A Year Ago Today...

I was delirious from lack of sleep (did not sleep AT ALL during the night) and simultaneously very keyed up.


Last night was the one year anniversary of my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.


I'm not quite to one year of sobriety... that's not until November 22 (slipped twice, somewhat intentionally, in the first 30 days). But going to the AA meeting is one of the bravest things I have ever done. Nobody forced me to go. Nobody went with me. I, agoraphobic, anxious, shy Em, found the strength and the courage to walk into an AA meeting, full of strangers, alone. 


Going to an AA meeting for the first time is scary enough when you're not a little ball of anxiety. I know, because of the countless stories I've heard. And, I mean, think about it... admitting that you have an addiction to alcohol, that you are letting your life be ruled by a nearly uncontrollable, never-ceasing craving to drink. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. Not only are you admitting this shit to yourself... you're admitting it to a room full of total strangers.


Needless to say, it takes a lot. Lots of inner strength, lots of courage. But it is very possible- and very worth it.


I'm still not convinced I need to abstain from alcohol my whole life.


Alcohol itself wasn't the thing I was addicted to; I was addicted to the way it made me feel. The rush of self-confidence it gave me. The way the room warmed and blurred, making everything seem "safe." The feeling of contentment. The numbness. The blacking out; not having to worry about insomnia. And the forgetfulness- in the morning I never remembered how stupid I'd behaved; I only knew what Vuni told me.


I'm proud to say that, while I feel a slight sense of longing for these things... it's such a fleeting desire. Like a veil hiding something hideous; pretty, but look beyond it, and there's nothing but despair. I still literally feel sick remembering the absolutely awful hangover I had a year ago yesterday. It was tempting to do the "easy" (and expensive) thing- my parents asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital/a detox center... but no. I felt I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. I needed to burn into my mind just how physically painful it was, how destructive alcohol could be. And this has helped me- because that memory has reminded me of why I need to stay away from alcohol. Why it's not worth slipping up.


I don't think I could ever get addicted to alcohol again, but now is not the time for me to be taking chances. I'd love to enjoy a tasty beer again, or margarita... but until I am more skilled at using positive coping methods, it's best that I stick to the sobriety path :) 


Happy one year- never forget how brave you can be <3