Note to Self: You Don't Always Need Permission

Sonofaf*ckingbiscuit.


I started this blog, as well as my tumblr, because I often feel that in the "real" world, I do not have much of a voice. I have been a shy, quiet, ANXIOUS introvert my whole entire life. I have always been obedient, the rule-follower, the peace-maker. Although I don't like being bossed around exactly, and I'd like to think I'm somewhat independent, I've always preferred to be given instruction. Teachers told me what to do, and I did it. Professors told me what to do, and I did it. Employers told me what to do... you get the picture.


Although I feel like I've been doing an okay job at trying to be honest and really say what I'm feeling, I know I also hold back a lot as well. I edit obsessively. I read, and re-read things to make sure they sound right. I delete something if I think it sounds lame or stupid. Believe me, ever since I published my previous post, I've been debating whether or not I should delete it.


Basically, I'm always worried about being judged, and I'm always concerned about having validation. 


You know the saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Well, I take that to the extreme. I feel if I don't have something important, relevant, ect. I shouldn't be saying it.


But this is my blog. This is my voice. It matters, and is relevant, because it's mine.


So my new goal is to try and remember that if I feel like writing about something... I should. Write about it, and not worry that it's stupid or that people are judging me. I know that worry will probably stay on the back burner in my mind, but I need to suck it up and just write anyways.


Here's to less self-censored blogging :)


By the way, I should also mention, I electronically met a new friend who planted these thoughts in my head :) Ah, the internet... Tessa, if you read this, thank you for the kind encouragement <3 I so needed it!

Midnight Sun: A Parallel

I feel so fucking trapped these days, and it only seems to get worse. Every. Single. Day. It's like I'm stuck in one of those rooms, where there's spikes on the walls, and they keep moving closer together. Or a lava pit in the center. Every single day, I wonder how much longer I can teeter on the edge before I fall into the lava. 



The biggest worry of all, right now, is my relationship with Vuni.


Who's read Midnight Sun? *raises hand guiltily* I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy the Twilight series... and I've read the partial draft of Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward's perspective) that Stephenie Meyer posted on her official website. I'm feeling a lot like Edward these days... excessively torn. 

I know I'm causing Vuni a lot of stress. I know I'm the majority of what's holding him back. I'm pretty convinced, although I haven't smoked around him (I almost never smoke anyways) or physically shoved a cigarette and lighter in his face, that I am the reason he started smoking again... after abstaining so well...



As I've said before, I feel like his parents do not think I am good enough for him (at the very least, I've been put on a pretty good guilt trip regarding not having a job by his mom...). Not only that, but recently, I've literally been having nightmares about his mom just up and chewing me out, telling me that I will never be good enough to deserve her amazing son. It's like I can never escape these thoughts of guilt, shame, and feeling worthless... not even in my sleep anymore. Horrifying.

If we didn't have financial issues (due to MY anxiety disorder), mine and Vuni's life together would be pretty darn awesome. Yes, even despite my anxiety disorder. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I'm being real: I don't ever remember NOT having extreme anxiety, so it's hard for me to imagine life without it. But I've had other periods of time in my life where I've been relatively happy and comfortable, despite the anxiety disorder. 

Back to my point! If we didn't have financial issues, it'd eliminate A LOT of the problems we're currently dealing with. I haven't had a job in over a year now. Believe me, I feel immensely guilty about this; EXTREMELY. Vuni doesn't even want to think about "moving forward" in life with things going the way they are now.


Which is why I feel so awful... he'd probably be better off without me.


It's painful thinking that, it's painful typing that, it's all-around unfathomable. I'm a selfish, horrible bitch for what I'm doing to him. If I were a better, selfless person, and if I truly loved him, I'd let him get on with his life, without me, the train-wreck, prisoner-to-her-own-mind. 


But I can't.


I know he has the freedom to leave; he himself has told me that he is with me because he loves me. And I'm grateful for this. I'm so thankful that he is able to love the girl behind the anxiety disorder.


Maybe this is why I like the Twilight series. Especially Midnight Sun... Edward disgusted with himself, for being a vampire and feeling undeserving of a human girl's love, but not being able to stay away from her. Not being able to walk away. Edward feeling like Bella is too good for him, and that she deserves so much more. Not having the strength to let go...
... but she loves him. She wants him; she doesn't want him to let go. 


I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself, being that I'm comparing my life to a damn vampire romance novel, but nonetheless...


I feel very much like Edward. I can't control the fact that I have an anxiety disorder (I sure as hell didn't ask to have one, and wouldn't wish it on ANYONE).  I can control certain aspects of it (major thing I need to work on), but in the mean time, it's wreaking havoc on my life. I'm feeling utterly undeserving of the absolute most amazing person I've ever met... yet for some reason he loves me and wants me. A part of me is telling myself that he would be so much better off without me... but I know I would never have the strength to leave him. Probably because I'm too selfish... maybe because I'm too in love. 


Because I love him more than anything. He's given me strength, when I felt like I couldn't cope. He gives me a reason to keep fighting; even when I feel like it's not worth it. He constantly reminds me that yes, there is a person behind the anxiety disorder, and she is very much worth loving.


The anxiety is my midnight; he is my sun.

"My life was an unending, unchanging midnight... so how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?"  Edward, from Midnight Sun

I'll probably write more about this (the issues between Vuni and I) at a later time, but for now, I'm pretty shocked that I was able to draw these parallels. Maybe I'm crazy. If you're feeling sappy, and are interested, here's the link to Midnight Sun. I like it much better than Twilight ;)

Catharsis: "Un-Friending" for My Sanity

Once upon a time, in land far far away in cyberspace called Facebook, I was adamant to send and receive as many friend requests as possible, change my status multiple times a day, and upload new pictures of myself frequently. Not anymore.


Why?


I absolutely despise what I believe Facebook has become: a place to be nosy as all hell. A place where you can pretend to care about someone because you're their "friend," but really, all you want is to dig up dirt on that person... you don't give a damn about them for real.


I've been guilty of doing that- I'm sure we all have- but it's been a long time.


At first, I was naive and thought it was a good thing, the way Facebook reconnects people and allows you to keep in touch with them. And yeah, it is a good thing- when it works out. For example- I have a friend whom I never really lost touch with, but we've grown apart. We've been friends since we were 8 years old, because our moms are extremely close. He and I are not close friends now, but I love him like a cousin, and I'm pretty sure he'll always be a part of my life... so he is my Facebook friend. We can check up on each other, because even though we're not super close, we genuinely care about each other, you know? 


But then, there's people from high school who have added me. High school might as well have been called "Hell School"; my agoraphobia and anxiety, plus the stupid stereotypes of popularity contests and such made my high school experience a miserable one. I actually liked the learning and studying part; it was the social aspect that made it awful. By my senior year, I was hiding out in the library during lunch and only had two friends that I regularly talked to. 


So at first, I thought it was kind of neat that people from high school would add me... and then I realized, they don't give a damn about me any more than they did in high school. They didn't want to "reconnect;" they wanted to stick their noses in my business and know if I'd gone the route of success, or was screwing up. I'm not saying I'm innocent as far as being mildly interested in what people are doing now... but I don't send them friend requests just so I can nose around their lives. Pathetic.


What breaks my heart is that I was close to a teacher in high school, Anna. When I graduated, she told me we couldn't stay in touch, at least initially, because of the weird conflict of interest thing. I thought that was a load of crap, but whatever. Earlier this year, nearly 7 years after I graduated HS, to my surprise, she sent me a friend request. I happily accepted. I sent her a message telling her how I was and asking her how she was, only to get a very vague response. Okkkay... so I sent her reply saying we should go get coffee and catch up. She agreed, but didn't give me a time as to when she was available, so I replied with "let me know when you have time." No response. I have heart surgery in June, and Vuni posted via my account to let everyone know that I'd come out from surgery ok. I get a message from Anna several days later, asking a bunch of questions about the surgery. WTF? I give a few vague answers, and once again, tell her that although I'm recovering and can't drive for awhile, my mom could pick me up and I could meet her for coffee to catch up. A week goes by. No response. Furious and hurt, I de-friended her. I couldn't believe it. This situation was absolute proof to me that she did not give a shit about me, but that all she wanted was to butt into my business. I was seriously so hurt.

Another thing that really, really bothers me is when I have been responsive to friends (commenting on their status or pictures) and they never extend the same courtesy. I realize (unlike MANY people) that FB is not a popularity contest, but when I interact with someone, I expect them to interact back with me at least every now and then. A perfect example is a kid named Rick that I went to school with. I loved the kid, thought he was funny and enjoyed commenting on his goofy statuses on FB... but I don't know that he EVER said anything to me on there. Finally, I decided I was sick of this one-sided "friendship" and since I was nearing my graduation and figured I wouldn't be seeing too much of him anymore, I unfriended him as well.


And then, there's friends like Jackie. Jackie was a lot like Rick; I felt as thought the friendship was pretty one sided, especially because Jackie lives half-way across the country, so our "friendship" was pretty much all in cyberspace. 


What bothered me about Jackie is... she's WAY too personal. Now, you're may be thinking, Em what the hell? You're spilling all of these crazy thoughts of yours and insane situations you've been in, and you're criticizing someone for being TOO personal? Yes, but let me explain.


My blog is my blog, and it is specifically to share my experiences and thoughts as I try to navigate through life, dealing with both a severe anxiety disorder and potentially life-endangering heart conditions (what a combination...). It's here for people to read, if they want to. If they search for my blog, and decide they want to read it.


That is precisely why I had to delete Jackie; seeing as that things were already rough, with her not contributing much to our "friendship," I just got sick and tired of reading and seeing everything she was posting. She's a health snob- to the max. And while not excessively wealthy, she sure as hell acted like she was made of gold. So part of this is my own jealousy, and I can admit that. But it's a little hard to log onto FB and see her specifically bashing people who drink coffee from 7-11, just because she can afford a $4 cup of "real" Chai tea from Peets every day. It hurts just a little bit when she specifically talks shit about processed foods, just because she can afford to shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joes (while I shrink into the corner with my 18 cent cup of ramen...). And it makes me cringe in sadness and shame when she says that the only place she will buy her jeans at is Nordstroms. I bought a pair of jeans for the first time in months last week. Wanna know where I got them? From the thrift store. What set me over the edge is when she bashed aerobics videos... what the actual fuck? Good for you, that you're a stay at home mom, and can not only afford a membership to the poshest (her word, not mine) fitness club in your city, but that you have all the time in the world to go there and work out whenever, since they also have a super-amazing daycare. My mom, who works full time as 2nd grade teacher, and is involved with extracurricular stuff with the school, maintains quite a nice little body for being almost 50 years old and having a number of health problems... by getting up at 4:15 every morning and working out to various aerobics videos.


I'm not bashing Jackie for having certain opinions about things; what bothers me is that she is constantly sharing these opinions that are, quite frankly, offensive. They are to me (and I know I'm not the only one, as I have seen some people call her out on things here and there). It's not that I don't think people should share their opinions, but I think people need to think before they share their opinions because, let's face it, no matter what your privacy settings are, Facebook has become a pretty public "place." I actually had to delete one of my own cousins (this was several years ago) because she was shamelessly (and without thinking) posting stuff on political/social issues that I found EXTREMELY offensive. Even moreso, I was appalled that she'd just openly post this stuff on FB when she knows that a lot of our family doesn't share similar beliefs; to me, it was worse than if she were to stand on a crowded street corner with a sign and a megaphone.


So you see, I am not clogging up the NewsFeed of everyone who is on my Friends list with why my life is so much better than yours because I can afford everything to be all natural and top-notch (ha) or proclaiming that you are going to go to hell if you're sinning in ways a-b-c/x-y-z. 


And then... these friends are the kinds that not everyone has: the triggering ones. People with eating disorders, you know what I'm talking about. For those of you who don't, "triggering" is pretty much as it sounds, someone who, through words or actions (and sadly, appearance) makes the ED voices go off like crazy. Makes you feel fat, want to lose weight, want to not eat, yadda yadda. I haven't had too many of these friends, but thought I'd bring it up, especially because I just de-friended one. 


I was very torn about having to unfriend Stevie. I've known her for almost 5 years; we were in treatment together. She is a very sweet girl and a good person, but I've been driven to the edge. Again, part of it may be jealous or envy, but it blows my mind that she has been to some of the top treatment facilities in the country... and she makes no effort to get better. None. She constantly gushes about how she has the "best family in the world!," whom also happen to be very wealthy. She graduated from high school 3 years ago, but has only made it through 1.5 semesters of college. She has never had a job. So... I don't get it. Loving family, no financial worries, no job (so no job stress), and no school stress since her family is obviously (and rightly so) more concerned about her getting healthy before she continues her education. I obviously don't know the whole situation, but I know that I can't be the only one who would love to be in her position. How many people would love to be able to afford the best treatment? Would love to not have to worry about your job, or finances, and could just go and stay in treatment as long as it takes? Stevie spent almost 7 months at her most recent treatment center; a few months after her discharge, she looked as sickly and frail as she did pre-treatment facility. She's been to 5 different treatment facilities with multiple stints in 2 of them since I've known her.


It makes me so angry that Stevie has all of these great opportunities that so many people with eating/mental disorders could only dream of having, and she doesn't even make an effort. Doesn't give a damn, doesn't try. Well, I'm sick of it. It's frustrating as all hell, it's triggering to me, and I don't want to watch her kill herself; especially not when she has all of the money, tools, and support to get through this. So I de-friended her.


I don't know if all of this is a result of the agoraphobia/anxiety having worsening immensely over the past 1-1.5 years, or just the fact that it's the truth (ie, some "normal" people feel the same way). I've become very "quiet" on my FB, and don't post as much pictures as I use to, but regardlessly, I don't want looky-lous who don't give a damn about me nosing around my stuff. I'm sick of one-sided "friendships." I'm sick of FB being a world of too-much-info, where people blurt out random things without thinking about what they're saying and how it might affect their friends. And I for sure have no room for people in my life who are just going to trigger my ED thoughts. Seriously, Facebook seems like a big, online high school, full of drama, immaturity, and acting before thinking.


So why don't I just delete my account? Because... there are some people, specifically long distance, who I want to be FB friends with. I actually did voice my desire to possibly delete my account to one of these friends, but she convinced me otherwise.


I went on a massive deletion spree the other day; and I can say, with a MUCH shorter friend list... I'm feeling a hell of a lot better. Some people I didn't think twice about deleting. Others, like Jackie and Stevie, were much more painful. I actually questioned myself after the matter: did I do the right thing? In my heart, I know I did. Neither girl is a bad person by any means, but they're not good for me. When I get more frustration and anger out of a "friendship" than I do joy and there's no indication that things will improve... that's a sign it's time to go.

For anyone who uses Facebook for networking, I understand that :) For anyone who is the polar opposite of me (ie, not all uptight and paranoid) and doesn't mind casual FB friends, I give you kuddos. But that's not me. I have a hard enough time with people in real life; hiding behind my computer, I don't need crap in my online life. My FB friends don't need to be people I see often or am even very close to... but they have to be people I care about, and whom I know care about me too.

A Bittersweet End... WOOHOO!

HOLY SHIZ.


It's OFFICIAL. IT'S REAL.


On September 3, 2011, Miss Em Jay G. (ME!) received official conformation that she is a college graduate!


WOW.


I keep staring at this sheet of paper, thinking... 7 years of blood, sweat, tears and lots of $$$ went into this little piece of parchment. I did it. I graduated from college. I know it may not seem like that big of a deal; I know a lot of people graduate with a B.S. and higher every year, but I am damn proud of myself. 


Many, many times, I didn't think I'd ever get to see my diploma; it often seemed impossible. In the darkest of moments, I thought I'd probably end up dead before I would ever see it; a good majority of the time, I thought the anxiety would just be too much, and I'd give up and drop out of school. I was tempted to every. single. semester. But I didn't give up.


It's a very bittersweet feeling to be finished. Part of it still feels very unreal, though the fact that I am finished has sunk in now that I have proof. A part of me, in the back of my mind, is still a little sad, BUT- seeing my diploma, I feel so happy and so PROUD of myself, that I just want to be giddy and enjoy the moment... even if the future is uncertain.


Damn I'm feeling empowered; I'm dead serious when I say I thought earning this degree was impossible... yet I still trudged through. All I gotta say, people, is if you want something bad enough- NEVER GIVE UP.

Communication: So Easy Said, So Difficult Done

So, I just graduated with a degree in Mass Communications. My emphasis area was electronic/new media. I know a lot about it; but it doesn't take a degree in MaCom to know that the world is rapidly becoming more and more connected through technology and social media.


When I was hanging out with my mom's 2nd grade class the other day, I showed them a video of my parents' little dog, Penny, thru my iPod by sticking it under my mom's document camera (thank you, technology). The kids squealed with excitement, and several exclaimed, "Em, you need to put that video on YouTube!!" What??? These are 2nd graders, people! Seven and 8 year olds! I don't know why this mildly surprised me; I know tweens who have nicer phones than I do. It's easier than ever to connect with people from all over the world, to express yourself, to share your talents and become a star, all thanks to technology and social media.


That being said... I almost feel like true communication has gone downhill. Emails and Facebook messages take the place of snail mail, blogs take the place of journals and scrapbooks, and iChat and Twitter take the place of face-to-face conversations. 


I'm not trying to completely blame social media, or even say that it's a bad thing... I just don't think it should take the place of honest, open, real conversations.


Because it was a lack of communication that caused the fight Vuni and I got in. While I don't attribute our fight directly to too much social media and such, I have noticed that a lot gets lost in translation because we send each other texts or emails, that come across in much different tones than what we sent them in. 


Anyways, I'll get on to the main point: we did kiss and make up, but it wasn't easy.


I will spare the gory details of our conversation, but give you the gist of what happened. It started by me saying, "So... are you going to talk to me? Because I am the one who always does all of the talking. It's your turn." To my surprise, he said, "I know... I read your blog." What? Shock! I feel bad for not having faith in him, but he had never said anything about it; I assumed that after I first told him about my blog, maybe he'd check it out quickly to humor me, not actually read anything. Anyways, at first, it was, as I expected, like pulling teeth. I'd talked about how hard it is for Vuni to communicate when it comes to very serious issues and emotions in my previous post, so I was not expecting it to be easy.


But what I learned, more than anything, is just how crucial communication is, in any relationship. I've always felt like he and I have had relatively good communication skills; we rarely argue, and when we do, we're the "never go to bed angry" people (well... usually). I am very blessed in the fact that Vuni has even been eager to attend therapy secessions in the past, something I know that is very difficult for many men. I wasn't anticipating that, the deeper you get into a relationship, just how much harder you need to work and how much more effort needs to be put into honest communication. I was somewhat naive, but I assumed that because we've been together so long, love would work things out for us... when the reality is, you have to work to make love work.


My therapist has told us that relationships are like a Venn Diagram

The relationship is compromised of two unique individuals, who come together as a couple (the middle part). Hence, two people with dreams, goals, ideas, morals, ect. Sometimes they share these things, sometimes they don't; the couples that work are the ones who know how to communicate, and are able to work through their differences (which can mean a lot of different things).


The problem is, I haven't been getting the whole picture of Vuni. I do not completely blame him; I understand that he was not raised to express his feelings or have deep discussions, but rather to look the other way. So I realize that the communication factor is difficult for him; but I honestly believe that, during our conversation last night, he realized, like myself, just how important that honesty is.


Because I don't know what he's thinking; I don't know, so I assume. And I was assuming a lot of things wrong. Not only that, but he was able to explain things to me, such as why he is hesitant to get married. Had I known his reason, I wouldn't have felt so hurt or worried that I was "not enough."


After last night, I am aware of so much more. I'm not unappreciated; I am loved immensely by an absolutely wonderful man. We just have things we need to work through, things we need to do, before we can keep moving forward together in life. I feel confident now, though, that as long as we're doing what we need to, and as long as we stay honest with each other, love will find a way.

LoveLoveLove