Celebrating An Outstanding Man :)

Today was a bittersweet day that *should* have been just sweet. Today is my dad's birthday... last year of his 40s ;)


My dad was only 23 years old when I was born, and had been married for over 2 years. I'm trying to fathom that. I know that there are plenty of people that age and younger, getting married and having kids, but it's different when you're thinking about your parents I guess. It's hard to imagine my dad, younger than I am now, celebrating his 24th birthday with 2 month old me; I'd have a 16 month old right now, had I had a child at his age when I was born! Incredible!


I admire my dad so much... for both the person and father that he is. I couldn't imagine a better dad; he isn't perfect, of course, BUT- what's important is, he's loved myself, my brother, and my mom unconditionally, and that's a "perfect" father to me. He's sacrificed so much for us. He's put up with SO MUCH bullshit... and never given up on any of us. He never asks for much... a good part of why today was bittersweet. I couldn't afford to buy him a birthday present :( Vuni ordered him something, and I am grateful we will be able to give him a small present here in a few days, but...


...it makes me so sad that I couldn't spoil him and shower him in gifts, like I should have been able to. It reminds me even moreso of where I am in life. I feel broken. Unsuccessful. A major fuck-up. And it breaks me... because I'm one of the things that makes my dad happiest. I can't help but worry that I'm making him sad, however, because of how screwed up I am. He knows how hard I'm trying; and he's told me more than once that I'm one of the strongest people he's ever known, but what do I have to show for it? I still depend on him and my mom in so many ways: financially, emotionally, medically... and I shouldn't. I want to make him proud so badly, but more than just proud, I want him to be reassured. Reassured that I can and WILL make it. 


I suppose this is one of those things that is giving me strength right now. I keep telling Vuni, "one of these days, I'm going to crack; I can't take more bad news, I can't take more shit going wrong, if something doesn't change, I'm going to fucking snap and do something stupid."


But I haven't yet. Somehow, every single time I have a panic attack, every time I melt down and become hysterical, and get tempted to do something like punch the wall or self-harm, at the last minute, I stop and rationalize. It takes everything I have... and my dad is one of those things. He, my mom, Vuni, my brother, the pets... I think of them. How desperately I want to be strong for them; how much more I'd hate myself if I keep hurting them. THAT is what keeps me grounded... that's what gives me the power to keep going, even when I'm exhausted from fighting and want to give up. 


I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I will probably never be normal. I never have been, and I do not know what it's like to live without anxiety, so there will always be somewhat of a battle for me... but my dad deserves a little fighter, not someone who's going to give up or run away. He has never given up; that means that I have no excuse to. So I won't.


Even though he doesn't ask for much... I hope a fighting me is enough. I'm trying, Daddy... I promise.


Despite all of these thoughts swirling around my frazzled mind, and wishing things were different, I was happy to enjoy a lovely evening of good home made food, Penny cuddling, and poker with my 3 favorite people.

Dad & His Littlest, Miss Penny

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you <3

P.S.- Despite the lack of gift, I did happen to make and decorate this totally awesome carrot cake! :-)

Ironing My Sheets, Dealing With Triggers

It's Sunday evening; Sunday, a day that often equates (at least in my mind) to family and relaxation, good food/drink and fun, maybe some errands and chores. My Sunday was made up of most of these things. I was up at 7:15, and by 8:30, I had already worked out, and was sipping on my smoothie and sorting laundry. The boy got up, we got ready for the day (dressing in comfy Sunday clothes, of course), and packed up the car to head to his parent's house. We stopped at the gas station on our way to pick up some Slim Jims for Vuni, and some coffee for myself... YUM <3 


Now... I'm sorry for this little rant, so skip ahead if you don't wanna hear this ;) but coffee snobs drive me just a little bit crazy. My brother is one such snob, so I don't feel too guilty complaining about this. It's super annoying when people act like convenience store coffee is poison and beneath them, because they can afford to drink a $5 latte catered by a barista every day. Umm, sorry, but some of us just can't afford to dish out $100+ a month on a beverage. A gourmet skinny raspberry vanilla latte is an occasional treat to me, not a daily necessity. I don't drink coffee every day anyway, so my cheap caramel apple flavored "cappuccino" from a dispenser is enough of a treat to me... and I enjoyed every last drop of it!

Caramel apple cappuccino dispensed from a machine? YES PLEASE!

We got to Vuni's parents' house, and I started on our laundry (no, sadly, Vuni and I do not have a washer and dryer- but we are blessed in that our parents let us use their facilities ;). The house was quiet, as Vuni's mom, Aren, and sister, Krisi, were at the grocery store; with the washer going, I decided to relax, drink my cheap cappuccino, and read the newspaper. All was well in the world.


I should note, before I continue, that 21-year old Krisi just moved back in with her and Vuni's parents, after living with friends for a year. Now, I do love Krisi; she is most likely going to be my sister in law one day, and I've thought of her that way for years now... but it's one of those, I love you but you're a pain in the ass type deals. She is almost the polar opposite of Vuni and I: popularity and cool factor means a lot to her, materialism is big, she loves reality TV and Top 40 music, wears $110 jeans (just an example of her materialism), goes tanning and has hair extensions, thinks clubbing and partying are the shit... that kind of thing. 


What makes it truly difficult to be around her, however, is that she constantly seems to be on "a diet." She is constantly complaining about how she is too fat and needs to lose weight. She obsesses about food, calories, and exercise. She has multiple gym memberships, a ton of exercise equipment, a ton of adorable work-out clothes (not to mention, probably 10+ pairs of Nike/Adidas/ect. work out shoes... like, I'm not even kidding), and has taken various diet pills. She is not fat; she has an athletic build, though losing just a little bit of weight would not hurt. But that's besides the point; the fact is, she has been complaining about wanting to lose weight for at least a year, but it just hasn't happened. She starts up, then slips; starts up, then slips. I hate to say this, but... one of the biggest problems is her alcohol consumption. I just wish she would realize that; it would make a big difference :( The thing is... all her talk about dieting and exercising and self-loathing is extremely triggering to me.


When Aren and Krisi returned from grocery shopping, I jumped up and began helping them unload the car. Before we even finished putting the groceries away, it began: 


"Oh yeah, you can put the avocados in that dish; we're not allowed to eat fruit on this diet, so we won't be putting any in there." 


"This dressing has too many grams of sugar in it, we can't eat it!" 


"Do you and Vuni want these soups? No pasta on this diet, so we need to get rid of them!"


They weren't even home for a full 5 minutes, and my head was ready to explode!


Em, you need to diet too. Maybe you're not fat, but you don't want to slip up, and become fat. Wait, maybe you are fat. Okay, maybe you're not fat, but if they're not eating x, you shouldn't be eating x. But what if you are fat? What if you get fat? What if fruit really does make you fat? What if they get skinnier than you? Are they trying to make you fat by giving you the foods they don't want to eat, so they can be skinnier than you? You need to tone up, you need to work out more, you need to keep it together, so you that DO NOT FAIL.


I am so embarrassed and so ashamed to admit that those thoughts were running through my head; that even now, in some ways, they still are (but I promised that I would be honest on this blog, despite feeling embarrassed/ashamed). Why am I having these thoughts? They are so, so irrational, and I know it. I'm happy that I can at least identify that these thoughts are irrational, but it frustrates the hell out of me that I have them in the first place... and that they affect me so much :(


So while Aren and Krisi began cooking a lunch they were "allowed" to have, I decided to self-soothe by escaping to the laundry room and folding/hanging up the load of Aren's clothes I'd just pulled out of the dryer. (Am I crazy that doing chores soothes me? More on that later...) So I seem like a big hypocrite, right? I am semi-rigid with my food intake/level of daily activity, despite being... thin (see even admitting that I know that I, in reality, am thin is very difficult), but it's not okay for them to do the same? Well, it makes me angry that I see myself, and very eating disordered thoughts, in what they're doing, when they not only know how badly I have struggled with body dysmorphia/disordered eating, but Aren's sister at one time struggled with a severe eating disorder. I could see if they were taking an honest healthy approach (Weight Watchers, or just being conscience and active like my parents), but they aren't approaching it in a healthy way. Eliminating entire food groups, using negativity to "keep each other in line," obsessing... I mean, it's dejavu! It's like watching my irrational eating disordered thoughts played out in front of me! And it's extremely triggering... hence my crazy explosion of irrational thinking.


When lunch was ready, I was faced with a dilemma; do I prove that I am the "disciplined" skinny girl and not eat, or do I prove that I can be rational and eat anyways? Overall, I chose to be rational; fear and a little bit of anger kept me from eating the chili they were having, but I did have a good, decent sized salad dressed up with blue cheese and almonds, aka healthy proteins & fats (not just veggies!). I also had a big glass of pom-blueberry juice... and a small glass of milk.


After lunch, however, I was feeling a little guilty, not to mention grumpy due to pain/discomfort from the ear infection that I've had for too freaking long now... so what did I do to deal with this? I became my mother.


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a girl who at one time thought the iron was a pointless device ironed her bed sheets. I've contemplated ironing my sheets for some time now; I make our bed every day, and I've just thought it would look prettier if they laid flat, not in a crinkly mess. However, ironing sheets is something my mother does. You know, when your mom is nagging you to do your chores, you're thinking she's crazy because she irons her sheets? Well, now that I'm in my own house, I've become tidy and nit-picky, just like my mom! The myth is true, in my case. It's a good thing I have such an awesome mom, otherwise I'd be more worried about myself than I already am ;)


Ironing and anticipating how pretty our bed would look quieted the irr-thoughts. I finished our laundry. Vuni wanted to stick around for dinner; it wasn't going to be ready for awhile, so he and I decided to go to the store and pick up a few groceries ourselves, while Aren also asked us to pick up a few things she forgot. Despite the doubts stirred up when Aren told me that she and Krisi cannot eat fruit, I went ahead and grabbed my blueberries and bananas for my smoothies. (SCORE!- my love for smoothies just won't let those stupid irr-thoughts derail me! Seriously, I can't imagine not having my smoothie in the morning...).


By the time we got back, the anticipation of dinner was getting to me. Since we still had a bit until it was time to eat, I went downstairs, and used Krisi's kettle bells to do some mild weight training... just to ease my mind. This then turned into some yoga, specifically planking. Ah, the burn in my arms took away from the ear discomfort... Err, yeah, I think I'm calling my doctor tomorrow :( Follow up wasn't suppose to be for another week, but things aren't getting better... and I'm sick of it!


I ended up eating a great dinner; more salad (with blue cheese again!), hearts of palm, baked potato, and grilled bell peppers and onions- YUM. I felt GOOD about it after; and I STILL feel good about it. It was a damn awesome dinner.


I'm anticipating a bumpy road ahead, and even as I sit here, I'm wrestling with uncertain thoughts (though now, I'm worrying about how selfish and self-absorbed I sound, making such a big deal of this... does it ever stop?). However, I'm proud of how I dealt with such immense triggers today. Instead of letting the thoughts consume me, and resorting to starving or purging, I did my best to rationalize... I acknowledge that I was having irrational thoughts, but I distracted myself in healthy(ier) ways. I'd call that success. And hell yeah, our bed looks awesome ;)

P.S. Despite my frustrated complaints, I truly do love my (most likely) future mama and sis-in-laws. If they didn't occasionally make you question your sanity, could you seriously consider them family? I think not ;)

Escaping the Realm of AlcoHELL: part 1

My previous blog was on alcoholism, and how I, as one of the last people I'd ever expect to do so, fell victim to alcoholism. I ended with the story of how I realized that I could no longer run, no longer turn a blind eye to the fact that I had a very serious problem.


I was on the cusp of losing everything, namely, my wonderful, talented, gorgeous boyfriend Vuni. However, I also was probably pretty close to losing my life. To this day, it horrifies me to think about all the "what ifs?" that could have happened. The staircase leading down to our basement is dangerous enough to someone sober and stable; had I wandered over there, too drunk, and taken a spill down those stairs, it very easily could have been fatal. Not to mention the sheer amount of vodka and/or tequila I was drinking: a giant bottle of Burnett's Vodka roughly every two days. 

I'm gagging just looking at this now...

It's a miracle I didn't die of alcohol poisoning. My poor body was insanely bloated, to the highest weight I'd been since I was 15. I didn't fit into any of my jeans (though, admittedly, fashion was the last thing on my mind) and lived in sweatpants. My poor body ached and was covered in large, horrible blue/black/green/purple bruises from my drunken stumbling and falls. 


To someone who has never experienced the chains of alcoholism, you may be wondering But Em, your life was in the shithole! Why in all hell would you want to continue living like that over a stupid bottle of vodka? I HATED the way I was living; it was a short amount of time that I would say was the very dark period, maybe a month, but it is embarrassing and shameful to think I lived that way for even that long. However, I believe this also showcases the sheer power of alcohol. I lived lazy and drunk, bloated and bruised, confined to the house (which was filthy)... a far, far cry, from what I'd ever imagined myself living like. It's been almost a year, and writing about it now is making me slightly sick.


So I woke up, Friday, October 22, from my last drinking binge. And it was pure agony. I believe I initially woke up somewhere between 8 and 9 that morning; I was going to try to get up and get ready, but I couldn't even walk. My legs would not support me. So I crawled from our bedroom to the living room, and somehow managed to pull myself up onto the couch, where I fell "asleep." I say "asleep" in quotes because I think I slipped into and out of unconscieneness (sp? help?), but I just remember feeling so utterly sick; it was a hang-over on steroids, or something. Maybe my body somehow knew that I'd promised I had had my last drinking binge, and was reminding me, through punishment, that I had to go get help that evening.  


Somewhere around 11, I managed to get up and make it to the kitchen. Despite awful waves of nausea, I realized that I was very, very hungry. And thirsty. I gulped down a huge glass of water, and cut myself a slice of ho'made zucchini cake that Vuni's mom had given us. 

Mmm... not Vuni's mom, but looks tasty enough <3

Although able to walk, I was still very shaky and unsteady on my feet; when I would look down at the floor, it seemed like it was reaching up to grab me, or that I was falling forward in slow motion. So I stumbled my way back to the couch, where I remained until around 1:30. At this point, I felt stable enough to move around a little. I drew myself a hot bubble bath, followed it with a hot rinse in the shower, put on a clean "uniform" of sweatpants and a hoodie, and dried my hair. Still hungry (and nauseous...) I decided to try to eat again, but this time was not as successful as the first, and I violently threw up the little I tried to eat. Ah, well, at least my stomach had been receptive to something earlier.


Vuni got home around 4:25, happy to find that I had stuck to my word, and was waiting for him, showered and mostly sober (though still reeling from the effects of that wicked super hang-over). My dad had something to change or fix on my car, so Vuni and I decided that we'd take separate cars over to my parent's house, tell them that I had a therapy appointment, and Vuni would take me to my first Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting.


So we drove to my parent's house, chatted with them for a bit as we waited for 6:00 to draw nearer. When 5:30 rolled around, we told my parents good-bye, and I got into Vuni's car, waiting for him to drive me to the unknown.

Self-Smoothieing

Ugh :( I've been somewhat dreading this day since the middle of June. Why? Because my absolutely wonderful mother, D, had to return to work. She is a 2nd grade teacher, and although I love volunteering in her classroom, I despise not having her all to my self. (How pathetic does that sound?)


Earlier, as I was doing my light spin at watching Wild China (how I start most days: gentle ride on stationary bike + a nature documentary or similar) I began to panic a little bit... What am I going to do without D?! She's going to be in meetings all day! I can't call her when I get sad or lonely, or need a distraction! I can't beg her to send me pictures of Penny! What am I gonna do?!


I decided to make my smoothie, that's what I'd do. With my years of disordered eating, training myself to eat breaking- rather than downing several cups of sugar free sweetner-ladened coffee every morning and throughout the day- has been nothing short of a miracle for me. Really a big deal :)

Banana-Berry-Chocolate Protein-Greek Yogurt Goodness!!

And for some reason, the mere thought of my smoothie, began to make me feel better. I can be okay with out her today; I may not like it, but I can do it. Maybe I'll even enjoy today; I plan on cleaning (which I questioned Vuni last week "Is it weird that cleaning gives me a natural high? It just leaves me feeling so complete!") and drawing... two things I enjoy doing, and should be able to do them alone without freaking out. 


I actually feel pretty damn embarrassed writing this post... it truly does make me seem like a nervous, dependent, possibly crazy little weirdo. Perhaps I am. But I promised myself I'd be honest in this blog; if I sugar-coat things, what help am I doing anyone? Why lie to myself? Why miss the cathartic chance to just let it all out, with the potential that someone will read this and realize that hey, I feel like that too ? So if you're lonely, anxious, and missing someone right now... it's okay. You'll be all right. I'll be alright. We'll all be good <3 Go make yourself a smoothie, come to terms with your thoughts (if that means writing like I am, go for it!), and then 

I may not be able to help the fact that the anxiety attacks me... but it also doesn't mean that I have to let it consume me today. I realize the thoughts are there, but I'm going to keep calm and carry on... and no better way (in my opinion) to start that process than self-smoothieing. Yum <3