Back story: So every Wednesday after work, Vuni lugs his huge, beautiful double bass up to the next city to play with their jazz big band at this restaurant/bar/club type place. The bar tender/waitress girls are bimbo-y looking little chicks, but in general, tend to be nice. Until a few weeks ago; I very politely approached one of them, whom I've since nicknamed Bull, to inform her that my father and I could have gotten very sick, as there was bacon in his dinner (I had a few bites of it). We've both been strict vegetarians for years, and nowhere in the menu did it say that this dish had bacon in it. I realize that it was no one's fault, so I just wanted to politely tell her that perhaps maybe the cooks or whomever puts together the menus should note that the dish contained bacon. Well... instead of, at the very least, smiling and giving a pleasant response just to shut me up- Bull freaking snapped at me like I was being rude- a bitchy, out-of-place patron. I made my way back to our table feeling inches tall, fighting back tears.
One of my biggest issues is when people are rude for no reason; especially when I am perfectly polite and very sweet to everyone. In fact, I'm exceptionally patient and nice, because I know how hard it is to work retail/customer service. I know how much it sucks when a customer yells at you for something completely out of your control, or talks to you like you're stupid and acts like they could do your job better than you, or just happens to take their bad day out on you regardless of how good your service is. It fucking sucks, so I try to be extra polite... even when I might be fuming on the inside and composing a letter of complaint in my head that will never be sent ;) So needless to say, I think it's a pretty crappy deal when I'm the customer, I'm being courteous, and I get the attitude.
Bull wasn't even our waitress that evening, I just happened to let her know of the bacon mishap because I didn't see our waitress anywhere (it was a really busy night, and there was just two of them). When our waitress came to check on us again, I asked her what Bull's name was, and then proceed to say, "Well, she's extremely rude."
And after that, I felt awful.
I don't know why... Bull was rude to me. But I worried that what I'd said had gotten back to her, and suddenly all sorts of thoughts started running through my mind, everything from irrational to.... irrational. What if she gave me a look-to-kill? What if she said something to me and I lost control and had a panic attack? What if she tried to poison mine/my dad's/Vuni's drink? What if she complained to whoever does the booking, and they decide they don't want Vuni to play with the band anymore because his girlfriend is too big of a bitch? What-if-what-if-what-if?! Very irrational... but that doesn't mean I can stop the thoughts, or the fear that comes with it.
I've avoided the "Big Band Venue" for the past few weeks, letting Vuni make the weekly trip with his parents and grandparents. Really, though, I've been avoiding Bull.
This is how it always goes with people, places, situations that scare me. I feel as though I become paralyzed with fear, and simply cannot face it. Must avoid it at all costs, even if it means sacrificing pleasure. (For example... I have been to the mall in our city only twice in the past year (accompanied!), after a horrific experience working at the Joann's in there).
So flash ahead to last night. I agreed to go for the ride, but it is because I wanted to attend the opening of a friend's art showing. This in itself was a huge step, however, it also happened to be a good friend (Tiff), and I love art... which I just realized, is example one of "the love bubble"! I didn't even think about that until now... Tiff's a really chill person and even though I knew I'd be around strangers, I assumed they'd all be legit, considering they were friends of Tiff. But what really pulled me out of that fear was my longing to see Tiff's artwork (mmm! so visually pleasing!).
The art showing was at a little bar/cafe just six blocks from the Big Band Venue, so I walked. I stayed there as long as I felt I could, but left in plenty of time, not wanting to get back to the Big Band Venue late and make Vuni and his parents wait. After a good healthy dose of meditating on Tiff's display, I left feeling a total sense of calm. Drunk on inspiration. Heart exploding with love for creativity and creative people.
Me ("tall," on the chair ;) examining Tiff's display
And the cherry on the top? It was raining. And I had an umbrella, meaning I wouldn't get cold and wet ;) So I floated back to the Big Band Venue through the rain <3
Once outside the Big Band Venue, I heard the band playing, and started to deflate just a little. Not because of the band (no no, they are wonderfully talented), but because I realized that I would have to either wait outside for the remaining two songs, or go inside... and most likely run into Bull. Oh no. My chest tightened, heart quickened, and I felt an internal battle waging- do I give in to the fear, and stay where I'm safe? Or do I be a strong, supportive girlfriend, and go in to watch my boy's last two songs? I approached the door, then ran back to the car. Twice. Then, I finally collapsed my umbrella, and told myself if you are truly a loving and strong girlfriend, you will face this fear.
And so I went inside. The thought of Vuni, as I could hear his bass before I could see him, surrounded me like a bubble. That's what I imagined. Tacky as it sounds, I pictured the love I feel for this guy coming out of me and surrounding me; not making the fear go away, but making me stronger than it. Yes, I saw Bull. Yes, I felt nervous and tried to stay as far away from her as possible. And yes... it was only for maybe 10 minutes, during the end of the show... but it is a victory. And those 10 minutes were worth it; when I see and hear Vuni playing his bass, I fall in love with him all over. And suddenly, I was floating again.
No comments:
Post a Comment