The best things in life may be "free," but they are only free in a monetary sense; the "best things" come at a much higher cost, in my opinion.
I'm specifically thinking about love/relationships.
Is this why so many marriages end in divorce? Because people rush into things without thinking about just how much effort truly needs to go into making a relationship work?
Forgive me for saying this, it truly is just my opinion, but I think people who simply believe their love is strong enough to get them through anything are full of shit- unless they're referring to the fact that love makes you a stronger, more selfless, more understanding, more-willing to compromise and sacrifice and deal with some really unpleasant emotions. I'm thinking of the people who assume that love is a faerie tale; that, because they're in so love, no problems will come their way, and if any do happen to, they can just magically get through that problem together, unscathed.
I'm one of those people who, at one time, believed that; it sounds really sappy, and I knew from the get-go that no relationship is perfect... I also know that my boyfriend and I are both very sweet and compassionate people, who despise drama and debate. With this thought in mind, I naively assumed that we wouldn't have too difficult of a time; that, even when problems came our way, our love itself would be strong enough to pull us through it.
The truth is, love, and a good, lasting relationship, is hard as hell. It's a lot of f*cking work. There are times it's going to be extremely painful. There are times when you'll question do I really belong with this person? Is it worth the effort? all while not being able to imagine life without them. I honestly believe this is why people fall apart. I mean, obviously, if two people don't work out, then the relationship does need to end... but when you are truly in love, and want things to work out, it's a whole different ball game. Somehow, I believe we are made to believe that love means things are easy; effortless (cough cough- Twilight Saga!). If you love each other, things will work out... yes and no.
There's so much compromise and sacrifice, so much thought and emotion, so much that needs to be understood, and taken into account. Love's not a simple thing by any means; it's complex, and my own relationship with Vuni is fool-proof evidence of that.
I'm a big-hearted, thoughtful romantic. Sweet, sentimental cards for the holidays (and sometimes just because), little surprises here and there, "I love you, my handsome!" and other adoring random text messages, babying when sick or after a hard day... just to name a few. Vuni... he's a sweetheart, but... not like that. I've finally learned to not expect much on Valentine's Day (no elaborately planned-out surprise dates, no flower and/or balloon deliveries, ect.) because he's just not into it (in fact, our first Vday together was quite painful; he did NOT enjoy my very sweet surprise to him, which I thought had been an awesome idea).
I am very high-strung (duh... anxiety); Vuni, on the other hand, is extremely mellow and go-with-the-flow. He adapts easily to change, and doesn't mind last minute, half-developed plans. As for myself? I'm neurotic about planning; a total control freak. I want to know when and where something is happening as soon as we know it's happening. I want to know all of the details as soon as possible; Vuni's okay with just knowing the date, and as the date approaches, the location. This type of thing is really important to us because of Vuni being a musician; his calendar is often filled up with gigs. Now, while the mellow/anxious polar oppositeness has caused friction, I should note that it has also been good for the relationship in some ways...
His mellow nature has taught me to loosen up somewhat; loosen up, because it's necessary. In the beginning of our relationship, I was a totally controlling bitch. If he wasn't with me, or at work or school, I wanted to know where he was, who he was with, how long he was going to be there... ect. That sounds so awful when reading it, but believe me when I say, a large part of that control-freakishness was/is due to the anxiety (though I realize that does NOT justify my behavior). I was worried about him, and a tiny part of me was worried about him cheating. I was horrible, however. Sometimes when he'd be out with friends, I'd call him and keep him on the phone for a really long time, preventing him from enjoying his time out. Now, five years in, I've learned to be so much better about things. I obviously still like to know where he's going to be and (if it's something like a gig) for how long, but I don't nag him constantly; all I ask is that, in order to keep my anxious imagination from running haywire, he check in with me to let me know he's doing okay. (When I say I worry about him, I'm serious- I worry about everything under the sun, from car wrecks to drunks to him getting drunk... all stuff I really should not be worrying about).
***Disclaimer: things are about to get very raw & honest. No sugar-coating from this usually sweet little anxiety girl!
So this brings me to why I'm writing this post; we got in another "argument," though it wasn't really an argument at all. He had a gig last night; I debated going to it, but decided against it. His ska band was playing at the fair, and yesterday was opening day. Opening day at the fair = lots of people. Lots of drinking. Lots of drunk people. Not my cup of tea on a normal day, but as it was, I was having a really hard time, depressed about our/my current situation and anxiously anticipating an important medical evaluation (which took place this morning).
They were going to play from 8-11, so I assumed he'd be home around midnight, maybe 12:30. As he was getting ready, he asked me what he should wear, because he needed to "look cool." I responded teasingly with, "it doesn't matter, you're always cool... and who do you need to impress anyways?" When he left around 6, I reminded him, as I always do when he goes out at night without me, "keep in touch with me please!" He knew I was not doing too well; sad, stressed, and anxious... that today's med eval was a HUGE deal... anyone would be anxious about it.
If the tables were turned, and he were spending the evening alone, sad, stressed, and anxious, he'd be on my mind, no matter what I was doing. I'd want to check in with him, make sure he was doing okay, ect. I wouldn't want my worrying of him to put a damper on my evening (though it probably would, but that's just because I'm me and I worry too much), but I'd want to make sure he was doing alright, all things considered. And I'd just want to hear his voice...
I guess I assumed that, despite him being so cool with his band and shit (yes! I am being a bitter bitch!), he'd still find the time to engage in a text conversation or maybe even call me (just once!) to hear my voice and make sure I was having a decent evening. In the 7+ hours he was gone, he text me twice on his own; a total of four or five all together, with his responses to my texts. (TMI- I was trying to engage him in a little bit of sexting before they started... and only got quick, seemingly bored responses... after I was such a good, loving girlfriend to him, despite being sad/anxious which initially meant I was not "in the mood", earlier in the evening before he left me all alone for the night). Forget being on the back burner; I probably wasn't even on the stove. He was too busy in his Elite Super Cool Musician Club, entertaining his adoring fans and getting his much needed attention. He text me once before they started, and once during a break, to check on me.
I was hurt and exhausted by 11:15; I figured any time after this, he'd text or call me. Eleven-thirty rolls around. Do I call/text him? No... the fair is bustling and chaotic, I'll let him contact me; he will once things settle down, even though he should've by now. It was about 11:45 when I last glanced at my phone before dozing off on the couch (I mean, come on, my appointment was at 8:30 this morning- I needed to sleep, especially since I hadn't really the night before).
I woke up very suddenly to a dead quiet house, and the first thing I realized was that Vuni was home; his gear was right in front of me (he was in the bathroom). I glance at my phone- 1:30. No calls. No texts. I felt a rush of intense pain and sadness was over me like a giant wave, pulling me under the waters of swirling thoughts:
Why is he home so late? Why didn't he contact me? Was he having so much fun that I didn't matter? That he didn't even think of me? Or is it that, when he's with The Super Elite Musicians Club, I'm too below him? Is a couple of minutes out of 7+ hours he was gone really too much to spare, and am I not worth them? Doesn't he think of me at all? Especially knowing the state I was in... Did I do something wrong? Am I physically/sexually unsatisfying? Not satisfying enough? I told him I wanted him to hold me and cuddle me when I got home... that's obviously not a motivation for him to get home soon. Was he avoiding that? Was he avoiding it because he didn't want to just cuddle, or was he worried that I was going to start whining? Were there prettier/talented/smarter/BETTER girls there, fawning over him? Am I just not worth giving a damn about?
When he came out of the bathroom, I asked him why he didn't contact me and why he was home so late. "We hung out for a bit..." was all he could say. He came over to the couch to sit by me after a few minutes, but I wasn't having it; I marched off to our guest bedroom, and laid down. After about five minutes, I heard him get up to see where I'd gone; my back was turned to the door, so I assume he saw me and either just didn't want to talk about it, or wanted to let me sleep. Ha... ha... ha... it took a long time to fall back asleep. I had really weird dreams and woke up about every 45 minutes, staying awake maybe 10-15 minutes, then falling back asleep until I got up shortly after 6:00.
Before going to my appointment, I left a text message on his phone: I hope at least a part of you realizes just how much I'm hurting, even if you're too busy "being cool" to care.
Several hours later, I got an apology text. About an hour after that, I got an apology phone call. Very bland, basic, quiet apologies. No volunteering more information on the situation. No explaining why. No, how did your appointment go? or any other concern for my well being other that asking me "how're you doing?" during the phone call. Okay, I take part of this back; he said "I feel like shit" (referring to last night's events), and I replied with, "yeah, well, so do I," to which he had nothing to say.
I was suppose to go with Vuni to the two gigs he had today; one at this cute hippie festival, the other this evening at a steakhouse. Hell, I skipped out on a chance to see one of my best friends, AJ (my "adopted brother" who I don't get to see too often), because of my full schedule. I was so hurt and angry, I haven't gone to either gigs- and instead have been moping, cleaning, and blogging.
Vuni returned from the hippie fest gig earlier with a beautiful gift for me; when I opened the bag, part of me wanted to throw my arms around him and forget what's happened... but I've done that too often in the past. This is by far not the first time he's been inconsiderate of my anxiety and emotions in this way; in the past, he's tried to smooth things over with small gifts or treats, or by saying something sweet (like how pretty I look...), or by showing me a cute video on his phone... anything along those lines. Anything to distract from the problem. I love the beautiful clothes he brought me, and I appreciate that he realizes that I am upset... but that doesn't make up for talking about what happened. As I've said in a previous post, I want him to start taking more accountability. Am I ungrateful for not being content with "I'm sorry,"? At this point, after five years, I don't think so... I want him to talk to me about what happened, and I shouldn't have to be the one to start the conversation.
As I type this he is at his steakhouse gig. I hope he talks to me when he gets home... I've been feeling really shitty and hurt over all of this, and as much as I appreciate his apologetic token of love, what I want most is an explanation.
So this situation is a prime example of why love is such hard work. I'm hurting and upset because I feel like I wasn't important enough or worth a few minutes of his time, and that I am just too easily forgettable; now I'm waiting for his side of the story. I know I'm too anxious, and I'm probably too damn sensitive... but I also feel like I have been a "good girlfriend," in that I was not nagging or asking for too much. I wanted him to enjoy his evening, without me there ruining it with my anxiety or distaste for all of the drunks (and I'd probably want to leave as soon as they finished playing); I didn't feel like I was asking for much in return, and I didn't even get that... so I think I deserve to know why. Also... although I've been sullen and quiet towards Vuni all day, (and maybe a little bitchy in this post), I have not exploded at him or anything.
Love really is hard work... it's a good thing that, in this case, it always seems to be worth it. Here's to hoping for tonight (*
No comments:
Post a Comment