My "Blue Book," which I received at my first AA meeting
In fact, my first AA meeting was only the beginning of a very long night; one of the longest and yet, most relieving nights of my life.
Vuni and I drove back to my parent's house after that first meeting.
I knew shit was going to be rough the moment I walked into my parent's house. If anyone has ever had an intervention done on them... or even, a serious talk from their parents, you know that strange feeling where the atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable, and a lot is about to be admitted and discussed. I could sense it as soon as I walked through the doorway; my dad steered me to the couch, and sat me down between himself and my mom. Vuni, looking like a nervous wreck, sat on the loveseat.
My dad then asked, "do you have anything to tell us?"
Ack.
My parents are truly wonderful people- the kind where, even for someone like myself, who can't stand to have people mad at her, their disappointment is even worse to face than their anger. I'd faced this kind of thing before, and it scared the crap out of me. However, this time... it was different. I was feeling so empowered, having just taken things upon myself to seek help, that the words just came tumbling out.
To this day, I don't think I was able to convey the amount of anxiety I had been experiencing, but I was able to to admit the extent of my drinking, and everything I'd done wrong in the past year. My parents, needless to say, were in absolute awe that I was not only admitting that I had a problem, but that I was very much willing to get help.
Apparently, before Vuni took me to the AA meeting, my mom had talked to him while I was off somewhere talking to my dad. She asked him, "Is Em okay? Be honest with me," to which Vuni said, "No... she's not okay." While I was at the meeting, Vuni returned to my parents house, and told them about everything that had been going on; so even if I had not been honest with them, they knew. I had kinda figured, as I was explaining everything, that they knew more than they were letting on, and it all made sense when they told me about their talk with Vuni. My poor mother did not have so much faith in me; she had sent Vuni to go drive around the church where the AA meeting was, telling him, "There's no way Em went into that meeting... she probably ran away! Please, make sure she's not outside, wandering around..." I think Vuni did so to humor her, but he had seen me walk into the church with the other AA members, so I think he felt fairly sure that I was alright on my own.
So not only were my parents shocked at my raw honesty, but also, at the fact that I had stuck to my guns and sought help- on my own. Without them forcing or coaxing me into it. Let me tell you, it was a powerful feeling; sure, it sucked admitting at how badly I'd fucked up, but on the flip side, my parents were immensely proud of me for owning up to what I'd done wrong, and wanting to fix it. Poor Vuni seemed overwhelmed with relief; glad that the truth was finally out, and both surprised and thrilled that I was not angry with him for talking to my parents. How could I be, though? He loves me enough to do something that many people would not be willing to do. It took an immense amount of courage, and I will never forget that.
Although the evening had been exhilarating in the fact that it felt SO GOOD to be honest and take steps in the right direction, it was a very rough night indeed. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I could no longer drink to escape. I did not sleep that night.
I hadn't been to school in over a month; I felt like I'd been a nobody there. No one had called me, no one had emailed or Facebooked me to see why I'd just suddenly disappeared. This didn't surprise me; I'd always somewhat thought of myself as the Invisible Girl. But imagine my shock when, five days after my first AA meeting, I was contacted by one of my professors. I'd always liked Ellie; I'd been in several of her classes, but I assumed that I was merely another student to her- just another face in the crowd. So when she said that she wanted to meet me for coffee, to make sure that I was okay, I was humbled and thrilled, and felt that I owed her the truth.
I thought it would be very difficult to admit to her my problems; I wasn't the greatest student, by any means, but I also doubt anyone would have suspected that I was dealing with something as outrageous as alcoholism. I was embarrassed; but once Ellie and I sat down, and I began talking, suddenly it just all came out, much as it had done so with my parents. I worried that she would see me differently; I worried that she would doubt my abilities, and see me as a failure, just another student who would drop out because she was stupid and screwed up.
She didn't.
In fact, she has never given up on me. I have had some awesome teachers and professors throughout my school years; none quite compare to Ellie, however. I would not have found the courage to return to school without her; she has helped see me through it to the end, and always been there, whether I needed help with something regarding school, or just bitching and crying about life.
But back to the alcohol story ;)
After confessing my issues to Ellie, I began attending an AA meeting every day. You would think, that life without school or job would be easy; it was one of the hardest times of my life.
Less than a week before I was about to reach my 30 day sobriety, I began to get scared. I don't know why; for some reason, I was afraid of reaching a solid monument of time. I was afraid... what if I reached the 30 days milestone, then slipped, and had to start all over again? Would my 30 Day chip mean nothing? So I purposely went out and bought some vodka. The first time, I didn't get caught; when I made the same mistake again, several days later and a day before what would have been my 30 days, I happened to call my younger brother while tipsy. He alerted my parents; I got chewed out by both them and Vuni the next day :( However, that was all I needed to shake that irrational fear out of me. November 19, 2010, at about 10:45 in the evening, was the last time I drank.
I continued to attend at least one AA meeting every day. I actually looked forward to them; even though I didn't talk much, I loved being around people who knew exactly what I was going through. I'd bring my sketch book (I'm a restless person, what can I say), and as I listened to other people around me share their thoughts and emotions in relations to substance issues, I'd draw. It was a wonderful sort of therapy, and it kept me sane when I thought the anxiety and lack of alcohol was getting out of control.
A page of flower doodles I did over the course of several meetings.
Although I found the meetings extremely helpful, and credit them for being my saving grace (aside from Vuni, my parents, and a few other people including Ellie), I began to have some issues with things in the program. I was meeting with my sponsor, L, fairly regularly, but I felt that things were not moving along in that sense because L and I were not seeing eye to eye on some things; when I admitted that I occasionally smoked weed and took anti-anxiety meds, she voiced her concern. While I understand the whole "nothing that affects you from the neck up," mentality that she was getting at, I didn't agree with it- especially since she seemed to think that it was wrong that I was on medication to manage my panic attacks. I decided to switch sponsors, but when my potential new sponsor voiced expressed the same opinion, I felt that it was time for me to go sponsorless.
In a weird way, I think this experience with my (potential) sponsors is what strengthened my resolve. You can call it stubbornness, but the fact that they said, "Anything affecting you from the neck up will only lead you back to alcohol," lit a tenacious fire in me. I was going to prove that just because I was on medication, it didn't mean I couldn't overcome my issues with alcohol.
Two weeks after going sponsorless, and five days before Christmas, my mom and brother (visiting for the holidays from out of town) came with me to my AA meeting where I received my 30-Day Sobriety coin. It was the last meeting I attended. When asked to tell the group about my 30 days sober, I told them that there is no way I could have done it without the support of AA. That is the honest truth.
My 30-Day Sober Chip; I keep it in my purse as a reminder of my hard work.
Why did I stop going? Some of it goes back to anxiety, but I didn't like the experience I had with my sponsors. I have always had trust issues, and always had trouble connecting people. Throughout my life, I've had a hard enough time making and keeping friends, people you bond with over interests and similarities; imagine me trying to bond with people over substance abuse issues. I felt like I'd taken not one, but two chances being open and honest, and it had backfired in condescending judgement. I'm not angry at either person; if that is their believe, then that is what they believe. To me, they were still two incredible people, who'd done amazing jobs at turning their lives around after such life-controlling issues. However, I wasn't going there to be judged, and I felt like that's what was happening. I love and believe in the program, but when it comes down to the personal, one-on-one portion, I just didn't feel like it worked for me.
I will forever be grateful to AA for getting me through those first (almost) 2 months; for giving me the tools to have faith in myself and faith in something higher then myself. They truly helped me see that things could be better, could be different, and that I did not need alcohol in my life.
That being said... I am not sure I ever was a true alcoholic. I had very serious issues with alcohol; I used it to drown out overwhelming anxiety, to silence the voices I could not.
But in less than two weeks, I will hit 9 months sober. I have not been to an AA meeting since receiving my 30 Day Sobriety chip.
It hasn't been easy, but it has gotten immensely easier with time. I'm not sure at exactly what point it happened (I believe it was somewhere around my 30 days), but I suddenly realized that I no longer craved alcohol; for those first 2 months, especially the first few weeks, I craved it constantly. It was obviously hardest when my anxiety felt the most out of control, but I would often crave it because I missed everything from how it loosened me up to the actual act of drinking. I had to almost completely remove myself from the bar scene (something pretty difficult to do when your boyfriend is a musician) for the first 5 months; only in late spring did I really start going to Vuni's shows again. Now, when I go, I have almost no desire to drink; if I do, it's just because I miss having a rum and coke or whatever while the show's going on, not because I want to get slammed... and I quickly shake off the desire. Memories of what alcohol did to me haunt me, and when I'm actually close enough to smell it, I get nauseated. I'm suddenly taken back to my super hang-over, the one I experienced the day of my first AA meeting; I can easily say I'd never drink again if it meant I'd never have to go through that again.
However, I also am unsure if I have to abstain from alcohol forever. I know that now, at this point in my life, I don't need it. I have no intention to drink now, or any time in the near future, but that's not to say I'd one day be opposed to drinking a wedding toast should Vuni and I get married, or having a little fun the next time we go to Las Vegas. It all depends on where I am at that time; but I truly feel that my experience with alcoholism was such a horrific one, I will never let it control my life again, whether it means never letting another drop of it touch my tongue or not. I really don't know, and I'm not going to say at this point one way or the other. It's up in the air.
What I do know, is that I escaped the realm of alcoholism. I was caught in this spiral of doom for what I believe most alcoholics would consider a short amount of time, but I know, that while I was there, it was pure hell. Anyone going through any type of addiction knows how hard it is; you feel absolutely powerless and that there is no way to quit, while knowing that if you don't, only destruction and death lie ahead of you. It's one hell of an internal battle, but I am proof that it's not impossible. I didn't think it was possible in the beginning, and in the blink of an eye, I've been sober for nearly 9 months.
My anxiety hasn't gone away, and life is still pretty damn rough at this point for me, but it would be in shambles (or not exist at all) had alcohol remained in the picture. Plus, despite the anxiety and things not being where I wish they were, life is so much better without alcohol.
So please, if you're reading this, and you or someone you know has issues with alcohol... seek help. It truly is possible to overcome this addiction; you are never alone. You can escape from the realm of Alcohell.
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