Through My Eyes

Hi World :)

I'm Em- and I've decided to break my silence.

Even if this is "just" in the Blog-o-Sphere. I have a Voice, and it's time it be heard. Not necessarily because I am craving a moment in the spotlight (actually, far from that), but because... it is time I start thinking outside of myself, and about how I can help others. How can I be of service? as Dr. Wayne Dyer would say. But how can I help others and think outside myself if I am letting my Voice out?

Because I want others to know that they are not alone- and I think I can do this by giving an ongoing account of my story.

Exactly 2 weeks before my 25th birthday (which was at the beginning of July), I had my FOURTH heart surgery.

Maybe that seems like a big deal, maybe it doesn't... then add on these other facts:

• I've dealt with disordered eating for a good portion of my life, from over-eating to bulimia to anorexia, which has thus resulted in my weight ranging from obese to emaciated 
• I've dealt with (and overcome) severe alcoholism
• I've been in FOUR car accidents- two of which were very severe
• I've been through a very emotionally abusive relationship
• I somehow managed to recover from a very bad allergic reaction (resulted in 3 month long paralysis) to an insect sting
• I've overcome self-harm
• I constantly battle OCD thoughts & rituals
• I somehow survived two very-near-fatal suicide attempts

(** note- the heart condition is something I was born with- not a result of any of the above)

Some of the things were just bad cards I've been dealt; could've happened to anyone. However, notice a trend? I'll elaborate a bit more:

As I have gotten older, my world has shrunken into a teeny, tiny place. I trust almost no one. I'm terrified of strangers. I have almost no social life, and social situations are extremely difficult. I'm unhealthily attached to the three people who mean everything to me (my parents, and AMAZING boyfriend, Vuni). I have crippling panic attacks frequently. I cry like a kid when upset, or throw a fit of rage. I can list the number of places I can go alone (as in, without Vuni or the Rents) on one had.  I can't sleep without aid. I haven't had a job in almost a year, and just barely (after 7 years) finished my degree. I spend(t) a lot of time anxiously pacing around my house or chewing and spitting food (too nervous of what the calories will do to me). Things that were once fun (shopping, the movie/concerts, amusement parks, ect.) are a thing of the past. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive, and always worry about what others think of me. I constantly feel afraid, tense, or nervous; very rarely relaxed. 

Yup, I have an anxiety disorder. It took me almost until age 25 (so just within this past year) to realize that a lot of problems I have had throughout my life all trace back to anxiety. Looking over all of the above, I'd call myself a trainwreck. My dad, however, calls it brave...

Until I really stop and think about it, I don't realize just how right he is. Some situations have been in my control, some have just been seriously misfortunate luck of the draw. Regardless of what I brought about through my own actions, or what just happened... I've had to face it all with this horrible monster called Anxiety living inside of me. Anxiety makes daily life a challenge; imagine anticipating heart surgery or battling an overwhelming craving for alcohol with Anxiety tearing at your soul. 

I'm not sharing all of this stuff to make anyone feel sorry for me; pity is the last thing I need. I'm telling the World about life through my eyes, because I want the World to know that it IS possible to get through the "impossible." Maybe anxiety affects you on a daily basis too (and perhaps, like myself, you are only just coming to realize it). Maybe it almost never does, but you're feeling it come some sort of trauma/anticipation, and you just don't know how you're going to deal with it. Maybe you just want to look at the World through another person's eyes. Regardless- anxiety isn't the end of things, even when it seems like it may be. I've faced countless times where I've felt so backed into a corner, I just didn't see a way out. Shit, I still have those days, those moments- but I know better now. There's ways to get through it- alive, and without hurting yourself. 

This is a look at life, through the eyes of a "little girl" with anxiety.