My dad was only 23 years old when I was born, and had been married for over 2 years. I'm trying to fathom that. I know that there are plenty of people that age and younger, getting married and having kids, but it's different when you're thinking about your parents I guess. It's hard to imagine my dad, younger than I am now, celebrating his 24th birthday with 2 month old me; I'd have a 16 month old right now, had I had a child at his age when I was born! Incredible!
I admire my dad so much... for both the person and father that he is. I couldn't imagine a better dad; he isn't perfect, of course, BUT- what's important is, he's loved myself, my brother, and my mom unconditionally, and that's a "perfect" father to me. He's sacrificed so much for us. He's put up with SO MUCH bullshit... and never given up on any of us. He never asks for much... a good part of why today was bittersweet. I couldn't afford to buy him a birthday present :( Vuni ordered him something, and I am grateful we will be able to give him a small present here in a few days, but...
...it makes me so sad that I couldn't spoil him and shower him in gifts, like I should have been able to. It reminds me even moreso of where I am in life. I feel broken. Unsuccessful. A major fuck-up. And it breaks me... because I'm one of the things that makes my dad happiest. I can't help but worry that I'm making him sad, however, because of how screwed up I am. He knows how hard I'm trying; and he's told me more than once that I'm one of the strongest people he's ever known, but what do I have to show for it? I still depend on him and my mom in so many ways: financially, emotionally, medically... and I shouldn't. I want to make him proud so badly, but more than just proud, I want him to be reassured. Reassured that I can and WILL make it.
I suppose this is one of those things that is giving me strength right now. I keep telling Vuni, "one of these days, I'm going to crack; I can't take more bad news, I can't take more shit going wrong, if something doesn't change, I'm going to fucking snap and do something stupid."
But I haven't yet. Somehow, every single time I have a panic attack, every time I melt down and become hysterical, and get tempted to do something like punch the wall or self-harm, at the last minute, I stop and rationalize. It takes everything I have... and my dad is one of those things. He, my mom, Vuni, my brother, the pets... I think of them. How desperately I want to be strong for them; how much more I'd hate myself if I keep hurting them. THAT is what keeps me grounded... that's what gives me the power to keep going, even when I'm exhausted from fighting and want to give up.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I will probably never be normal. I never have been, and I do not know what it's like to live without anxiety, so there will always be somewhat of a battle for me... but my dad deserves a little fighter, not someone who's going to give up or run away. He has never given up; that means that I have no excuse to. So I won't.
Even though he doesn't ask for much... I hope a fighting me is enough. I'm trying, Daddy... I promise.
Despite all of these thoughts swirling around my frazzled mind, and wishing things were different, I was happy to enjoy a lovely evening of good home made food, Penny cuddling, and poker with my 3 favorite people.
Dad & His Littlest, Miss Penny
Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you <3
P.S.- Despite the lack of gift, I did happen to make and decorate this totally awesome carrot cake! :-)
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