I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat things; so this is probably going to sound like a lot of bitching. Hell, it is a lot of bitching, but I need to do this. I need to be honest; I am not going to run from these thoughts.
I've had a hard day. A hard day after another hard day after... a lot of really hard months. We've been denied food assistance, I have a bad double ear/nasal canal infection, and Vuni and I got into the most painful, non-fighting fight that we've ever been in.
It was stupid to think, but for some reason, I thought that when Vuni and I moved in together a year ago... life would really start to look up. I thought I/we would get things on track, start acting like adults, start saving and planning for our future, ect.
I'm to blame for a good deal of why things went wrong; or, at least, why they got off to a very rough start. My alcoholism lost me my job, put me back a semester to graduate, and cost a good chunk of money.
But I've been trying to turn things around; I felt incredibly guilty after the whole alcoholism fiasco. I've never stopped job hunting; I've put in countless of applications, gone to many interviews, and spent hours and hours searching the internet and local newspaper and writing cover letters/asking for letters of recommendation. Several times, I have come within literally a hair of getting a job (twice, yes, TWICE told I was hired, only later to be told that there wasn't enough in the budget). Despite my anxiety and dislike of school, I attended classes like a good girl and got great grades. I did everything I was suppose to, and am now just waiting on my diploma to come in the mail. I've obviously stayed very much away from alcohol... despite being constantly surrounded by it.
So, jobless and anxious, stressed and anticipating the end of my last semester of school... I find out that I have to have heart surgery. Again. For the 4th time. While I didn't use it as an excuse to stop job hunting, it put a serious damper on it; we had no idea what the length of recovery time would look like for me, as the surgery was an extremely high-risk one with a lot of things that could potentially go wrong. So what was I to tell potential employers? Well, I might be able to start at x date, but I'm having major surgery with high risk for a lot of different complications, so really, I can start anytime between x and x depending on how it goes! Ummm... no.
The seriousness of this past surgery changed something in me. I've known for a long time that I need to grow up, and, as explained above, I had been trying to take steps towards being a better adult. However, having a very serious surgery on probably the scariest organ to have a surgery on (besides the brain maybe) two weeks before my 25th birthday... let's just say it probably scared some sense into me. I don't know how else to explain it.
Since my surgery, I have stopped smoking everything. I use to smoke weed regularly, and also cigarettes. I have not smoked since before my surgery. I also realize that my eating has to change; probably one of the scariest things for me, since I have never been a normal eater. Nevertheless, I've been trying my hardest to get better. I've also overcome a many-year-long addiction to caffeine; I use to drink several cups of coffee and at least 2-4 cans of soda every day. I have coffee and soda several times a week, but mostly stick to iced tea, juice, and water. For the first time in my life, I LOVE water.
I have also been trying to be a better girlfriend. I do literally 99% of the housework; I do not mind (even if it means putting his dirty clothes in the hamper or putting his dishes in the dishwasher), because I love a clean house and I love taking care of Vuni. I try to encourage his interests, and not only do I not complain about him hanging out with friends, but I often encourage that as well. I've explained to him that I finally understand that what he wants to do with his life (professional musician) means that sometimes, he'll have to be gone for weeks at a time. I'm not thrilled about it, but I understand it. Hence me also encouraging him to spend time with friends; I'm getting better about alone time. Also, it kills me that he works full time, at a job he hates, making measly pay, so when he's not at work, I want him to enjoy himself. I do my best to not nag or complain. As my friend AJ said, "You put up with and do a lot." I'm trying to be a supportive, caring, loving girlfriend, and I feel like I am doing a relatively good job... until Vuni makes me feel otherwise.
I'll get to that part in a bit; for now, you may be wondering how the hell I'm managing to not go crazy with a.) all of the serious life changes I'm trying to make b.) the anxiety disorder c.) the fact that I am pretty much an isolated loner, with few people/places/events to distract me. Here's how:
I dream.
I've had a big imagination for as long as I can remember. It's gotten me through so much, and, though it can be crazy, is what I'd say has kept me sane in the darkest of times. I've had a dream formulating over the past few years, that has really become fine-tuned over the past few months, which has kept me going, kept me strong: I dream of "our" future.
More than anything, I want to be Vuni's wife and have his children. I picture him, when I least expect it, getting down on one knee, pulling a box out of his pocket, and asking me to be his wife; I imagine myself utter a breathless "yes!", tears of love and excitement running down my cheeks, as he slips a beautiful white gold ring onto my finger. I imagine my dad, handsome and face lit up with emotion, walking me, in a custom dress that no other women has, down the isle, where Vuni waits for me to be his forever. We honeymoon somewhere tropical, where we can be lazy on the beach all day. We come home to a beautiful (not large or elaborate, but cute and cozy) home, decorated with my artwork and full of Ikea furniture. I imagine my heart skipping beats, and tears of unbelieving joy falling out of my eyes as I see a + on a pregnancy test. We take a belly shot every week, and I blog consistently about the pregnancy. We find out it's a girl, and I prepare an insanely gorgeous nursery for her. Our moms throw me an absolutely stunning baby shower. The time finally comes, and I have our breathtaking, beautiful little girl; she has Vuni's pale skin and pink cheeks and his large green eyes, but is tiny and petite like me, with my dark hair. Once home, I spend all day long with my baby girl; keeping the house up, baking, art-making, and waiting for Daddy to come home from his wonderful job, which is him playing music all day long. We're the happiest little family I could ever imagine, and life couldn't get any better.
I spend a lot of my alone time surfing the internet; I read new-mom blogs. I look at baby gear and nurseries. I look at real estate in potential cities we could live in. I shop for wedding rings and browse wedding cakes. I scan Orbitz and Expedia for possible honeymoon destinations. I "build" my dream car. All to add visualization to my dream.
I fantasize constantly about what our lives could look like, and it has done wonders...
...but now....
I realize it may be nothing more than a dream; far, far away from reality. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and even stupid for dreaming those dreams.
Vuni has always been very, very reluctant to talk about the future. His future. Our future. The few times I manage to get him to talk about it, it usually ends in a despairing argument, with him pointing out the fact that my anxiety and inability to keep a job is what's holding us back. Other than a vague "play music and professional poker," he does not discuss his dreams of the future with me.
So a little over a week ago, I decided to try discussing things again; only this time, I was more nervous; I suggested him going into the Air Force. In a nutshell, he could be an Air Force musician (going in as an officer, since he already has his degree), and we'd get a lot of benefits. My dreams could come true. His could come true- though maybe not necessarily in the way he'd imagined. I do not doubt Vuni's talent or dedication to music in the least bit, but the reality is, he has a very slim chance of "making it" as a professional musician. There are many, many talented souls out there who have let their dreams of becoming a professional musician fade into a hobby because they just couldn't make it. If he were in the Air Force... he'd obviously have to make quite a few lifestyle changes, but on the flip side, he would get to do what he loves. And travel while doing it. And he'd be able to support us; we'd be able to live my dreams, and start a family.
He did not say much during the conversation, but seemed relatively interested. At least, he didn't get defensive and pissed off, like I was dreading. I felt like I explained myself well, and really felt like maybe he was starting to understand that we do need to do a bit of growing up, if we are ever to leave this town and live beyond paycheck to paycheck. He started kissing me, and we had a lovely night together after that.
It was all shattered last night.
I almost feel as though I should have just given my spill to the wall. When I brought up the "Air Force Idea" again, to ask if he'd given it any more thought, he told me he wasn't going to join there Air Force just to do it (well duh... but I thought I gave him reasons?). I then said, "well, I know that our immediate plan is obviously to work, pay off our debt, and save... but what do you want beyond that?" I have always told him that I will follow him; especially now. With my dream being wanting a family with him, I figure career and logistics are totally up to him; I will be along for the ride, whatever he decides.
He told me that our current situation makes it hard to even think about the future. When I kept prodding, he said, "well, not to be rude, but the main reason things are on hold is because I've been waiting around to see if you could get and keep a job."
My heart cracked.
I feel like all the efforts I've made have been in vain. I feel like all the work I do around the house means nothing. I feel like everything I've sacrificed, every obstacle I've overcome, has just been overlooked. I feel like my dreams do not matter, my emotions do not matter, I do not matter. I do not deserve to have my dreams to come true. I do not deserve to dream. I am worthless; I am unlovable; I am nothing.
In addition, he does not see my disabilities as real; while I should not and try to not hide in them, the fact of the matter is, they're very real. If they were not real, I would not have several doctors suggest I apply for disability. If they were not real, I could run and exercise like a normal 25 year old, and hold a job like a normal 25 year old. In addition to never giving up on job hunting, I'm waiting to be approved for disability... which would mean income.
I do not want to seem as though I am ungrateful to Vuni; not at all. He is the one who pays almost all of the bills, and he is the one who works full time at a job he hates. But I'm the one who has done the sacrificing and growing up. I'm the one who has realized that we can't be living like slacker pot head college kids. I'm the one who, though afraid, realizes that if we want adult things, like a nice house and nice cars and vacations and such... we have to make changes and grow up. We've been together for over 5 years. We're in our fucking mid twenties, for godsake. I know age is just a number, but in many ways, we've been like college freshmen, living in the Vuni & Em frat house. Mommy and daddy pay for the insurance and car and medical stuff and whatnot; Vuni and Em party with few responsibilities, wracking up credit card bills to fund their media/entertainment/smoking/drinking needs. Well, guess what. That's not going to last forever. And we're not going to get anywhere near his dreams or my dreams at the rate we're going.
I take full responsibility for my past fuck ups, and setting us back thus far. It's been a learning experience, but I truly feel I am trying to get on the right path, after years and years of struggling. I want to be happy; I want to be a better person, and I want to share my life with Vuni. I'm still looking for a job, despite waiting to be approved for disability (hey, I have a job interview tomorrow). Yet when I try to talk about our issues and the future, the blame is always thrown back in my face. I'm the reason our lives are shitty right now. I'm the reason Vuni has no hope for the future.
So what does this mean now? I really don't know. After he told me that I'm what is holding him back, I left. I never text while driving, but while speeding away, I sent him a text simply saying, "I'm sorry I've fucked up your life." I spent the next three and half hours wandering in an aimless daze around Walmart.
I started crying while driving home around 11:30 last night; when I got home, I kept crying. Vuni was awake. He sat and waited with me. Waiting on me, as always. Waiting for me to say something. You know what though? I'm the one who does all of the talking. All. The. Fucking. Time. I rarely get to hear his thoughts or emotions, on any subject. It's always me being honest, me admitting when I fuck up... and more and more, me being the one who takes action. His past excuses have been "I have trouble talking about what I'm feeling; that's not what it was like in my family." Well, guess what, buddy? That's your damn family! He and I are pretty much a family now, and I refuse to just let things seem like they're okay when they're not. I refuse to turn a blind eye to issues and problems, like he's been taught to do. He's told me in the past that he does not want to end up like his close-minded, short-fused, emotionally-absent father; but his actions are pointing directly down that path.
Today, we've said nothing but a few sentences to each other. I have no idea where things will go from here. The truth is, I love this man; I love him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. He is a truly beautiful soul; he is loving and talented and understanding and funny and intelligent and... so many, many things that I want in a life partner. He deserves to dream big, and he deserves for these big dreams to come true. I want to both of our dreams to come true; I know it would be unfair to ask him to do something he really does not want to do but where is the line drawn? At what point can I say, "if you love me enough, and want a better future for US, then you will do ----"? At what point would it be asking too much? I feel like I have done so much for myself, for him, and for us as a couple, but all that matters to him is money, stability, and material. It comes down to Em not being able to get and keep a job. It's okay for him to want to be a professional musician or poker player, but how dare I dream about potentially being a stay at home mom?
The thought of him not being in my life is so extremely painful, I can't even think about it. I mean, literally, when I try to imagine it, I go numb and blank. I can't fathom it. We've been together for 1/5 of our lives, all of our adult lives, and have been through more together in these past 5 years than many couples go through in their life time, from incredibly amazing experiences to horrific ones.
I don't know what's going to happen now; he is at a gig as I write. I hope we can work things out; reality is harsh, but I hope it doesn't mean that dreams can't come true... because at this point, it's all I'm clinging to.
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