I'm in LOVE

...with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Waving the bright red flag of nerd proudly ;)

But seriously, there are VERY few movies that I can sit through and just watch. My anxiety really messes with my attention span; I like having TV on in the background, but it's very difficult for me to sit through a movie, or even an episode of a TV show (though they are easier). I sat through the whole HP 7 Part 2 last night, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I have it on in the background right now... watching the regular version, right after watching it in "Maximum Movie Mode." So yeah, a tiny bit obsessed with this movie X_x

Might as well mention as a bit of a disclaimer to any other crazy HP fans... I know there are some subtle changes from the book, but the really important parts are so beautifully done and it's so visually, emotionally, and overall accurate of the big picture of the story that I can forgive the minor changes ;) I truly think it is a beautiful film that lives up well to the spectacular novel it is based upon :D

Yeah, I'm totally a crazy HP fan. Those books are some of the happiest memories to me, you know? I freaking loved/still love reading the Harry Potter books. I love how they transport the reader into this amazing world of magic... Rowling is a genius! In all cliche-ness, the books are damn enchanting... and I can't help but love the movies as well. I started reading the books when I was only 14 years old; nearly a year and a half later, the first movie came out. It's been amazing, the progression of the books and the films... parasocial interaction big time <3

Oh yes, and... HP 7 Part 2 is even more special to me because it was a surprise that Vuni got for me last night :D We had a blast watching it! Wow, I really feel lucky & loved <3

Grateful

I think I've mentioned this before: my mom is a 2nd grade teacher. I spend a lot of time volunteering in her classroom; I truly love it. I love the kids; they're so cute and sweet. 


Anyways, this week my mom handed out these paper feathers that say "I'm thankful for..." and then have a few blank lines for them to fill in. Before I get sentimental and stuff...


I'm sort of dreading the holidays this year. Honestly, I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I love the decorations, the lights, the smells, sounds, ect. but I despise the drama and stress... which, with a big family, there's always more then plenty of that. But I'm really fretting about it this year, because our lack of $$$ means that we don't have money for presents. My mom has been so sweet, telling me repeatedly not to worry, that her and my dad were unable to afford gifts for people the first few years they were together, and that everyone understands... which made me think...



well, I've realized for awhile that I'm in a pretty rough patch in my life. Vuni and I barely, and I mean, barely (with help from our parents) make it. I honestly can't remember the last time I went on a shopping trip to just... shop. I've downgraded on a lot of things (Bare Minerals to cheap makeup) and try to make things last as long as possible. I can't buy something just to buy it. Hell, I can't even buy necessities just to buy them; sometimes it comes down to, do I need the package of toilet paper or the bag of frozen blueberries more? Essentially, we're just scraping by, and it sucks.


But then- I remember: I have a roof over my head. I'm warm. I'm clean. I have clean clothes. I have clean, drinkable water. I have a car to get places. A phone to call people. I have all of the necessities to live comfortably. And really... I have SO MUCH more than that.


I honestly don't know how I was so lucky to end up with Vuni. The past few nights, we have fallen asleep on the couch, our two kitty girls cuddled next to us, while watching TV. And I've been incredibly happy. In fact, I look forward to the evenings when we can just snuggle together. I love that I get to just mush out and relax with this person who knows me better than anyone, who loves me like I never thought I'd be loved, and who still thinks I'm worthwhile and lovable despite all of my flaws and scars. I love living with my best friend. I love falling asleep with my legs tangled in his. I love seeing his smile when he comes home from work. Five and a half years, and he still gives me butterflies...


I wish our situation were better. I wish I were better. Because honestly, I know our situation is my fault... or at least, is because of me, if not my fault.


That being said, it truly has made me realize just how little material things mean. They're nice; I love getting a new outfit, pair of shoes, or even eyeshadow as much as the next girl. But they're just things. Things that I would not trade for Vuni. I guess, what I'm trying to say is- yes, we struggle. No, life is not as comfortable as it could be (and by comfortable, I mean, not worrying about finances so much). But- I have the best friend/lover that I could have ever imagined. He makes me forget that we're just barely making it. He makes me forget that I have an anxiety disorder and am extremely socially awkward. I can be myself around him, more than I can anyone else... no material thing, or things, could ever match that.


So, we may just barely be struggling by... but, when I am nice and warm in bed, with my best friend and our two kitties at our feet, I can gladly say that, yes, I have a LOT to be thankful for.

A Year Ago Today...

I was delirious from lack of sleep (did not sleep AT ALL during the night) and simultaneously very keyed up.


Last night was the one year anniversary of my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.


I'm not quite to one year of sobriety... that's not until November 22 (slipped twice, somewhat intentionally, in the first 30 days). But going to the AA meeting is one of the bravest things I have ever done. Nobody forced me to go. Nobody went with me. I, agoraphobic, anxious, shy Em, found the strength and the courage to walk into an AA meeting, full of strangers, alone. 


Going to an AA meeting for the first time is scary enough when you're not a little ball of anxiety. I know, because of the countless stories I've heard. And, I mean, think about it... admitting that you have an addiction to alcohol, that you are letting your life be ruled by a nearly uncontrollable, never-ceasing craving to drink. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. Not only are you admitting this shit to yourself... you're admitting it to a room full of total strangers.


Needless to say, it takes a lot. Lots of inner strength, lots of courage. But it is very possible- and very worth it.


I'm still not convinced I need to abstain from alcohol my whole life.


Alcohol itself wasn't the thing I was addicted to; I was addicted to the way it made me feel. The rush of self-confidence it gave me. The way the room warmed and blurred, making everything seem "safe." The feeling of contentment. The numbness. The blacking out; not having to worry about insomnia. And the forgetfulness- in the morning I never remembered how stupid I'd behaved; I only knew what Vuni told me.


I'm proud to say that, while I feel a slight sense of longing for these things... it's such a fleeting desire. Like a veil hiding something hideous; pretty, but look beyond it, and there's nothing but despair. I still literally feel sick remembering the absolutely awful hangover I had a year ago yesterday. It was tempting to do the "easy" (and expensive) thing- my parents asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital/a detox center... but no. I felt I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. I needed to burn into my mind just how physically painful it was, how destructive alcohol could be. And this has helped me- because that memory has reminded me of why I need to stay away from alcohol. Why it's not worth slipping up.


I don't think I could ever get addicted to alcohol again, but now is not the time for me to be taking chances. I'd love to enjoy a tasty beer again, or margarita... but until I am more skilled at using positive coping methods, it's best that I stick to the sobriety path :) 


Happy one year- never forget how brave you can be <3

A Bittersweet End... WOOHOO!

HOLY SHIZ.


It's OFFICIAL. IT'S REAL.


On September 3, 2011, Miss Em Jay G. (ME!) received official conformation that she is a college graduate!


WOW.


I keep staring at this sheet of paper, thinking... 7 years of blood, sweat, tears and lots of $$$ went into this little piece of parchment. I did it. I graduated from college. I know it may not seem like that big of a deal; I know a lot of people graduate with a B.S. and higher every year, but I am damn proud of myself. 


Many, many times, I didn't think I'd ever get to see my diploma; it often seemed impossible. In the darkest of moments, I thought I'd probably end up dead before I would ever see it; a good majority of the time, I thought the anxiety would just be too much, and I'd give up and drop out of school. I was tempted to every. single. semester. But I didn't give up.


It's a very bittersweet feeling to be finished. Part of it still feels very unreal, though the fact that I am finished has sunk in now that I have proof. A part of me, in the back of my mind, is still a little sad, BUT- seeing my diploma, I feel so happy and so PROUD of myself, that I just want to be giddy and enjoy the moment... even if the future is uncertain.


Damn I'm feeling empowered; I'm dead serious when I say I thought earning this degree was impossible... yet I still trudged through. All I gotta say, people, is if you want something bad enough- NEVER GIVE UP.