. It felt like I'd jumped off of some high point, where I had been fearful anticipating what would happen, only to land on a billowy pile of pillows. And I felt relief! I had honestly proclaimed to this group of strangers that I was an alcoholic, and dammit, I was here to take care of that problem.
For the rest of the meeting, I sat and listened, fascinated, as various members of this brave group spoke. Really, whatever I had anticipated up until this point, I had not expected anything like this.
The meeting ended, and suddenly, I found myself swarmed by a group of people. A cute little gal, I assumed roughly my age, was the first to approach me. She introduced herself (L), and began talking to me; complimenting me for be so brave to take the first steps towards coming to terms with my problem, introducing me to other regulars in the group, filling me in on details of the meeting, reassuring me that we were all in the same boat, and giving me a sheet listening all of the daily meetings and their times/locations in our city. She asked someone to get me a Blue Book, and walked me outside. It was dark now, and I could see Vuni's car parked in the shadows. To my surprise, it was already about 7:15; by nature, I had planned to bolt as soon as the meeting was over.
L chatted with me for another minute, reassured me that I truly was making the right choice, and gave me her phone number and hug, telling me that I could call her if I need anything, anything at all.
I made my way to Vuni's car feeling an overwhelming (yes, weird!) sense of relief, slid into the passenger's seat, and turned to Vuni.
"Well? How was it?"
"It was unreal. It was amazing..."
** I am a little unsure of just how much detail I could go into about the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting; although I have not been to a meeting this year, I am well aware of the severity and importance of anonymity of the organization. That being said, I also know just how terrifying the anticipation of that first meeting is. It had taken several weeks of agonizing and worrying about what the first meeting would be like until I finally had the courage... and the final straw... to go to that first meeting. If I had had some sort of idea, even the slightest as to how the meeting would actually take place, I might not have waited so long. I might have sought help sooner. So I feel comfortable sharing as much as I feel necessary to tell my story.
HO. LY. CRAP.
The idea of going alone to some place new and unexpected is terrifying for me enough in itself. Add in the factor that going to a place full of strangers, where you are expected to admit that you have a serious life-controlling issue, is scary enough for anyone, regardless if you are shy or a social butterfly. I mean, think about it. It would take pure courage for any person to walk into a room full of people they've never met, not knowing in the slightest what to expect, and admit that they are an alcoholic.
So how did this little ball of anxiety manage such a feat?
It is simple and complex at the same time. Simple, because, I was on what I'd like to call a courageous high. I was determined to get help for my alcoholism. My life was going down the toilet, and I knew that I could not continue on this path without something seriously traumatic happening. Forgive me for drawing parallels, but I think Lady Gaga's song "Judas" pretty much sums up what I was going through; alcohol was the demon I was clinging to. I hated it, I knew it was ruining my life, but up until this point, I could not stop. Every single time I bought another bottle of vodka, I told myself, Just this last one. This will be your last one and you then you'll stop. Ha! Anyone who has ever suffered from any type of addiction, regardless of what it is, knows that "this is the last one and then I'll stop," is a load of BULLSHIT. I had come to the point where I knew that telling myself this lie would no longer work; it hadn't worked up until this point, why would it magically work with the next "last one"? I was ready to admit that I couldn't stop on my own, and willing to seek and accept help.
We pulled into the parking lot of the church where the meeting was held. Several people were standing outside, talking, smoking, and laughing. I don't know if this reassured me or scared me even more; I was so incredibly terrified, I don't know that anything could have made things worse. However, I was also feeling so determined, so incredibly strong and brave, that turning back did not cross my mind either. Mentally and emotionally, it was a very strange place to be; but I knew there was no turning back.
With some gentle encouragement from Vuni, and running on my courageous high, I managed to get out of the car. The sun was slowly setting, and it was chilly. I had no idea what I was suppose to do, who I was suppose to approach, or where I was suppose to go (it was a big church). Vuni smiled at me, and I could see the love and encouragement in his eyes. He believed in me. I felt the love bubble surround me. Although it was only a few yards, walking up to the group of people standing outside seemed to take an eternity. It was like I was walking underwater, my chest tightening and begging for oxygen, the pressure crushing me tighter and tighter with each step I took.
One of the people standing outside was a bubbly lady with beautiful red hair and a cigarette in her hand; she looked friendly enough, and more like she was there to attend church than an AA meeting. She was the one I designated to approach.
In my mousy (as Vuni & my parents call it ;) little voice: "Excuse me... but do you know if this is where the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is?"
"It is! Is this your first meeting?"
"Yes."
"Aw, you poor thing! Don't be scared, it's okay. Come on, I'll go inside with you!"
"Okay :) Thank you..."
She put out her cigarette, I nodded to Vuni who was waiting in the car to see that I was okay, and in we walked...
"My name's T, what's yours?"
"Em,"
"Aw, I know it's scary, but you're making the right choice. It will be okay. This is a good place to be."
I followed her down into the church basement, past some classrooms and the nursery, into a large room with tables arranged roughly into a circle, and a bunch of chairs. In the corner stood a table with several coffee makers, cans of coffee and tea and all the fixings, and cookies and candy. A few people had already taken their seats. I sat down next to T, who quietly chatted with me and encouraged me to make myself comfortable, maybe go get some coffee or tea to warm me up. Though still very, very afraid, I was starting to feel less on-edge at this point. I figured the hardest part was probably over, now that I was here and situated.
I wasn't prepared at all for what happened next. As 6:00 drew closer, more and more people trickled in, and although my anxiety was mounting with each person who entered the room, I also felt... comforted? These people greeted each other the way that two family members or good friends would greet one another after a period of separation. Their eyes lit up. Giant, genuine smiles broke out across their faces. They squeezed one another's hands, wrapped one another in bear hug embraces. It wasn't just friendly looking women doing this; grown men, men and women, old and young, those who looked as though they'd seen better days, and those who looked, like T, that they were at the meeting by accident, and were instead heading for some nice event or possibly getting off of work. The room seemed to be getting warmer with all of the genuine affection in the air; I was still very anxious, but I also felt more hopeful, less afraid, and pleasantly surprised.
One of the women I had seen standing outside took her place at the head of the table. I had no idea what this meant; was she a therapist? A volunteer designated to lead the AA meeting? At 6:00 on the dot, she cleared her throat, and loudly called over the chatter, "My name's J and I'm an alcoholic." Immediately, the chatter ceased and a chorus of "Hi J," rang out.
**I am leaving out some details here. If curious, and for further explanation, please see the note at the end of this post.
After the meeting basics were out of the way, J said, "okay, now we'll have introductions, starting on my right."
WHAT?! Introductions?! Are you fucking kidding me?! There's got to be 40+ strangers in here, and I have to introduce myself to them?!
Yeah, that's what was happening. One by one, every single person announced, "Hi, my name's --- and I'm and alcoholic," to which they would receive a chorused response "Hi ---!" My heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid I was either going to pass out, or set off my ICD; but the next thing I knew, the group was saying, "Hi ---!" to the person on my left.
"I'm Em and I'm an alcoholic,"
Just like that, I said it. It felt like I'd jumped off of some high point, where I had been fearful anticipating what would happen, only to land on a billowy pile of pillows. And I felt relief! I had honestly proclaimed to this group of strangers that I was an alcoholic, and dammit, I was here to take care of that problem.
For the rest of the meeting, I sat and listened, fascinated, as various members of this brave group spoke. Really, whatever I had anticipated up until this point, I had not expected anything like this.
The meeting ended, and suddenly, I found myself swarmed by a group of people. A cute little gal, I assumed roughly my age, was the first to approach me. She introduced herself (L), and began talking to me; complimenting me for be so brave to take the first steps towards coming to terms with my problem, introducing me to other regulars in the group, filling me in on details of the meeting, reassuring me that we were all in the same boat, and giving me a sheet listening all of the daily meetings and their times/locations in our city. She asked someone to get me a Blue Book, and walked me outside. It was dark now, and I could see Vuni's car parked in the shadows. To my surprise, it was already about 7:15; by nature, I had planned to bolt as soon as the meeting was over.
L chatted with me for another minute, reassured me that I truly was making the right choice, and gave me her phone number and hug, telling me that I could call her if I need anything, anything at all.
I made my way to Vuni's car feeling an overwhelming (yes, weird!) sense of relief, slid into the passenger's seat, and turned to Vuni.
"Well? How was it?"
"It was unreal. It was amazing..."
** I am a little unsure of just how much detail I could go into about the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting; although I have not been to a meeting this year, I am well aware of the severity and importance of anonymity of the organization. That being said, I also know just how terrifying the anticipation of that first meeting is. It had taken several weeks of agonizing and worrying about what the first meeting would be like until I finally had the courage... and the final straw... to go to that first meeting. If I had had some sort of idea, even the slightest as to how the meeting would actually take place, I might not have waited so long. I might have sought help sooner. So I feel comfortable sharing as much as I feel necessary to tell my story.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The Love Bubble- A Shield from Fear
Although I have other past examples that I intend to blog about concerning just how powerful love can be when facing a fear... yesterday something seemingly insignificant happened that I feel the need to blog about. I want to remember it, as a small victory.
Back story: So every Wednesday after work, Vuni lugs his huge, beautiful double bass up to the next city to play with their jazz big band at this restaurant/bar/club type place. The bar tender/waitress girls are bimbo-y looking little chicks, but in general, tend to be nice. Until a few weeks ago; I very politely approached one of them, whom I've since nicknamed Bull, to inform her that my father and I could have gotten very sick, as there was bacon in his dinner (I had a few bites of it). We've both been strict vegetarians for years, and nowhere in the menu did it say that this dish had bacon in it. I realize that it was no one's fault, so I just wanted to politely tell her that perhaps maybe the cooks or whomever puts together the menus should note that the dish contained bacon. Well... instead of, at the very least, smiling and giving a pleasant response just to shut me up- Bull freaking snapped at me like I was being rude- a bitchy, out-of-place patron. I made my way back to our table feeling inches tall, fighting back tears.
One of my biggest issues is when people are rude for no reason; especially when I am perfectly polite and very sweet to everyone. In fact, I'm exceptionally patient and nice, because I know how hard it is to work retail/customer service. I know how much it sucks when a customer yells at you for something completely out of your control, or talks to you like you're stupid and acts like they could do your job better than you, or just happens to take their bad day out on you regardless of how good your service is. It fucking sucks, so I try to be extra polite... even when I might be fuming on the inside and composing a letter of complaint in my head that will never be sent ;) So needless to say, I think it's a pretty crappy deal when I'm the customer, I'm being courteous, and I get the attitude.
Bull wasn't even our waitress that evening, I just happened to let her know of the bacon mishap because I didn't see our waitress anywhere (it was a really busy night, and there was just two of them). When our waitress came to check on us again, I asked her what Bull's name was, and then proceed to say, "Well, she's extremely rude."
And after that, I felt awful.
I don't know why... Bull was rude to me. But I worried that what I'd said had gotten back to her, and suddenly all sorts of thoughts started running through my mind, everything from irrational to.... irrational. What if she gave me a look-to-kill? What if she said something to me and I lost control and had a panic attack? What if she tried to poison mine/my dad's/Vuni's drink? What if she complained to whoever does the booking, and they decide they don't want Vuni to play with the band anymore because his girlfriend is too big of a bitch? What-if-what-if-what-if?! Very irrational... but that doesn't mean I can stop the thoughts, or the fear that comes with it.
I've avoided the "Big Band Venue" for the past few weeks, letting Vuni make the weekly trip with his parents and grandparents. Really, though, I've been avoiding Bull.
This is how it always goes with people, places, situations that scare me. I feel as though I become paralyzed with fear, and simply cannot face it. Must avoid it at all costs, even if it means sacrificing pleasure. (For example... I have been to the mall in our city only twice in the past year (accompanied!), after a horrific experience working at the Joann's in there).
So flash ahead to last night. I agreed to go for the ride, but it is because I wanted to attend the opening of a friend's art showing. This in itself was a huge step, however, it also happened to be a good friend (Tiff), and I love art... which I just realized, is example one of "the love bubble"! I didn't even think about that until now... Tiff's a really chill person and even though I knew I'd be around strangers, I assumed they'd all be legit, considering they were friends of Tiff. But what really pulled me out of that fear was my longing to see Tiff's artwork (mmm! so visually pleasing!).
The art showing was at a little bar/cafe just six blocks from the Big Band Venue, so I walked. I stayed there as long as I felt I could, but left in plenty of time, not wanting to get back to the Big Band Venue late and make Vuni and his parents wait. After a good healthy dose of meditating on Tiff's display, I left feeling a total sense of calm. Drunk on inspiration. Heart exploding with love for creativity and creative people.
And the cherry on the top? It was raining. And I had an umbrella, meaning I wouldn't get cold and wet ;) So I floated back to the Big Band Venue through the rain <3
Once outside the Big Band Venue, I heard the band playing, and started to deflate just a little. Not because of the band (no no, they are wonderfully talented), but because I realized that I would have to either wait outside for the remaining two songs, or go inside... and most likely run into Bull. Oh no. My chest tightened, heart quickened, and I felt an internal battle waging- do I give in to the fear, and stay where I'm safe? Or do I be a strong, supportive girlfriend, and go in to watch my boy's last two songs? I approached the door, then ran back to the car. Twice. Then, I finally collapsed my umbrella, and told myself if you are truly a loving and strong girlfriend, you will face this fear.
And so I went inside. The thought of Vuni, as I could hear his bass before I could see him, surrounded me like a bubble. That's what I imagined. Tacky as it sounds, I pictured the love I feel for this guy coming out of me and surrounding me; not making the fear go away, but making me stronger than it. Yes, I saw Bull. Yes, I felt nervous and tried to stay as far away from her as possible. And yes... it was only for maybe 10 minutes, during the end of the show... but it is a victory. And those 10 minutes were worth it; when I see and hear Vuni playing his bass, I fall in love with him all over. And suddenly, I was floating again.
Back story: So every Wednesday after work, Vuni lugs his huge, beautiful double bass up to the next city to play with their jazz big band at this restaurant/bar/club type place. The bar tender/waitress girls are bimbo-y looking little chicks, but in general, tend to be nice. Until a few weeks ago; I very politely approached one of them, whom I've since nicknamed Bull, to inform her that my father and I could have gotten very sick, as there was bacon in his dinner (I had a few bites of it). We've both been strict vegetarians for years, and nowhere in the menu did it say that this dish had bacon in it. I realize that it was no one's fault, so I just wanted to politely tell her that perhaps maybe the cooks or whomever puts together the menus should note that the dish contained bacon. Well... instead of, at the very least, smiling and giving a pleasant response just to shut me up- Bull freaking snapped at me like I was being rude- a bitchy, out-of-place patron. I made my way back to our table feeling inches tall, fighting back tears.
One of my biggest issues is when people are rude for no reason; especially when I am perfectly polite and very sweet to everyone. In fact, I'm exceptionally patient and nice, because I know how hard it is to work retail/customer service. I know how much it sucks when a customer yells at you for something completely out of your control, or talks to you like you're stupid and acts like they could do your job better than you, or just happens to take their bad day out on you regardless of how good your service is. It fucking sucks, so I try to be extra polite... even when I might be fuming on the inside and composing a letter of complaint in my head that will never be sent ;) So needless to say, I think it's a pretty crappy deal when I'm the customer, I'm being courteous, and I get the attitude.
Bull wasn't even our waitress that evening, I just happened to let her know of the bacon mishap because I didn't see our waitress anywhere (it was a really busy night, and there was just two of them). When our waitress came to check on us again, I asked her what Bull's name was, and then proceed to say, "Well, she's extremely rude."
And after that, I felt awful.
I don't know why... Bull was rude to me. But I worried that what I'd said had gotten back to her, and suddenly all sorts of thoughts started running through my mind, everything from irrational to.... irrational. What if she gave me a look-to-kill? What if she said something to me and I lost control and had a panic attack? What if she tried to poison mine/my dad's/Vuni's drink? What if she complained to whoever does the booking, and they decide they don't want Vuni to play with the band anymore because his girlfriend is too big of a bitch? What-if-what-if-what-if?! Very irrational... but that doesn't mean I can stop the thoughts, or the fear that comes with it.
I've avoided the "Big Band Venue" for the past few weeks, letting Vuni make the weekly trip with his parents and grandparents. Really, though, I've been avoiding Bull.
This is how it always goes with people, places, situations that scare me. I feel as though I become paralyzed with fear, and simply cannot face it. Must avoid it at all costs, even if it means sacrificing pleasure. (For example... I have been to the mall in our city only twice in the past year (accompanied!), after a horrific experience working at the Joann's in there).
So flash ahead to last night. I agreed to go for the ride, but it is because I wanted to attend the opening of a friend's art showing. This in itself was a huge step, however, it also happened to be a good friend (Tiff), and I love art... which I just realized, is example one of "the love bubble"! I didn't even think about that until now... Tiff's a really chill person and even though I knew I'd be around strangers, I assumed they'd all be legit, considering they were friends of Tiff. But what really pulled me out of that fear was my longing to see Tiff's artwork (mmm! so visually pleasing!).
The art showing was at a little bar/cafe just six blocks from the Big Band Venue, so I walked. I stayed there as long as I felt I could, but left in plenty of time, not wanting to get back to the Big Band Venue late and make Vuni and his parents wait. After a good healthy dose of meditating on Tiff's display, I left feeling a total sense of calm. Drunk on inspiration. Heart exploding with love for creativity and creative people.
Me ("tall," on the chair ;) examining Tiff's display
And the cherry on the top? It was raining. And I had an umbrella, meaning I wouldn't get cold and wet ;) So I floated back to the Big Band Venue through the rain <3
Once outside the Big Band Venue, I heard the band playing, and started to deflate just a little. Not because of the band (no no, they are wonderfully talented), but because I realized that I would have to either wait outside for the remaining two songs, or go inside... and most likely run into Bull. Oh no. My chest tightened, heart quickened, and I felt an internal battle waging- do I give in to the fear, and stay where I'm safe? Or do I be a strong, supportive girlfriend, and go in to watch my boy's last two songs? I approached the door, then ran back to the car. Twice. Then, I finally collapsed my umbrella, and told myself if you are truly a loving and strong girlfriend, you will face this fear.
And so I went inside. The thought of Vuni, as I could hear his bass before I could see him, surrounded me like a bubble. That's what I imagined. Tacky as it sounds, I pictured the love I feel for this guy coming out of me and surrounding me; not making the fear go away, but making me stronger than it. Yes, I saw Bull. Yes, I felt nervous and tried to stay as far away from her as possible. And yes... it was only for maybe 10 minutes, during the end of the show... but it is a victory. And those 10 minutes were worth it; when I see and hear Vuni playing his bass, I fall in love with him all over. And suddenly, I was floating again.
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