An agoraphobic's worst nightmare. Especially mine... I really do not like strangers getting in my space bubble.
I am locking myself in my house, and decorating for Christmas.
I've gone Black Friday shopping a few times with my mom (when I was much younger) but I haven't done it in years... and have no desire (or money, for that matter) to. Going out in public feels like utter chaos to me on a normal day as it is. The few times I went when I was younger, I was honestly kind of terrified. Too much.
Good luck to anyone who will be gaming up for Retail Dooms Day a week from now :) You are a much braver soul than I...
Showing posts with label annoyed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoyed. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Note to Self: You Don't Always Need Permission
Sonofaf*ckingbiscuit.
I started this blog, as well as my tumblr, because I often feel that in the "real" world, I do not have much of a voice. I have been a shy, quiet, ANXIOUS introvert my whole entire life. I have always been obedient, the rule-follower, the peace-maker. Although I don't like being bossed around exactly, and I'd like to think I'm somewhat independent, I've always preferred to be given instruction. Teachers told me what to do, and I did it. Professors told me what to do, and I did it. Employers told me what to do... you get the picture.
Although I feel like I've been doing an okay job at trying to be honest and really say what I'm feeling, I know I also hold back a lot as well. I edit obsessively. I read, and re-read things to make sure they sound right. I delete something if I think it sounds lame or stupid. Believe me, ever since I published my previous post, I've been debating whether or not I should delete it.
Basically, I'm always worried about being judged, and I'm always concerned about having validation.
You know the saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Well, I take that to the extreme. I feel if I don't have something important, relevant, ect. I shouldn't be saying it.
But this is my blog. This is my voice. It matters, and is relevant, because it's mine.
So my new goal is to try and remember that if I feel like writing about something... I should. Write about it, and not worry that it's stupid or that people are judging me. I know that worry will probably stay on the back burner in my mind, but I need to suck it up and just write anyways.
Here's to less self-censored blogging :)
By the way, I should also mention, I electronically met a new friend who planted these thoughts in my head :) Ah, the internet... Tessa, if you read this, thank you for the kind encouragement <3 I so needed it!
I started this blog, as well as my tumblr, because I often feel that in the "real" world, I do not have much of a voice. I have been a shy, quiet, ANXIOUS introvert my whole entire life. I have always been obedient, the rule-follower, the peace-maker. Although I don't like being bossed around exactly, and I'd like to think I'm somewhat independent, I've always preferred to be given instruction. Teachers told me what to do, and I did it. Professors told me what to do, and I did it. Employers told me what to do... you get the picture.
Although I feel like I've been doing an okay job at trying to be honest and really say what I'm feeling, I know I also hold back a lot as well. I edit obsessively. I read, and re-read things to make sure they sound right. I delete something if I think it sounds lame or stupid. Believe me, ever since I published my previous post, I've been debating whether or not I should delete it.
Basically, I'm always worried about being judged, and I'm always concerned about having validation.
You know the saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Well, I take that to the extreme. I feel if I don't have something important, relevant, ect. I shouldn't be saying it.
But this is my blog. This is my voice. It matters, and is relevant, because it's mine.
So my new goal is to try and remember that if I feel like writing about something... I should. Write about it, and not worry that it's stupid or that people are judging me. I know that worry will probably stay on the back burner in my mind, but I need to suck it up and just write anyways.
Here's to less self-censored blogging :)
By the way, I should also mention, I electronically met a new friend who planted these thoughts in my head :) Ah, the internet... Tessa, if you read this, thank you for the kind encouragement <3 I so needed it!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Midnight Sun: A Parallel
I feel so fucking trapped these days, and it only seems to get worse. Every. Single. Day. It's like I'm stuck in one of those rooms, where there's spikes on the walls, and they keep moving closer together. Or a lava pit in the center. Every single day, I wonder how much longer I can teeter on the edge before I fall into the lava.
The biggest worry of all, right now, is my relationship with Vuni.
Who's read Midnight Sun? *raises hand guiltily* I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy the Twilight series... and I've read the partial draft of Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward's perspective) that Stephenie Meyer posted on her official website. I'm feeling a lot like Edward these days... excessively torn.
I know I'm causing Vuni a lot of stress. I know I'm the majority of what's holding him back. I'm pretty convinced, although I haven't smoked around him (I almost never smoke anyways) or physically shoved a cigarette and lighter in his face, that I am the reason he started smoking again... after abstaining so well...
As I've said before, I feel like his parents do not think I am good enough for him (at the very least, I've been put on a pretty good guilt trip regarding not having a job by his mom...). Not only that, but recently, I've literally been having nightmares about his mom just up and chewing me out, telling me that I will never be good enough to deserve her amazing son. It's like I can never escape these thoughts of guilt, shame, and feeling worthless... not even in my sleep anymore. Horrifying.
If we didn't have financial issues (due to MY anxiety disorder), mine and Vuni's life together would be pretty darn awesome. Yes, even despite my anxiety disorder. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I'm being real: I don't ever remember NOT having extreme anxiety, so it's hard for me to imagine life without it. But I've had other periods of time in my life where I've been relatively happy and comfortable, despite the anxiety disorder.
Back to my point! If we didn't have financial issues, it'd eliminate A LOT of the problems we're currently dealing with. I haven't had a job in over a year now. Believe me, I feel immensely guilty about this; EXTREMELY. Vuni doesn't even want to think about "moving forward" in life with things going the way they are now.
Which is why I feel so awful... he'd probably be better off without me.
It's painful thinking that, it's painful typing that, it's all-around unfathomable. I'm a selfish, horrible bitch for what I'm doing to him. If I were a better, selfless person, and if I truly loved him, I'd let him get on with his life, without me, the train-wreck, prisoner-to-her-own-mind.
But I can't.
I know he has the freedom to leave; he himself has told me that he is with me because he loves me. And I'm grateful for this. I'm so thankful that he is able to love the girl behind the anxiety disorder.
Maybe this is why I like the Twilight series. Especially Midnight Sun... Edward disgusted with himself, for being a vampire and feeling undeserving of a human girl's love, but not being able to stay away from her. Not being able to walk away. Edward feeling like Bella is too good for him, and that she deserves so much more. Not having the strength to let go...
... but she loves him. She wants him; she doesn't want him to let go.
I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself, being that I'm comparing my life to a damn vampire romance novel, but nonetheless...
I feel very much like Edward. I can't control the fact that I have an anxiety disorder (I sure as hell didn't ask to have one, and wouldn't wish it on ANYONE). I can control certain aspects of it (major thing I need to work on), but in the mean time, it's wreaking havoc on my life. I'm feeling utterly undeserving of the absolute most amazing person I've ever met... yet for some reason he loves me and wants me. A part of me is telling myself that he would be so much better off without me... but I know I would never have the strength to leave him. Probably because I'm too selfish... maybe because I'm too in love.
Because I love him more than anything. He's given me strength, when I felt like I couldn't cope. He gives me a reason to keep fighting; even when I feel like it's not worth it. He constantly reminds me that yes, there is a person behind the anxiety disorder, and she is very much worth loving.
The anxiety is my midnight; he is my sun.
The biggest worry of all, right now, is my relationship with Vuni.
Who's read Midnight Sun? *raises hand guiltily* I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy the Twilight series... and I've read the partial draft of Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward's perspective) that Stephenie Meyer posted on her official website. I'm feeling a lot like Edward these days... excessively torn.
I know I'm causing Vuni a lot of stress. I know I'm the majority of what's holding him back. I'm pretty convinced, although I haven't smoked around him (I almost never smoke anyways) or physically shoved a cigarette and lighter in his face, that I am the reason he started smoking again... after abstaining so well...
As I've said before, I feel like his parents do not think I am good enough for him (at the very least, I've been put on a pretty good guilt trip regarding not having a job by his mom...). Not only that, but recently, I've literally been having nightmares about his mom just up and chewing me out, telling me that I will never be good enough to deserve her amazing son. It's like I can never escape these thoughts of guilt, shame, and feeling worthless... not even in my sleep anymore. Horrifying.
If we didn't have financial issues (due to MY anxiety disorder), mine and Vuni's life together would be pretty darn awesome. Yes, even despite my anxiety disorder. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I'm being real: I don't ever remember NOT having extreme anxiety, so it's hard for me to imagine life without it. But I've had other periods of time in my life where I've been relatively happy and comfortable, despite the anxiety disorder.
Back to my point! If we didn't have financial issues, it'd eliminate A LOT of the problems we're currently dealing with. I haven't had a job in over a year now. Believe me, I feel immensely guilty about this; EXTREMELY. Vuni doesn't even want to think about "moving forward" in life with things going the way they are now.
Which is why I feel so awful... he'd probably be better off without me.
It's painful thinking that, it's painful typing that, it's all-around unfathomable. I'm a selfish, horrible bitch for what I'm doing to him. If I were a better, selfless person, and if I truly loved him, I'd let him get on with his life, without me, the train-wreck, prisoner-to-her-own-mind.
But I can't.
I know he has the freedom to leave; he himself has told me that he is with me because he loves me. And I'm grateful for this. I'm so thankful that he is able to love the girl behind the anxiety disorder.
Maybe this is why I like the Twilight series. Especially Midnight Sun... Edward disgusted with himself, for being a vampire and feeling undeserving of a human girl's love, but not being able to stay away from her. Not being able to walk away. Edward feeling like Bella is too good for him, and that she deserves so much more. Not having the strength to let go...
... but she loves him. She wants him; she doesn't want him to let go.
I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself, being that I'm comparing my life to a damn vampire romance novel, but nonetheless...
I feel very much like Edward. I can't control the fact that I have an anxiety disorder (I sure as hell didn't ask to have one, and wouldn't wish it on ANYONE). I can control certain aspects of it (major thing I need to work on), but in the mean time, it's wreaking havoc on my life. I'm feeling utterly undeserving of the absolute most amazing person I've ever met... yet for some reason he loves me and wants me. A part of me is telling myself that he would be so much better off without me... but I know I would never have the strength to leave him. Probably because I'm too selfish... maybe because I'm too in love.
Because I love him more than anything. He's given me strength, when I felt like I couldn't cope. He gives me a reason to keep fighting; even when I feel like it's not worth it. He constantly reminds me that yes, there is a person behind the anxiety disorder, and she is very much worth loving.
The anxiety is my midnight; he is my sun.
"My life was an unending, unchanging midnight... so how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?" Edward, from Midnight SunI'll probably write more about this (the issues between Vuni and I) at a later time, but for now, I'm pretty shocked that I was able to draw these parallels. Maybe I'm crazy. If you're feeling sappy, and are interested, here's the link to Midnight Sun. I like it much better than Twilight ;)
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Taking The Bad With The Good
Last weekend Vuni and I went on a short little trip; his ska band had an out-of-town gig that was a 6 hour drive away.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but for as long as I can remember, I have never truly been able to just relax on vacations and getaways, no matter how small they are. I feel riddled with guilt, for some reason; I worry about the kitties back home (I'm lucky enough to say that I've always had a cat in my life ;), but I also worry a lot about money... even if I know that certain money has been saved up/set aside for the trip! Ridiculous.
Anyway, we left town at about 12:30 last Saturday, with the guitarist, drummer, and a bunch of gear in tow. I was determined to learn how to crochet on this little trip. I sat in the passenger's seat with a crochet hook, a tiny pair of scissors, some yarn, a "Crochet for Beginners" book, and Vuni's iPhone so I could watch YouTube how-tos. About an hour before we hit our destination and with aching fingers, I more or less had the gist of it... but I also had to take many photo breaks:
Between crocheting and the breathtaking scenery, it did NOT feel like a 6 hour drive.
We arrived plenty early, so we secured a parking spot at the bar the band's gig was at, then walked downtown to find a place to eat. I wasn't too keen on this. Anyone with an eating disorder can confirm that vacations really agitate the ED... especially if you're really routine driven. Major step out of the comfort zone. But also... I really, really don't like going out to eat as it is. I just feel guilty.
I would've been content, in all honesty, going to McDonalds. (I love the Southwest Salads, sans chicken and dressing, yum yum!) We instead ending up at a fancy and expensive Italian restaurant... where I ironically ordered a flipping $8 Greek salad. After we left there, we wandered by an Indian cuisine restaurant, and I excitedly exclaimed, "Oh! Too bad we didn't see this place first!"
To which Vuni said, "Why? So you could get a salad at an Indian restaurant?"
This stung a little. I wasn't mad at Vuni, because, well, he spoke the truth. But it reminded me of the reasons why I don't like going out to eat in the first place:
1.) I'm terrified of ordering anything other than a salad. ED aside, and I'd probably still be too afraid to get anything besides a salad. I like that everything is fresh and uncooked, and I can easily and clearly see everything, unlike a casserole or something... mostly because I've been a vegetarian for a good majority of my life, and I'm paranoid about my food being cooked/prepared with any meat or meat products.
2.) The fact that I do always get a salad... and when we go to a nice restaurant, it usually is an $8+ meal. For freaking vegetables, sometimes some cheese and/or nuts, and a little dressing. Fuck I feel guilty...
Anyway, we headed back to the bar. Due to a bunch of bullshit band drama caused by ONE band member (mostly stemming from his under [drinking] age girlfriend), they got started an hour behind schedule. This wasn't cool to Vuni and I, who had another 2-2.5 hour drive ahead of us after the show (Vuni wanted to play in a poker tournament the next morning in a town that was 4 hour drive away, so we booked our hotel a city in between).
As I said in my previous post, I was being tortured by the urge to drink. It was a big bar, packed with people, and I felt super lame because this was a 21-and-over show, so I was probably the only person in the crowd not drinking.
Then, some freaking creep came and stood next to me. I edged away from him, but he moved closer and started talking to me; I could immediately tell he was pretty damn tipsy. He said something like, "Don't move, I wanted to come watch them with you," I gave him a quick half smile but didn't say anything. He tried talking some more, but I could hear him too well because the music was so loud. Finally I heard him ask if I knew the band, to which I proudly said, "yes, the bass player is my boyfriend." He didn't seem to like that- at all. His friendly demeanor changed to sullen, and he went quiet for a few minutes.
I tried edging away some more, but I really didn't want to move; I was right at the side of the stage, Vuni and I could easily make eye contact, I was close to the door and bouncer, and had easy access to the restrooms. A prime spot to plant myself. The creep kept edging closer to me though.
I'm not good at dealing with over-friendly, space bubble invading, drunk weirdos. Never have been. This guy was really creeping me out, too. He keep trying to talk to me, and then, started touching me. Putting his arm around me and touching me on the shoulder. I was getting really freaked out, and wanted to escape... but I also didn't want him following me, and I was too chicken to grab the bouncer's attention. I was able to seize my chance when he turned back to the bar to order another beer; I acted like I was heading to the bathroom, then I ducked down behind a crowd of people, and snuck out the door. I moved as fast as I could, went around the side of the bar, and waited a few minutes (with my thumb over the panic button on the car opener) to make sure I wasn't followed. Then I locked myself in the van, and waited until Vuni was finished. Needless to say, he was a little angry about my admirer. I was just creeped out, and happy to be away from him.
Vuni and I departed for our hotel, sans drummer and guitarist (they were staying there, and had other riding arrangements). We figured we'd arrive at our hotel sometime between 1:30-2 am.
We passed through several tunnels on the way there. Funny, we both held our breaths (yes, at ages 24 and 25) to make wishes at the end...
On this drive through the pitch black, listening and singing along to Weird Al (we've been on a major Weird Al kick since seeing him in concert not too long ago), and just enjoying one another's company, I fell in love with Vuni all over again.
I think maybe that's one of the important things about relationships not being perfect. Vuni and I have lived together for just over a year, and it's been our most difficult (out of 5) yet... but nights like the night of this drive make all of the hardships so worth it. I'm reminded of why we're in love; it's the reward a million times over for making it through the rough times. When we first started dating, and I had admitted to him all of the shit I'd been through and that I still had a long road ahead of me, he told me, "I'll be here for you, sitting in your passenger's seat." I don't mean to sound all sappy, but really, despite all of the crap I've dealt with, and how fucked up many other areas of my life are right now... I have Vuni. I love him SO much, it's unreal. Like, how is it possible to love someone so much that you can't describe it in any measurable quantity?
And since I'm being sickeningly romantic... I'll throw in a Twilight reference, and say that that drive, that night, had to go on my list of top favorite nights of my life. My heart was just overflowing with exhilarating, overwhelming love for this boy <3 It made dealing with the feelings of wanting to drink and dealing with that idiot at the bar SO worth it... plus there was the anticipation of locking ourselves in our hotel room :D
We arrived at our hotel shortly before 2 am. I swear I live for the loving, sexy, pre-sleep cuddle sessions with Vuni :D Our hotel was amazing, BTW:
I don't know what's wrong with me, but for as long as I can remember, I have never truly been able to just relax on vacations and getaways, no matter how small they are. I feel riddled with guilt, for some reason; I worry about the kitties back home (I'm lucky enough to say that I've always had a cat in my life ;), but I also worry a lot about money... even if I know that certain money has been saved up/set aside for the trip! Ridiculous.
Anyway, we left town at about 12:30 last Saturday, with the guitarist, drummer, and a bunch of gear in tow. I was determined to learn how to crochet on this little trip. I sat in the passenger's seat with a crochet hook, a tiny pair of scissors, some yarn, a "Crochet for Beginners" book, and Vuni's iPhone so I could watch YouTube how-tos. About an hour before we hit our destination and with aching fingers, I more or less had the gist of it... but I also had to take many photo breaks:
Between crocheting and the breathtaking scenery, it did NOT feel like a 6 hour drive.
We arrived plenty early, so we secured a parking spot at the bar the band's gig was at, then walked downtown to find a place to eat. I wasn't too keen on this. Anyone with an eating disorder can confirm that vacations really agitate the ED... especially if you're really routine driven. Major step out of the comfort zone. But also... I really, really don't like going out to eat as it is. I just feel guilty.
I would've been content, in all honesty, going to McDonalds. (I love the Southwest Salads, sans chicken and dressing, yum yum!) We instead ending up at a fancy and expensive Italian restaurant... where I ironically ordered a flipping $8 Greek salad. After we left there, we wandered by an Indian cuisine restaurant, and I excitedly exclaimed, "Oh! Too bad we didn't see this place first!"
To which Vuni said, "Why? So you could get a salad at an Indian restaurant?"
This stung a little. I wasn't mad at Vuni, because, well, he spoke the truth. But it reminded me of the reasons why I don't like going out to eat in the first place:
1.) I'm terrified of ordering anything other than a salad. ED aside, and I'd probably still be too afraid to get anything besides a salad. I like that everything is fresh and uncooked, and I can easily and clearly see everything, unlike a casserole or something... mostly because I've been a vegetarian for a good majority of my life, and I'm paranoid about my food being cooked/prepared with any meat or meat products.
2.) The fact that I do always get a salad... and when we go to a nice restaurant, it usually is an $8+ meal. For freaking vegetables, sometimes some cheese and/or nuts, and a little dressing. Fuck I feel guilty...
Anyway, we headed back to the bar. Due to a bunch of bullshit band drama caused by ONE band member (mostly stemming from his under [drinking] age girlfriend), they got started an hour behind schedule. This wasn't cool to Vuni and I, who had another 2-2.5 hour drive ahead of us after the show (Vuni wanted to play in a poker tournament the next morning in a town that was 4 hour drive away, so we booked our hotel a city in between).
As I said in my previous post, I was being tortured by the urge to drink. It was a big bar, packed with people, and I felt super lame because this was a 21-and-over show, so I was probably the only person in the crowd not drinking.
Then, some freaking creep came and stood next to me. I edged away from him, but he moved closer and started talking to me; I could immediately tell he was pretty damn tipsy. He said something like, "Don't move, I wanted to come watch them with you," I gave him a quick half smile but didn't say anything. He tried talking some more, but I could hear him too well because the music was so loud. Finally I heard him ask if I knew the band, to which I proudly said, "yes, the bass player is my boyfriend." He didn't seem to like that- at all. His friendly demeanor changed to sullen, and he went quiet for a few minutes.
I tried edging away some more, but I really didn't want to move; I was right at the side of the stage, Vuni and I could easily make eye contact, I was close to the door and bouncer, and had easy access to the restrooms. A prime spot to plant myself. The creep kept edging closer to me though.
I'm not good at dealing with over-friendly, space bubble invading, drunk weirdos. Never have been. This guy was really creeping me out, too. He keep trying to talk to me, and then, started touching me. Putting his arm around me and touching me on the shoulder. I was getting really freaked out, and wanted to escape... but I also didn't want him following me, and I was too chicken to grab the bouncer's attention. I was able to seize my chance when he turned back to the bar to order another beer; I acted like I was heading to the bathroom, then I ducked down behind a crowd of people, and snuck out the door. I moved as fast as I could, went around the side of the bar, and waited a few minutes (with my thumb over the panic button on the car opener) to make sure I wasn't followed. Then I locked myself in the van, and waited until Vuni was finished. Needless to say, he was a little angry about my admirer. I was just creeped out, and happy to be away from him.
Vuni and I departed for our hotel, sans drummer and guitarist (they were staying there, and had other riding arrangements). We figured we'd arrive at our hotel sometime between 1:30-2 am.
We passed through several tunnels on the way there. Funny, we both held our breaths (yes, at ages 24 and 25) to make wishes at the end...
On this drive through the pitch black, listening and singing along to Weird Al (we've been on a major Weird Al kick since seeing him in concert not too long ago), and just enjoying one another's company, I fell in love with Vuni all over again.
I think maybe that's one of the important things about relationships not being perfect. Vuni and I have lived together for just over a year, and it's been our most difficult (out of 5) yet... but nights like the night of this drive make all of the hardships so worth it. I'm reminded of why we're in love; it's the reward a million times over for making it through the rough times. When we first started dating, and I had admitted to him all of the shit I'd been through and that I still had a long road ahead of me, he told me, "I'll be here for you, sitting in your passenger's seat." I don't mean to sound all sappy, but really, despite all of the crap I've dealt with, and how fucked up many other areas of my life are right now... I have Vuni. I love him SO much, it's unreal. Like, how is it possible to love someone so much that you can't describe it in any measurable quantity?
And since I'm being sickeningly romantic... I'll throw in a Twilight reference, and say that that drive, that night, had to go on my list of top favorite nights of my life. My heart was just overflowing with exhilarating, overwhelming love for this boy <3 It made dealing with the feelings of wanting to drink and dealing with that idiot at the bar SO worth it... plus there was the anticipation of locking ourselves in our hotel room :D
We arrived at our hotel shortly before 2 am. I swear I live for the loving, sexy, pre-sleep cuddle sessions with Vuni :D Our hotel was amazing, BTW:
To the North...
To the South
We got ready, got coffee and gas-ola, and headed to the casino for Vuni's tournament. While he was playing, I was working on my crochet, and lo and behold... one of the dealers (I think that's what she was?) helped me out! She corrected my mistakes and answered my concerns... so I can OFFICIALLY say that I know how to crochet now :D
It's amazing all that happened on this short little weekend getaway. It's a reminder that, anxiety disorder or sane (me... and Vuni ;), you have to learn to take the good with the bad; but that being said... "the good" (ahem... GREAT/AMAZING/AWESOME/SPECTACULAR/WONDERFUL) makes the bad all the worthwhile <3
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
It's Not About "Will Power;" Anorexia = Irrational Thinking
So today I was lost in the world of internet, looking at different blogs, when I came across this young mother (19 or 20 I believe) of a 1 year old; she complains constantly about her post-baby body... to the point where one of her posts said something along the lines of "I wish I were anorexic so that I had more will-power." O_O
Excuse me?
You wish you were anorexic?
WHAT. THE. FUCK?
That was my initial reaction. I was furious, to say the least. Then... after I cooled down a little bit, I realized it was just more of an ignorant statement. I can't really be angry with her; sure, it wasn't a smart or considerate thing to say, but not everyone knows about/understands anorexia and other eating disorders. What makes it even worse? All of those fucking stupid "thinspiration" blogs. Seriously, "thinspo" blogs and websites have got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. Disgusting. Like why the hell would you encourage someone to be seriously so sick? I have been to the depths of hell in regards to an eating disorder; I would not wish it on anyone.
** And just my speculation... although I think people who run thinspo blogs obviously have some issues, I doubt the majority of them actually have EDs... I believe they have the "I want to lose weight/have an ED," hungry-for-attention, having an ED is "trendy" mindset. I just seriously can't imagine anyone who has truly dealt with this hell trying to encourage others to go through it.
These thinspo blogs talk about how it's about having control, being in control, will power, yadda yadda yadda. Sure. Maybe it's about "control" in a very surface way. You can resist the urge to eat and any cravings; but what is driving this "control?" Even if one has the best, healthy intentions in the beginning, it spirals out of control... the "control" that is spoken of is being driven by irrational fears.
The "control" is irrational thinking. It's not about having the will power to resist that slice of pizza, it's not about the ability to outright ignore hunger pains. It's a crazy, blown-out-of proportion irrational fear of losing control of a variety of things- eating, gaining weight, not being able to maintain a specific weight, ect. The fear becomes so, so intense that eventually, the battle turns; you're too afraid to eat, so afraid... even when you know that it's killing you, the fear is so overwhelming, you just can't bring yourself to eat.
It's been compared to addiction for a reason. Whether you want to admit it or not, you know the excessive drinking/drug use (or even over-eating) is killing you. You feel like shit. It's ruining your life. But you cannot stop. You tell yourself "today's the last day I ____ (drink/use/eat excessively)" only to find yourself saying the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next...
It's the same with anorexia/bulimia/eating disorder thoughts... only worse.
I can honestly say it's worse, because I've experience it. My anxiety has shrouded itself in several ways throughout my life; until age 14, I was an over-eater. Since then, the anxiety has manifested itself in anorexia, bulimia, and alcoholism. What has been the worst? What am I still dealing with? The eating disorder.
** I am not trying to minimize anyone's problems... issues are issues, no matter what they are. I'm saying for me personally, and based on what my therapist told me (that insurance companies are reluctant to cover ED patient due to low recovery/high relapse rates) EDs seem to be the most difficult to recover from.
I know how difficult it is to be overweight. I was there; by age 13, I had officially crossed the line from "overweight" to "obese." I distinctly remember that Dr. appointment; Dr. went off on my mom, telling her that I desperately needed to lose weight, or I was going to start having some serious health problems. Hahaha... health problems? What about my emotional health? Because this is when the ED voice really started. I'd had these negative voices in my head for years, but after this appointment, they exploded. I'd stand in front of the mirror for hours, agonizing, wishing desperately that I could see bones... I remember "sucking in" my stomach, and I still could not see a single rib bone. I didn't really have a neck. I had a few specific brands of jeans that I would get, because they were the only ones that made a size large enough for me. And yet... I wasn't really doing anything about all of this (besides crying in front of the mirror).
I remember wishing I had my mom's willpower; she ate healthy, exercised 4-5 times a week, and had a cute little figure as a result of this. So I had a good role model. I had every reason to start making changes. But I couldn't. Food was just too tempting. I would watch in awe as my mom would stop eating at 2 slices of pizza... while I was downing my 5th. I couldn't understand how my best friend could get the salad bar and a water, while I devoured a huge basket of fries, a sandwich, and a sugar-loaded bottle of juice. I desperately wanted to eat healthy... but I felt, just like I would 10-11 years later with alcohol, that I could not say "no."
Obviously, things changed.
Recently, after a family member inconsiderately and ignorantly commented on my weight and how I really need to start gaining, I told my mom, "You know what's weird? The prospect of gaining weight... the idea of eating enough to do so... it's scarier and would take so much more power than the idea of dieting and exercising to lose weight. As hard as that was, this is even more difficult."
She thought I was full of shit; she thinks it should be SO easy, that I can and should eat whatever the hell I want. That's okay; I can understand where she's coming from. But it doesn't change things for me. Comparing, side-by-side, what is harder for me... the willpower it took to start losing weight (which, I did in a healthy way, at first) or the power it takes to start eating and gaining weight, eating and gaining is hands down the harder of the two.
When I was overweight, I knew I was overweight, and I needed to change. I had a healthy goal weight; I had something to change for. But now that I'm "underweight"... for starters, I don't desperately want to be at healthy weight, like I wanted to when I was overweight. I don't want to be at a healthy weight at all. So there's not a goal I desperately want to get to; instead, it's something that I already have, but want to cling onto. For another, my mind is constantly confused and playing tricks on me. The numbers/sizes and doctors say that I am "underweight," and even my rational side tells me this... but the irrational thoughts and the mirror continue to scream FAT ASS! at me repeatedly.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm sick of the misconception that eating disorders (specifically anorexia/bulimia) are about "will power," and that it is something to desire, or that it's cool/trendy to have an eating disorder. If you want health problems galore, your relationships to go down the toilet, your social life ruined, little to no chance of succeeding in school/a career, the things you once loved (hobbies) to be distant memories, hours of agonizing in front of a mirror/the scale/at the gym/in the kitchen/bathroom/on the internet even, and a crazy, cruel, irrational voice constantly screaming at you and confusing you as to what is "best" for you, just so you can have the "will power" to lose the little bit of baby fat you gained... just, wow. Think before you speak/write, because eating disorders are not cool, trendy, a joke... and they're for sure not about having will power.
If that were the case, everyone suffering from one would have the "will power" to recover; anorexia is compromised of irrational thinking. The "will power" is nothing but a memory.
Excuse me?
You wish you were anorexic?
WHAT. THE. FUCK?
That was my initial reaction. I was furious, to say the least. Then... after I cooled down a little bit, I realized it was just more of an ignorant statement. I can't really be angry with her; sure, it wasn't a smart or considerate thing to say, but not everyone knows about/understands anorexia and other eating disorders. What makes it even worse? All of those fucking stupid "thinspiration" blogs. Seriously, "thinspo" blogs and websites have got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. Disgusting. Like why the hell would you encourage someone to be seriously so sick? I have been to the depths of hell in regards to an eating disorder; I would not wish it on anyone.
** And just my speculation... although I think people who run thinspo blogs obviously have some issues, I doubt the majority of them actually have EDs... I believe they have the "I want to lose weight/have an ED," hungry-for-attention, having an ED is "trendy" mindset. I just seriously can't imagine anyone who has truly dealt with this hell trying to encourage others to go through it.
These thinspo blogs talk about how it's about having control, being in control, will power, yadda yadda yadda. Sure. Maybe it's about "control" in a very surface way. You can resist the urge to eat and any cravings; but what is driving this "control?" Even if one has the best, healthy intentions in the beginning, it spirals out of control... the "control" that is spoken of is being driven by irrational fears.
The "control" is irrational thinking. It's not about having the will power to resist that slice of pizza, it's not about the ability to outright ignore hunger pains. It's a crazy, blown-out-of proportion irrational fear of losing control of a variety of things- eating, gaining weight, not being able to maintain a specific weight, ect. The fear becomes so, so intense that eventually, the battle turns; you're too afraid to eat, so afraid... even when you know that it's killing you, the fear is so overwhelming, you just can't bring yourself to eat.
It's been compared to addiction for a reason. Whether you want to admit it or not, you know the excessive drinking/drug use (or even over-eating) is killing you. You feel like shit. It's ruining your life. But you cannot stop. You tell yourself "today's the last day I ____ (drink/use/eat excessively)" only to find yourself saying the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next...
It's the same with anorexia/bulimia/eating disorder thoughts... only worse.
I can honestly say it's worse, because I've experience it. My anxiety has shrouded itself in several ways throughout my life; until age 14, I was an over-eater. Since then, the anxiety has manifested itself in anorexia, bulimia, and alcoholism. What has been the worst? What am I still dealing with? The eating disorder.
** I am not trying to minimize anyone's problems... issues are issues, no matter what they are. I'm saying for me personally, and based on what my therapist told me (that insurance companies are reluctant to cover ED patient due to low recovery/high relapse rates) EDs seem to be the most difficult to recover from.
I know how difficult it is to be overweight. I was there; by age 13, I had officially crossed the line from "overweight" to "obese." I distinctly remember that Dr. appointment; Dr. went off on my mom, telling her that I desperately needed to lose weight, or I was going to start having some serious health problems. Hahaha... health problems? What about my emotional health? Because this is when the ED voice really started. I'd had these negative voices in my head for years, but after this appointment, they exploded. I'd stand in front of the mirror for hours, agonizing, wishing desperately that I could see bones... I remember "sucking in" my stomach, and I still could not see a single rib bone. I didn't really have a neck. I had a few specific brands of jeans that I would get, because they were the only ones that made a size large enough for me. And yet... I wasn't really doing anything about all of this (besides crying in front of the mirror).
I remember wishing I had my mom's willpower; she ate healthy, exercised 4-5 times a week, and had a cute little figure as a result of this. So I had a good role model. I had every reason to start making changes. But I couldn't. Food was just too tempting. I would watch in awe as my mom would stop eating at 2 slices of pizza... while I was downing my 5th. I couldn't understand how my best friend could get the salad bar and a water, while I devoured a huge basket of fries, a sandwich, and a sugar-loaded bottle of juice. I desperately wanted to eat healthy... but I felt, just like I would 10-11 years later with alcohol, that I could not say "no."
Obviously, things changed.
Recently, after a family member inconsiderately and ignorantly commented on my weight and how I really need to start gaining, I told my mom, "You know what's weird? The prospect of gaining weight... the idea of eating enough to do so... it's scarier and would take so much more power than the idea of dieting and exercising to lose weight. As hard as that was, this is even more difficult."
She thought I was full of shit; she thinks it should be SO easy, that I can and should eat whatever the hell I want. That's okay; I can understand where she's coming from. But it doesn't change things for me. Comparing, side-by-side, what is harder for me... the willpower it took to start losing weight (which, I did in a healthy way, at first) or the power it takes to start eating and gaining weight, eating and gaining is hands down the harder of the two.
When I was overweight, I knew I was overweight, and I needed to change. I had a healthy goal weight; I had something to change for. But now that I'm "underweight"... for starters, I don't desperately want to be at healthy weight, like I wanted to when I was overweight. I don't want to be at a healthy weight at all. So there's not a goal I desperately want to get to; instead, it's something that I already have, but want to cling onto. For another, my mind is constantly confused and playing tricks on me. The numbers/sizes and doctors say that I am "underweight," and even my rational side tells me this... but the irrational thoughts and the mirror continue to scream FAT ASS! at me repeatedly.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm sick of the misconception that eating disorders (specifically anorexia/bulimia) are about "will power," and that it is something to desire, or that it's cool/trendy to have an eating disorder. If you want health problems galore, your relationships to go down the toilet, your social life ruined, little to no chance of succeeding in school/a career, the things you once loved (hobbies) to be distant memories, hours of agonizing in front of a mirror/the scale/at the gym/in the kitchen/bathroom/on the internet even, and a crazy, cruel, irrational voice constantly screaming at you and confusing you as to what is "best" for you, just so you can have the "will power" to lose the little bit of baby fat you gained... just, wow. Think before you speak/write, because eating disorders are not cool, trendy, a joke... and they're for sure not about having will power.
If that were the case, everyone suffering from one would have the "will power" to recover; anorexia is compromised of irrational thinking. The "will power" is nothing but a memory.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Catharsis: "Un-Friending" for My Sanity
Once upon a time, in land far far away in cyberspace called Facebook, I was adamant to send and receive as many friend requests as possible, change my status multiple times a day, and upload new pictures of myself frequently. Not anymore.
Why?
I absolutely despise what I believe Facebook has become: a place to be nosy as all hell. A place where you can pretend to care about someone because you're their "friend," but really, all you want is to dig up dirt on that person... you don't give a damn about them for real.
I've been guilty of doing that- I'm sure we all have- but it's been a long time.
At first, I was naive and thought it was a good thing, the way Facebook reconnects people and allows you to keep in touch with them. And yeah, it is a good thing- when it works out. For example- I have a friend whom I never really lost touch with, but we've grown apart. We've been friends since we were 8 years old, because our moms are extremely close. He and I are not close friends now, but I love him like a cousin, and I'm pretty sure he'll always be a part of my life... so he is my Facebook friend. We can check up on each other, because even though we're not super close, we genuinely care about each other, you know?
But then, there's people from high school who have added me. High school might as well have been called "Hell School"; my agoraphobia and anxiety, plus the stupid stereotypes of popularity contests and such made my high school experience a miserable one. I actually liked the learning and studying part; it was the social aspect that made it awful. By my senior year, I was hiding out in the library during lunch and only had two friends that I regularly talked to.
So at first, I thought it was kind of neat that people from high school would add me... and then I realized, they don't give a damn about me any more than they did in high school. They didn't want to "reconnect;" they wanted to stick their noses in my business and know if I'd gone the route of success, or was screwing up. I'm not saying I'm innocent as far as being mildly interested in what people are doing now... but I don't send them friend requests just so I can nose around their lives. Pathetic.
What breaks my heart is that I was close to a teacher in high school, Anna. When I graduated, she told me we couldn't stay in touch, at least initially, because of the weird conflict of interest thing. I thought that was a load of crap, but whatever. Earlier this year, nearly 7 years after I graduated HS, to my surprise, she sent me a friend request. I happily accepted. I sent her a message telling her how I was and asking her how she was, only to get a very vague response. Okkkay... so I sent her reply saying we should go get coffee and catch up. She agreed, but didn't give me a time as to when she was available, so I replied with "let me know when you have time." No response. I have heart surgery in June, and Vuni posted via my account to let everyone know that I'd come out from surgery ok. I get a message from Anna several days later, asking a bunch of questions about the surgery. WTF? I give a few vague answers, and once again, tell her that although I'm recovering and can't drive for awhile, my mom could pick me up and I could meet her for coffee to catch up. A week goes by. No response. Furious and hurt, I de-friended her. I couldn't believe it. This situation was absolute proof to me that she did not give a shit about me, but that all she wanted was to butt into my business. I was seriously so hurt.
Another thing that really, really bothers me is when I have been responsive to friends (commenting on their status or pictures) and they never extend the same courtesy. I realize (unlike MANY people) that FB is not a popularity contest, but when I interact with someone, I expect them to interact back with me at least every now and then. A perfect example is a kid named Rick that I went to school with. I loved the kid, thought he was funny and enjoyed commenting on his goofy statuses on FB... but I don't know that he EVER said anything to me on there. Finally, I decided I was sick of this one-sided "friendship" and since I was nearing my graduation and figured I wouldn't be seeing too much of him anymore, I unfriended him as well.
And then, there's friends like Jackie. Jackie was a lot like Rick; I felt as thought the friendship was pretty one sided, especially because Jackie lives half-way across the country, so our "friendship" was pretty much all in cyberspace.
What bothered me about Jackie is... she's WAY too personal. Now, you're may be thinking, Em what the hell? You're spilling all of these crazy thoughts of yours and insane situations you've been in, and you're criticizing someone for being TOO personal? Yes, but let me explain.
My blog is my blog, and it is specifically to share my experiences and thoughts as I try to navigate through life, dealing with both a severe anxiety disorder and potentially life-endangering heart conditions (what a combination...). It's here for people to read, if they want to. If they search for my blog, and decide they want to read it.
That is precisely why I had to delete Jackie; seeing as that things were already rough, with her not contributing much to our "friendship," I just got sick and tired of reading and seeing everything she was posting. She's a health snob- to the max. And while not excessively wealthy, she sure as hell acted like she was made of gold. So part of this is my own jealousy, and I can admit that. But it's a little hard to log onto FB and see her specifically bashing people who drink coffee from 7-11, just because she can afford a $4 cup of "real" Chai tea from Peets every day. It hurts just a little bit when she specifically talks shit about processed foods, just because she can afford to shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joes (while I shrink into the corner with my 18 cent cup of ramen...). And it makes me cringe in sadness and shame when she says that the only place she will buy her jeans at is Nordstroms. I bought a pair of jeans for the first time in months last week. Wanna know where I got them? From the thrift store. What set me over the edge is when she bashed aerobics videos... what the actual fuck? Good for you, that you're a stay at home mom, and can not only afford a membership to the poshest (her word, not mine) fitness club in your city, but that you have all the time in the world to go there and work out whenever, since they also have a super-amazing daycare. My mom, who works full time as 2nd grade teacher, and is involved with extracurricular stuff with the school, maintains quite a nice little body for being almost 50 years old and having a number of health problems... by getting up at 4:15 every morning and working out to various aerobics videos.
I'm not bashing Jackie for having certain opinions about things; what bothers me is that she is constantly sharing these opinions that are, quite frankly, offensive. They are to me (and I know I'm not the only one, as I have seen some people call her out on things here and there). It's not that I don't think people should share their opinions, but I think people need to think before they share their opinions because, let's face it, no matter what your privacy settings are, Facebook has become a pretty public "place." I actually had to delete one of my own cousins (this was several years ago) because she was shamelessly (and without thinking) posting stuff on political/social issues that I found EXTREMELY offensive. Even moreso, I was appalled that she'd just openly post this stuff on FB when she knows that a lot of our family doesn't share similar beliefs; to me, it was worse than if she were to stand on a crowded street corner with a sign and a megaphone.
So you see, I am not clogging up the NewsFeed of everyone who is on my Friends list with why my life is so much better than yours because I can afford everything to be all natural and top-notch (ha) or proclaiming that you are going to go to hell if you're sinning in ways a-b-c/x-y-z.
And then... these friends are the kinds that not everyone has: the triggering ones. People with eating disorders, you know what I'm talking about. For those of you who don't, "triggering" is pretty much as it sounds, someone who, through words or actions (and sadly, appearance) makes the ED voices go off like crazy. Makes you feel fat, want to lose weight, want to not eat, yadda yadda. I haven't had too many of these friends, but thought I'd bring it up, especially because I just de-friended one.
I was very torn about having to unfriend Stevie. I've known her for almost 5 years; we were in treatment together. She is a very sweet girl and a good person, but I've been driven to the edge. Again, part of it may be jealous or envy, but it blows my mind that she has been to some of the top treatment facilities in the country... and she makes no effort to get better. None. She constantly gushes about how she has the "best family in the world!," whom also happen to be very wealthy. She graduated from high school 3 years ago, but has only made it through 1.5 semesters of college. She has never had a job. So... I don't get it. Loving family, no financial worries, no job (so no job stress), and no school stress since her family is obviously (and rightly so) more concerned about her getting healthy before she continues her education. I obviously don't know the whole situation, but I know that I can't be the only one who would love to be in her position. How many people would love to be able to afford the best treatment? Would love to not have to worry about your job, or finances, and could just go and stay in treatment as long as it takes? Stevie spent almost 7 months at her most recent treatment center; a few months after her discharge, she looked as sickly and frail as she did pre-treatment facility. She's been to 5 different treatment facilities with multiple stints in 2 of them since I've known her.
It makes me so angry that Stevie has all of these great opportunities that so many people with eating/mental disorders could only dream of having, and she doesn't even make an effort. Doesn't give a damn, doesn't try. Well, I'm sick of it. It's frustrating as all hell, it's triggering to me, and I don't want to watch her kill herself; especially not when she has all of the money, tools, and support to get through this. So I de-friended her.
I don't know if all of this is a result of the agoraphobia/anxiety having worsening immensely over the past 1-1.5 years, or just the fact that it's the truth (ie, some "normal" people feel the same way). I've become very "quiet" on my FB, and don't post as much pictures as I use to, but regardlessly, I don't want looky-lous who don't give a damn about me nosing around my stuff. I'm sick of one-sided "friendships." I'm sick of FB being a world of too-much-info, where people blurt out random things without thinking about what they're saying and how it might affect their friends. And I for sure have no room for people in my life who are just going to trigger my ED thoughts. Seriously, Facebook seems like a big, online high school, full of drama, immaturity, and acting before thinking.
So why don't I just delete my account? Because... there are some people, specifically long distance, who I want to be FB friends with. I actually did voice my desire to possibly delete my account to one of these friends, but she convinced me otherwise.
I went on a massive deletion spree the other day; and I can say, with a MUCH shorter friend list... I'm feeling a hell of a lot better. Some people I didn't think twice about deleting. Others, like Jackie and Stevie, were much more painful. I actually questioned myself after the matter: did I do the right thing? In my heart, I know I did. Neither girl is a bad person by any means, but they're not good for me. When I get more frustration and anger out of a "friendship" than I do joy and there's no indication that things will improve... that's a sign it's time to go.
For anyone who uses Facebook for networking, I understand that :) For anyone who is the polar opposite of me (ie, not all uptight and paranoid) and doesn't mind casual FB friends, I give you kuddos. But that's not me. I have a hard enough time with people in real life; hiding behind my computer, I don't need crap in my online life. My FB friends don't need to be people I see often or am even very close to... but they have to be people I care about, and whom I know care about me too.
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