**Disclaimer- this is a depressing, whiny post. I really needed to get some of this out though, so I apologize in advice for the gloom.
I kind of feel right now like I'm just existing. Existing because I have to... because I'm here and alive.
The Twilight Saga is one of my guilty pleasures... I actually am angry with myself for liking those books, because personally, I think they're sappy and I really don't like the message they send to young women, but whatever. I kind of feel like Bella did in New Moon though... not that bad, because it's not that there's no happiness or that I'm totally depressed, but...
...things are just so strange now. Surreal. Not really in a good way; they are what they are, but they could be a hell of a lot better.
It has finally hit me that I am officially finished with school. I've graduated. Have my degree. School started this week... and I'm not there. I turn on the radio, and listen to the student radio station I use to work at (for credit, not cash ;), and hear former classmates... and it's so weird that I'm not there. It's not that I'm not happy to be finished... believe me, a lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into my degree, and I'm happy to have it, however... I've been in school since I was 4. That means I've spent the past 5/6 years of my life in school. I really don't know what it's like to not be a student. Being a student has consumed the majority of my life. If you're doing the math- yes, I graduated from high school in 2004. Yes, my 4-year plan became a 7-year plan; it was a combination of changing my major several times (and still having no idea how I ended up with a degree in Macom... trying to figure that one out for myself) and having to take a semester or two off due to health reasons. But those times, I was on a hiatus; this time, I'm actually finished. It's an extremely bittersweet sensation. Happy to be finished, sad that it's over.
I also feel lost... because I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I know what I want, and although I think about it all the time, it's almost as though I put it in a box high up on a shelf in the corner of my mind, because it is so unattainable right now. I can look at it, and it's sort of nice to think about, but I don't know how realistic I'm being. In all fairness... Vuni is right. I'm placing a lot of pressure on him; my dreams rely heavily on him. Also, however... I don't see much in store for the immediate future besides somehow generating income and saving, and the immediate future beyond that... more squeaking by, because Vuni wants to go to graduate school, and possibly get his doctorate's degree as well. This means I'm going to have to be patient for a few more years, at least. And that's if things go well. Dammit Em, you pessimist... MAKE THEM go well ;) But seriously, I don't mean to be a pessimist; I'm just very skeptical, because I thought that by the time I reached my mid-twenties... I'd be, you know, further along in life. Part of me thought I'd be successful at something; the other part was terrified, wondering how in the hell I could possibly survive in the adult world. (<--- wow, totally screwed up sentence, and I really don't care).
I'm terrified of the unknown, and I despise feeling so uncertain. All of these feelings, plus trying to suppress the other demons (the ED voice, the substance desires) are pushing me to my limit... but that's where the numbness comes in. I cannot hurt myself. I cannot just give up. Over 5 years ago, on a desperate whim to escape feelings I did not think I could cope with, I attempted suicide, and I KNOW that it is NEVER the answer. I also know that giving in to alcohol cravings, starving myself and over-exercising and binging and purging, and self-harming will not only NOT solve anything, but will just make things worse and set me back further. I have no choice but to realize that life just isn't where I want it to be right now, and yeah... it kinda sucks :( It sucks, because I am always worried. Well, okay, so duh, I deal with extreme anxiety and I am worried a lot because of it, but there have been periods of my life when it was less. It didn't seem to constantly consume me. It was worrying about far lesser things. Because if there's two things I hate worrying about, it's finances and the future.
I feel like I'm caught in a never-ending spiral. I realize that money does not solve all problems, but lack of it sure causes a lot. Tight funds mean no money for desperately needed therapy. It means no money to be able to do things; one of my favorite things to do, ever since I was a little girl, has been shopping. A shopping spree is a fantasy; being able to afford something inexpensive is a once-in-a-blue-moon treat. "Window shopping," is fun every now and then with my mom, because I get to do a rare bit of going out-and-about, but on the flip side, it gets depressing fast because then I want stuff, and obviously can't have it. So this just makes me want to stay home, further contributing to my agoraphobia. Also, I was bitching to Vuni tonight; even when I do start getting income (whether it be finally landing a job I can handle, or being approved for disability), it's not gonna go to things I want. It's going to rent, to credit card bills (which, to most people, aren't THAT much, but seem like a shitload to me), and to at least paying my parents back some money for all that they've leant me (because I know that, medical wise, I've been pretty expensive too :( Yeesh).
I hate to be sounding so negative right now :( I did promise, however, that I would be honest and not sugar coat things; that would defeat the purpose of this blog. It sucks admitting this stuff, but I doubt that I'm the only person going through this. Remember (if you've read other posts) how I said that I like to read pregnancy/new mom blogs? Weirdo! One that I check regularly, because I just adore the blogger (Tyler) and fell in love with her story, is called The Tiny Bubble. She wrote a post awhile back about how new moms should stop pretending that being a new mom is always peachy, or pretending that they are perfect at it, when in fact, being a new mom is extremely difficult and can make you want to run away sometimes; it's not only okay, it's normal, and moms should band together and share their feelings rather than act like it's taboo to get frustrated and such. Well, guess what? I know can't be the only person who deals with extreme anxiety, has made some dumb financial mistakes (cough cough... credit cards!), and, indeed, just some ignorant choices in general... and is now paying the consequences, which suck. Bottling all of this up is only making me feel like my head is going to explode; I'm not proud of what's going on, but I'd rather talk about it then hold it inside and let it consume me, pushing me to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
So if you deal with any type of anxiety, if you're struggling with finances, if you're worried about the future, if you're feeling empty, lost, and/or uncertain... you're not alone. We can be strong; even if it means being numb. It's taken me years to learn this lesson, but sometimes, you just have to keep trudging along, head down, straight into the wind blowing against you. That's how I see myself right now. I'm not giving up, because even though it's hard to imagine that things actually will get better, I haven't and won't stopped hoping.
I have one more thing to complain about tonight... totally pointless, but it's freaking me out and let's face it, whining and getting it off of the chest (no pun intended, given what I'm about to say) will make me feel a little better. The right portion of my most recent surgery scar has been itching horribly. I was scratching it tonight (though trying not to), but when I looked down, it was dark and bleeding. I went into the bathroom to look in the mirror for better/further inspection... it looks like a blood blister or something has formed there? Now it no longer itches, but hurts. I'm crossing my fingers this isn't something bad... and yet another thing to really be worrying about.
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