So today I was lost in the world of internet, looking at different blogs, when I came across this young mother (19 or 20 I believe) of a 1 year old; she complains constantly about her post-baby body... to the point where one of her posts said something along the lines of "I wish I were anorexic so that I had more will-power." O_O
Excuse me?
You wish you were anorexic?
WHAT. THE. FUCK?
That was my initial reaction. I was furious, to say the least. Then... after I cooled down a little bit, I realized it was just more of an ignorant statement. I can't really be angry with her; sure, it wasn't a smart or considerate thing to say, but not everyone knows about/understands anorexia and other eating disorders. What makes it even worse? All of those fucking stupid "thinspiration" blogs. Seriously, "thinspo" blogs and websites have got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. Disgusting. Like why the hell would you encourage someone to be seriously so sick? I have been to the depths of hell in regards to an eating disorder; I would not wish it on anyone.
** And just my speculation... although I think people who run thinspo blogs obviously have some issues, I doubt the majority of them actually have EDs... I believe they have the "I want to lose weight/have an ED," hungry-for-attention, having an ED is "trendy" mindset. I just seriously can't imagine anyone who has truly dealt with this hell trying to encourage others to go through it.
These thinspo blogs talk about how it's about having control, being in control, will power, yadda yadda yadda. Sure. Maybe it's about "control" in a very surface way. You can resist the urge to eat and any cravings; but what is driving this "control?" Even if one has the best, healthy intentions in the beginning, it spirals out of control... the "control" that is spoken of is being driven by irrational fears.
The "control" is irrational thinking. It's not about having the will power to resist that slice of pizza, it's not about the ability to outright ignore hunger pains. It's a crazy, blown-out-of proportion irrational fear of losing control of a variety of things- eating, gaining weight, not being able to maintain a specific weight, ect. The fear becomes so, so intense that eventually, the battle turns; you're too afraid to eat, so afraid... even when you know that it's killing you, the fear is so overwhelming, you just can't bring yourself to eat.
It's been compared to addiction for a reason. Whether you want to admit it or not, you know the excessive drinking/drug use (or even over-eating) is killing you. You feel like shit. It's ruining your life. But you cannot stop. You tell yourself "today's the last day I ____ (drink/use/eat excessively)" only to find yourself saying the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next...
It's the same with anorexia/bulimia/eating disorder thoughts... only worse.
I can honestly say it's worse, because I've experience it. My anxiety has shrouded itself in several ways throughout my life; until age 14, I was an over-eater. Since then, the anxiety has manifested itself in anorexia, bulimia, and alcoholism. What has been the worst? What am I still dealing with? The eating disorder.
** I am not trying to minimize anyone's problems... issues are issues, no matter what they are. I'm saying for me personally, and based on what my therapist told me (that insurance companies are reluctant to cover ED patient due to low recovery/high relapse rates) EDs seem to be the most difficult to recover from.
I know how difficult it is to be overweight. I was there; by age 13, I had officially crossed the line from "overweight" to "obese." I distinctly remember that Dr. appointment; Dr. went off on my mom, telling her that I desperately needed to lose weight, or I was going to start having some serious health problems. Hahaha... health problems? What about my emotional health? Because this is when the ED voice really started. I'd had these negative voices in my head for years, but after this appointment, they exploded. I'd stand in front of the mirror for hours, agonizing, wishing desperately that I could see bones... I remember "sucking in" my stomach, and I still could not see a single rib bone. I didn't really have a neck. I had a few specific brands of jeans that I would get, because they were the only ones that made a size large enough for me. And yet... I wasn't really doing anything about all of this (besides crying in front of the mirror).
I remember wishing I had my mom's willpower; she ate healthy, exercised 4-5 times a week, and had a cute little figure as a result of this. So I had a good role model. I had every reason to start making changes. But I couldn't. Food was just too tempting. I would watch in awe as my mom would stop eating at 2 slices of pizza... while I was downing my 5th. I couldn't understand how my best friend could get the salad bar and a water, while I devoured a huge basket of fries, a sandwich, and a sugar-loaded bottle of juice. I desperately wanted to eat healthy... but I felt, just like I would 10-11 years later with alcohol, that I could not say "no."
Obviously, things changed.
Recently, after a family member inconsiderately and ignorantly commented on my weight and how I really need to start gaining, I told my mom, "You know what's weird? The prospect of gaining weight... the idea of eating enough to do so... it's scarier and would take so much more power than the idea of dieting and exercising to lose weight. As hard as that was, this is even more difficult."
She thought I was full of shit; she thinks it should be SO easy, that I can and should eat whatever the hell I want. That's okay; I can understand where she's coming from. But it doesn't change things for me. Comparing, side-by-side, what is harder for me... the willpower it took to start losing weight (which, I did in a healthy way, at first) or the power it takes to start eating and gaining weight, eating and gaining is hands down the harder of the two.
When I was overweight, I knew I was overweight, and I needed to change. I had a healthy goal weight; I had something to change for. But now that I'm "underweight"... for starters, I don't desperately want to be at healthy weight, like I wanted to when I was overweight. I don't want to be at a healthy weight at all. So there's not a goal I desperately want to get to; instead, it's something that I already have, but want to cling onto. For another, my mind is constantly confused and playing tricks on me. The numbers/sizes and doctors say that I am "underweight," and even my rational side tells me this... but the irrational thoughts and the mirror continue to scream FAT ASS! at me repeatedly.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm sick of the misconception that eating disorders (specifically anorexia/bulimia) are about "will power," and that it is something to desire, or that it's cool/trendy to have an eating disorder. If you want health problems galore, your relationships to go down the toilet, your social life ruined, little to no chance of succeeding in school/a career, the things you once loved (hobbies) to be distant memories, hours of agonizing in front of a mirror/the scale/at the gym/in the kitchen/bathroom/on the internet even, and a crazy, cruel, irrational voice constantly screaming at you and confusing you as to what is "best" for you, just so you can have the "will power" to lose the little bit of baby fat you gained... just, wow. Think before you speak/write, because eating disorders are not cool, trendy, a joke... and they're for sure not about having will power.
If that were the case, everyone suffering from one would have the "will power" to recover; anorexia is compromised of irrational thinking. The "will power" is nothing but a memory.
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