Now... I'm sorry for this little rant, so skip ahead if you don't wanna hear this ;) but coffee snobs drive me just a little bit crazy. My brother is one such snob, so I don't feel too guilty complaining about this. It's super annoying when people act like convenience store coffee is poison and beneath them, because they can afford to drink a $5 latte catered by a barista every day. Umm, sorry, but some of us just can't afford to dish out $100+ a month on a beverage. A gourmet skinny raspberry vanilla latte is an occasional treat to me, not a daily necessity. I don't drink coffee every day anyway, so my cheap caramel apple flavored "cappuccino" from a dispenser is enough of a treat to me... and I enjoyed every last drop of it!
Caramel apple cappuccino dispensed from a machine? YES PLEASE!
We got to Vuni's parents' house, and I started on our laundry (no, sadly, Vuni and I do not have a washer and dryer- but we are blessed in that our parents let us use their facilities ;). The house was quiet, as Vuni's mom, Aren, and sister, Krisi, were at the grocery store; with the washer going, I decided to relax, drink my cheap cappuccino, and read the newspaper. All was well in the world.
I should note, before I continue, that 21-year old Krisi just moved back in with her and Vuni's parents, after living with friends for a year. Now, I do love Krisi; she is most likely going to be my sister in law one day, and I've thought of her that way for years now... but it's one of those, I love you but you're a pain in the ass type deals. She is almost the polar opposite of Vuni and I: popularity and cool factor means a lot to her, materialism is big, she loves reality TV and Top 40 music, wears $110 jeans (just an example of her materialism), goes tanning and has hair extensions, thinks clubbing and partying are the shit... that kind of thing.
What makes it truly difficult to be around her, however, is that she constantly seems to be on "a diet." She is constantly complaining about how she is too fat and needs to lose weight. She obsesses about food, calories, and exercise. She has multiple gym memberships, a ton of exercise equipment, a ton of adorable work-out clothes (not to mention, probably 10+ pairs of Nike/Adidas/ect. work out shoes... like, I'm not even kidding), and has taken various diet pills. She is not fat; she has an athletic build, though losing just a little bit of weight would not hurt. But that's besides the point; the fact is, she has been complaining about wanting to lose weight for at least a year, but it just hasn't happened. She starts up, then slips; starts up, then slips. I hate to say this, but... one of the biggest problems is her alcohol consumption. I just wish she would realize that; it would make a big difference :( The thing is... all her talk about dieting and exercising and self-loathing is extremely triggering to me.
When Aren and Krisi returned from grocery shopping, I jumped up and began helping them unload the car. Before we even finished putting the groceries away, it began:
"Oh yeah, you can put the avocados in that dish; we're not allowed to eat fruit on this diet, so we won't be putting any in there."
"This dressing has too many grams of sugar in it, we can't eat it!"
"Do you and Vuni want these soups? No pasta on this diet, so we need to get rid of them!"
They weren't even home for a full 5 minutes, and my head was ready to explode!
Em, you need to diet too. Maybe you're not fat, but you don't want to slip up, and become fat. Wait, maybe you are fat. Okay, maybe you're not fat, but if they're not eating x, you shouldn't be eating x. But what if you are fat? What if you get fat? What if fruit really does make you fat? What if they get skinnier than you? Are they trying to make you fat by giving you the foods they don't want to eat, so they can be skinnier than you? You need to tone up, you need to work out more, you need to keep it together, so you that DO NOT FAIL.
I am so embarrassed and so ashamed to admit that those thoughts were running through my head; that even now, in some ways, they still are (but I promised that I would be honest on this blog, despite feeling embarrassed/ashamed). Why am I having these thoughts? They are so, so irrational, and I know it. I'm happy that I can at least identify that these thoughts are irrational, but it frustrates the hell out of me that I have them in the first place... and that they affect me so much :(
So while Aren and Krisi began cooking a lunch they were "allowed" to have, I decided to self-soothe by escaping to the laundry room and folding/hanging up the load of Aren's clothes I'd just pulled out of the dryer. (Am I crazy that doing chores soothes me? More on that later...) So I seem like a big hypocrite, right? I am semi-rigid with my food intake/level of daily activity, despite being... thin (see even admitting that I know that I, in reality, am thin is very difficult), but it's not okay for them to do the same? Well, it makes me angry that I see myself, and very eating disordered thoughts, in what they're doing, when they not only know how badly I have struggled with body dysmorphia/disordered eating, but Aren's sister at one time struggled with a severe eating disorder. I could see if they were taking an honest healthy approach (Weight Watchers, or just being conscience and active like my parents), but they aren't approaching it in a healthy way. Eliminating entire food groups, using negativity to "keep each other in line," obsessing... I mean, it's dejavu! It's like watching my irrational eating disordered thoughts played out in front of me! And it's extremely triggering... hence my crazy explosion of irrational thinking.
When lunch was ready, I was faced with a dilemma; do I prove that I am the "disciplined" skinny girl and not eat, or do I prove that I can be rational and eat anyways? Overall, I chose to be rational; fear and a little bit of anger kept me from eating the chili they were having, but I did have a good, decent sized salad dressed up with blue cheese and almonds, aka healthy proteins & fats (not just veggies!). I also had a big glass of pom-blueberry juice... and a small glass of milk.
After lunch, however, I was feeling a little guilty, not to mention grumpy due to pain/discomfort from the ear infection that I've had for too freaking long now... so what did I do to deal with this? I became my mother.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a girl who at one time thought the iron was a pointless device ironed her bed sheets. I've contemplated ironing my sheets for some time now; I make our bed every day, and I've just thought it would look prettier if they laid flat, not in a crinkly mess. However, ironing sheets is something my mother does. You know, when your mom is nagging you to do your chores, you're thinking she's crazy because she irons her sheets? Well, now that I'm in my own house, I've become tidy and nit-picky, just like my mom! The myth is true, in my case. It's a good thing I have such an awesome mom, otherwise I'd be more worried about myself than I already am ;)
Ironing and anticipating how pretty our bed would look quieted the irr-thoughts. I finished our laundry. Vuni wanted to stick around for dinner; it wasn't going to be ready for awhile, so he and I decided to go to the store and pick up a few groceries ourselves, while Aren also asked us to pick up a few things she forgot. Despite the doubts stirred up when Aren told me that she and Krisi cannot eat fruit, I went ahead and grabbed my blueberries and bananas for my smoothies. (SCORE!- my love for smoothies just won't let those stupid irr-thoughts derail me! Seriously, I can't imagine not having my smoothie in the morning...).
By the time we got back, the anticipation of dinner was getting to me. Since we still had a bit until it was time to eat, I went downstairs, and used Krisi's kettle bells to do some mild weight training... just to ease my mind. This then turned into some yoga, specifically planking. Ah, the burn in my arms took away from the ear discomfort... Err, yeah, I think I'm calling my doctor tomorrow :( Follow up wasn't suppose to be for another week, but things aren't getting better... and I'm sick of it!
I ended up eating a great dinner; more salad (with blue cheese again!), hearts of palm, baked potato, and grilled bell peppers and onions- YUM. I felt GOOD about it after; and I STILL feel good about it. It was a damn awesome dinner.
I'm anticipating a bumpy road ahead, and even as I sit here, I'm wrestling with uncertain thoughts (though now, I'm worrying about how selfish and self-absorbed I sound, making such a big deal of this... does it ever stop?). However, I'm proud of how I dealt with such immense triggers today. Instead of letting the thoughts consume me, and resorting to starving or purging, I did my best to rationalize... I acknowledge that I was having irrational thoughts, but I distracted myself in healthy(ier) ways. I'd call that success. And hell yeah, our bed looks awesome ;)
P.S. Despite my frustrated complaints, I truly do love my (most likely) future mama and sis-in-laws. If they didn't occasionally make you question your sanity, could you seriously consider them family? I think not ;)
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