An agoraphobic's worst nightmare. Especially mine... I really do not like strangers getting in my space bubble.
I am locking myself in my house, and decorating for Christmas.
I've gone Black Friday shopping a few times with my mom (when I was much younger) but I haven't done it in years... and have no desire (or money, for that matter) to. Going out in public feels like utter chaos to me on a normal day as it is. The few times I went when I was younger, I was honestly kind of terrified. Too much.
Good luck to anyone who will be gaming up for Retail Dooms Day a week from now :) You are a much braver soul than I...
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Note!: If you are currently struggling with an eating disorder... this post may be triggering. I won't mention numbers exactly, but there is some triggering stuff. Just an FYI.
I am stunned.
I was totally caught off guard last night. Vuni went to his parent's house for a little while yesterday evening, and when he came back, I could tell he was upset. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "My mom is really, really worried about you."
"Worried?... Why?"
"Because you're so skinny."
Ooof. Definitely didn't see that coming. At all.
And what really, really freaks me out is my thinking up until this point. I've mentioned in previous posts how my mother in law (Aren) and sis in law (Krisi) talk about dieting/exercise/weight loss around me all the freaking time, and how much it irks me. But I didn't exactly give the whole reason as to why; obviously, with my eating/body image issues, it's a sensitive topic to me anyways. Right. But the other thing, which I was afraid to admit... is I always worried that they talked about it excessively because they thought I maybe needed to lose weight. Maybe it was their subtle hints that I am too fat. Neither of them has ever commented on my weight/appearance... so it's always made me curious how they see me. Sadly, that very irrational part of my mind has always shouted, "Well, they think you're a fat ass, because you are one, duh."
So imagine my shock when, after all of this time irrational thoughts deluding my mind into thinking that they must see me as a blob, I hear that Aren is really worried about me being too thin.
It's things like this that make me realize just how utterly distorted my body image and irrational thoughts are. It terrifies me. How? How can I see a overweight, doughy body when everyone else sees the opposite? I just don't get it... and it's scaring the hell out of me.
I am stunned.
I was totally caught off guard last night. Vuni went to his parent's house for a little while yesterday evening, and when he came back, I could tell he was upset. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "My mom is really, really worried about you."
"Worried?... Why?"
"Because you're so skinny."
Ooof. Definitely didn't see that coming. At all.
And what really, really freaks me out is my thinking up until this point. I've mentioned in previous posts how my mother in law (Aren) and sis in law (Krisi) talk about dieting/exercise/weight loss around me all the freaking time, and how much it irks me. But I didn't exactly give the whole reason as to why; obviously, with my eating/body image issues, it's a sensitive topic to me anyways. Right. But the other thing, which I was afraid to admit... is I always worried that they talked about it excessively because they thought I maybe needed to lose weight. Maybe it was their subtle hints that I am too fat. Neither of them has ever commented on my weight/appearance... so it's always made me curious how they see me. Sadly, that very irrational part of my mind has always shouted, "Well, they think you're a fat ass, because you are one, duh."
So imagine my shock when, after all of this time irrational thoughts deluding my mind into thinking that they must see me as a blob, I hear that Aren is really worried about me being too thin.
It's things like this that make me realize just how utterly distorted my body image and irrational thoughts are. It terrifies me. How? How can I see a overweight, doughy body when everyone else sees the opposite? I just don't get it... and it's scaring the hell out of me.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Suffocating :(
I need some serious help. Soon.
I think I talked about this in a previous post (maybe my last one?) but I tend to run and/or evade problems. I don't like to deal with stuff head on, until I absolutely have to. You'd think I would've learned by now... that addressing a problem early on, before it becomes much of a problem, is the best way to handle things. I don't seem to learn though...
I am so stuck right now :( Seriously, I'm boxed in.
I'm pretty much absolutely broke.
Vuni asked me last week if I could please start asking my parents for rent money, until I am able to come up with it. It's absolutely fair for him to ask... only I don't know what the hell to do. My parents have been helping me pay bills as it is... I hate to ask for ever MORE money.
One option is that my mom suggested we move in with her and my dad; she said we could turn the large family room that is downstairs into our room... so we'd have a little bit of privacy, and our own bathroom. I was SO scared to bring this idea up to Vuni... and I did manage to bring it up, but it didn't come out right. Or moreso, I wanted to wait to propose this idea until we could talk about it with my therapist; seeing as it is already the middle of the month, and my therapist can't squeeze me in for another week and a half... I brought the idea up last Friday by saying, "Hey babe... what would you think about possibly moving in with my parents?" To which he said something along the lines of, "I'm not that crazy about it."
I don't blame him. Not in the least bit. We absolutely adore my parents; LOVE them... but living with them?
I've always had a pretty great relationship with my parents, but the past few years of me living with them, before Vuni and I moved in together, were rough. We are on completely different sleep schedules, and of course, don't see eye-to-eye on everything. Once I moved out, even despite the alcoholic period, our relationship improved. We just needed that space, you know?
But it's not just about the space that is complicating things. It's the privacy, the success, the independence... I don't think I need to explain the privacy part, or the independence. Vuni and are in our mid-twenties, thus we're (relatively) independent from our parents, and obviously we want our privacy (TMI- but who honestly doesn't enjoy walking around their house in their undies?). Also, I say "relatively" independent mostly for my sake- considering the financial mess I'm in. The success part- that's a toughie. Maybe it's all me, and things I bring upon myself, but I can't help thinking that moving in with my parents would mean admitting failure. I would hate for Vuni to feel the same way, when really, it's my fault.
So I've been dealing with a LOT of shame and guilt recently. I feel like I've failed Vuni. We moved in together in the understanding that we would make this work together. I had no intention of losing my job; I had no intention of being unemployed for this long. I had no intention of the anxiety and agoraphobia, which have always been present in my life, completely taking over me to the degree that they have. Because it's not just job hunting and the prospect of working closely with people that terrifies me; I can't do things I once enjoyed, let alone face the things I absolutely dread.
This leaves me... stuck. I'm broke. I've been job hunting ever since losing my job over a year ago; but I am also waiting to be approved for disability (under my Dr.'s recommendation: severe anxiety and heart conditions do NOT mix well). I feel worthless; although I try, I have not been contributing to our relationship financially (other than our internet bill). I feel incredibly guilty; is it my lack of contribution and disorders that are holding my boyfriend back? Not to mention... what must his parents think of me? I keep thinking that he deserves so much better... but I don't want to be apart from him. It's painful to even imagine.
What do I do? As I sit here typing this, my ears are ringing and my hands are tingling out of sheer anxiety. I feel so boxed in. Like I'm suffocating...
I think I talked about this in a previous post (maybe my last one?) but I tend to run and/or evade problems. I don't like to deal with stuff head on, until I absolutely have to. You'd think I would've learned by now... that addressing a problem early on, before it becomes much of a problem, is the best way to handle things. I don't seem to learn though...
I am so stuck right now :( Seriously, I'm boxed in.
I'm pretty much absolutely broke.
Vuni asked me last week if I could please start asking my parents for rent money, until I am able to come up with it. It's absolutely fair for him to ask... only I don't know what the hell to do. My parents have been helping me pay bills as it is... I hate to ask for ever MORE money.
One option is that my mom suggested we move in with her and my dad; she said we could turn the large family room that is downstairs into our room... so we'd have a little bit of privacy, and our own bathroom. I was SO scared to bring this idea up to Vuni... and I did manage to bring it up, but it didn't come out right. Or moreso, I wanted to wait to propose this idea until we could talk about it with my therapist; seeing as it is already the middle of the month, and my therapist can't squeeze me in for another week and a half... I brought the idea up last Friday by saying, "Hey babe... what would you think about possibly moving in with my parents?" To which he said something along the lines of, "I'm not that crazy about it."
I don't blame him. Not in the least bit. We absolutely adore my parents; LOVE them... but living with them?
I've always had a pretty great relationship with my parents, but the past few years of me living with them, before Vuni and I moved in together, were rough. We are on completely different sleep schedules, and of course, don't see eye-to-eye on everything. Once I moved out, even despite the alcoholic period, our relationship improved. We just needed that space, you know?
But it's not just about the space that is complicating things. It's the privacy, the success, the independence... I don't think I need to explain the privacy part, or the independence. Vuni and are in our mid-twenties, thus we're (relatively) independent from our parents, and obviously we want our privacy (TMI- but who honestly doesn't enjoy walking around their house in their undies?). Also, I say "relatively" independent mostly for my sake- considering the financial mess I'm in. The success part- that's a toughie. Maybe it's all me, and things I bring upon myself, but I can't help thinking that moving in with my parents would mean admitting failure. I would hate for Vuni to feel the same way, when really, it's my fault.
So I've been dealing with a LOT of shame and guilt recently. I feel like I've failed Vuni. We moved in together in the understanding that we would make this work together. I had no intention of losing my job; I had no intention of being unemployed for this long. I had no intention of the anxiety and agoraphobia, which have always been present in my life, completely taking over me to the degree that they have. Because it's not just job hunting and the prospect of working closely with people that terrifies me; I can't do things I once enjoyed, let alone face the things I absolutely dread.
This leaves me... stuck. I'm broke. I've been job hunting ever since losing my job over a year ago; but I am also waiting to be approved for disability (under my Dr.'s recommendation: severe anxiety and heart conditions do NOT mix well). I feel worthless; although I try, I have not been contributing to our relationship financially (other than our internet bill). I feel incredibly guilty; is it my lack of contribution and disorders that are holding my boyfriend back? Not to mention... what must his parents think of me? I keep thinking that he deserves so much better... but I don't want to be apart from him. It's painful to even imagine.
What do I do? As I sit here typing this, my ears are ringing and my hands are tingling out of sheer anxiety. I feel so boxed in. Like I'm suffocating...
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