At approximately 5:30 on October 22, 2010, I was in my boyfriend's car, on my way to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
HO. LY. CRAP.
The idea of going alone to some place new and unexpected is terrifying for me enough in itself. Add in the factor that going to a place full of strangers, where you are expected to admit that you have a serious life-controlling issue, is scary enough for anyone, regardless if you are shy or a social butterfly. I mean, think about it. It would take pure courage for any person to walk into a room full of people they've never met, not knowing in the slightest what to expect, and admit that they are an alcoholic.
So how did this little ball of anxiety manage such a feat?
It is simple and complex at the same time. Simple, because, I was on what I'd like to call a courageous high. I was determined to get help for my alcoholism. My life was going down the toilet, and I knew that I could not continue on this path without something seriously traumatic happening. Forgive me for drawing parallels, but I think Lady Gaga's song "Judas" pretty much sums up what I was going through; alcohol was the demon I was clinging to. I hated it, I knew it was ruining my life, but up until this point, I could not stop. Every single time I bought another bottle of vodka, I told myself, Just this last one. This will be your last one and you then you'll stop. Ha! Anyone who has ever suffered from any type of addiction, regardless of what it is, knows that "this is the last one and then I'll stop," is a load of BULLSHIT. I had come to the point where I knew that telling myself this lie would no longer work; it hadn't worked up until this point, why would it magically work with the next "last one"? I was ready to admit that I couldn't stop on my own, and willing to seek and accept help.
We pulled into the parking lot of the church where the meeting was held. Several people were standing outside, talking, smoking, and laughing. I don't know if this reassured me or scared me even more; I was so incredibly terrified, I don't know that anything could have made things worse. However, I was also feeling so determined, so incredibly strong and brave, that turning back did not cross my mind either. Mentally and emotionally, it was a very strange place to be; but I knew there was no turning back.
With some gentle encouragement from Vuni, and running on my courageous high, I managed to get out of the car. The sun was slowly setting, and it was chilly. I had no idea what I was suppose to do, who I was suppose to approach, or where I was suppose to go (it was a big church). Vuni smiled at me, and I could see the love and encouragement in his eyes. He believed in me. I felt the love bubble surround me. Although it was only a few yards, walking up to the group of people standing outside seemed to take an eternity. It was like I was walking underwater, my chest tightening and begging for oxygen, the pressure crushing me tighter and tighter with each step I took.
One of the people standing outside was a bubbly lady with beautiful red hair and a cigarette in her hand; she looked friendly enough, and more like she was there to attend church than an AA meeting. She was the one I designated to approach.
In my mousy (as Vuni & my parents call it ;) little voice: "Excuse me... but do you know if this is where the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is?"
"It is! Is this your first meeting?"
"Yes."
"Aw, you poor thing! Don't be scared, it's okay. Come on, I'll go inside with you!"
"Okay :) Thank you..."
She put out her cigarette, I nodded to Vuni who was waiting in the car to see that I was okay, and in we walked...
"My name's T, what's yours?"
"Em,"
"Aw, I know it's scary, but you're making the right choice. It will be okay. This is a good place to be."
I followed her down into the church basement, past some classrooms and the nursery, into a large room with tables arranged roughly into a circle, and a bunch of chairs. In the corner stood a table with several coffee makers, cans of coffee and tea and all the fixings, and cookies and candy. A few people had already taken their seats. I sat down next to T, who quietly chatted with me and encouraged me to make myself comfortable, maybe go get some coffee or tea to warm me up. Though still very, very afraid, I was starting to feel less on-edge at this point. I figured the hardest part was probably over, now that I was here and situated.
I wasn't prepared at all for what happened next. As 6:00 drew closer, more and more people trickled in, and although my anxiety was mounting with each person who entered the room, I also felt... comforted? These people greeted each other the way that two family members or good friends would greet one another after a period of separation. Their eyes lit up. Giant, genuine smiles broke out across their faces. They squeezed one another's hands, wrapped one another in bear hug embraces. It wasn't just friendly looking women doing this; grown men, men and women, old and young, those who looked as though they'd seen better days, and those who looked, like T, that they were at the meeting by accident, and were instead heading for some nice event or possibly getting off of work. The room seemed to be getting warmer with all of the genuine affection in the air; I was still very anxious, but I also felt more hopeful, less afraid, and pleasantly surprised.
One of the women I had seen standing outside took her place at the head of the table. I had no idea what this meant; was she a therapist? A volunteer designated to lead the AA meeting? At 6:00 on the dot, she cleared her throat, and loudly called over the chatter, "My name's J and I'm an alcoholic." Immediately, the chatter ceased and a chorus of "Hi J," rang out.
**I am leaving out some details here. If curious, and for further explanation, please see the note at the end of this post.
After the meeting basics were out of the way, J said, "okay, now we'll have introductions, starting on my right."
WHAT?! Introductions?! Are you fucking kidding me?! There's got to be 40+ strangers in here, and I have to introduce myself to them?!
Yeah, that's what was happening. One by one, every single person announced, "Hi, my name's --- and I'm and alcoholic," to which they would receive a chorused response "Hi ---!" My heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid I was either going to pass out, or set off my ICD; but the next thing I knew, the group was saying, "Hi ---!" to the person on my left.
"I'm Em and I'm an alcoholic,"
Just like that, I said it. It felt like I'd jumped off of some high point, where I had been fearful anticipating what would happen, only to land on a billowy pile of pillows. And I felt relief! I had honestly proclaimed to this group of strangers that I was an alcoholic, and dammit, I was here to take care of that problem.
For the rest of the meeting, I sat and listened, fascinated, as various members of this brave group spoke. Really, whatever I had anticipated up until this point, I had not expected anything like this.
The meeting ended, and suddenly, I found myself swarmed by a group of people. A cute little gal, I assumed roughly my age, was the first to approach me. She introduced herself (L), and began talking to me; complimenting me for be so brave to take the first steps towards coming to terms with my problem, introducing me to other regulars in the group, filling me in on details of the meeting, reassuring me that we were all in the same boat, and giving me a sheet listening all of the daily meetings and their times/locations in our city. She asked someone to get me a Blue Book, and walked me outside. It was dark now, and I could see Vuni's car parked in the shadows. To my surprise, it was already about 7:15; by nature, I had planned to bolt as soon as the meeting was over.
L chatted with me for another minute, reassured me that I truly was making the right choice, and gave me her phone number and hug, telling me that I could call her if I need anything, anything at all.
I made my way to Vuni's car feeling an overwhelming (yes, weird!) sense of relief, slid into the passenger's seat, and turned to Vuni.
"Well? How was it?"
"It was unreal. It was amazing..."
** I am a little unsure of just how much detail I could go into about the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting; although I have not been to a meeting this year, I am well aware of the severity and importance of anonymity of the organization. That being said, I also know just how terrifying the anticipation of that first meeting is. It had taken several weeks of agonizing and worrying about what the first meeting would be like until I finally had the courage... and the final straw... to go to that first meeting. If I had had some sort of idea, even the slightest as to how the meeting would actually take place, I might not have waited so long. I might have sought help sooner. So I feel comfortable sharing as much as I feel necessary to tell my story.
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