Escaping the Realm of AlcoHELL: part 1

My previous blog was on alcoholism, and how I, as one of the last people I'd ever expect to do so, fell victim to alcoholism. I ended with the story of how I realized that I could no longer run, no longer turn a blind eye to the fact that I had a very serious problem.


I was on the cusp of losing everything, namely, my wonderful, talented, gorgeous boyfriend Vuni. However, I also was probably pretty close to losing my life. To this day, it horrifies me to think about all the "what ifs?" that could have happened. The staircase leading down to our basement is dangerous enough to someone sober and stable; had I wandered over there, too drunk, and taken a spill down those stairs, it very easily could have been fatal. Not to mention the sheer amount of vodka and/or tequila I was drinking: a giant bottle of Burnett's Vodka roughly every two days. 

I'm gagging just looking at this now...

It's a miracle I didn't die of alcohol poisoning. My poor body was insanely bloated, to the highest weight I'd been since I was 15. I didn't fit into any of my jeans (though, admittedly, fashion was the last thing on my mind) and lived in sweatpants. My poor body ached and was covered in large, horrible blue/black/green/purple bruises from my drunken stumbling and falls. 


To someone who has never experienced the chains of alcoholism, you may be wondering But Em, your life was in the shithole! Why in all hell would you want to continue living like that over a stupid bottle of vodka? I HATED the way I was living; it was a short amount of time that I would say was the very dark period, maybe a month, but it is embarrassing and shameful to think I lived that way for even that long. However, I believe this also showcases the sheer power of alcohol. I lived lazy and drunk, bloated and bruised, confined to the house (which was filthy)... a far, far cry, from what I'd ever imagined myself living like. It's been almost a year, and writing about it now is making me slightly sick.


So I woke up, Friday, October 22, from my last drinking binge. And it was pure agony. I believe I initially woke up somewhere between 8 and 9 that morning; I was going to try to get up and get ready, but I couldn't even walk. My legs would not support me. So I crawled from our bedroom to the living room, and somehow managed to pull myself up onto the couch, where I fell "asleep." I say "asleep" in quotes because I think I slipped into and out of unconscieneness (sp? help?), but I just remember feeling so utterly sick; it was a hang-over on steroids, or something. Maybe my body somehow knew that I'd promised I had had my last drinking binge, and was reminding me, through punishment, that I had to go get help that evening.  


Somewhere around 11, I managed to get up and make it to the kitchen. Despite awful waves of nausea, I realized that I was very, very hungry. And thirsty. I gulped down a huge glass of water, and cut myself a slice of ho'made zucchini cake that Vuni's mom had given us. 

Mmm... not Vuni's mom, but looks tasty enough <3

Although able to walk, I was still very shaky and unsteady on my feet; when I would look down at the floor, it seemed like it was reaching up to grab me, or that I was falling forward in slow motion. So I stumbled my way back to the couch, where I remained until around 1:30. At this point, I felt stable enough to move around a little. I drew myself a hot bubble bath, followed it with a hot rinse in the shower, put on a clean "uniform" of sweatpants and a hoodie, and dried my hair. Still hungry (and nauseous...) I decided to try to eat again, but this time was not as successful as the first, and I violently threw up the little I tried to eat. Ah, well, at least my stomach had been receptive to something earlier.


Vuni got home around 4:25, happy to find that I had stuck to my word, and was waiting for him, showered and mostly sober (though still reeling from the effects of that wicked super hang-over). My dad had something to change or fix on my car, so Vuni and I decided that we'd take separate cars over to my parent's house, tell them that I had a therapy appointment, and Vuni would take me to my first Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting.


So we drove to my parent's house, chatted with them for a bit as we waited for 6:00 to draw nearer. When 5:30 rolled around, we told my parents good-bye, and I got into Vuni's car, waiting for him to drive me to the unknown.