Suffocating :(

I need some serious help. Soon.


I think I talked about this in a previous post (maybe my last one?) but I tend to run and/or evade problems. I don't like to deal with stuff head on, until I absolutely have to. You'd think I would've learned by now... that addressing a problem early on, before it becomes much of a problem, is the best way to handle things. I don't seem to learn though...


I am so stuck right now :( Seriously, I'm boxed in.


I'm pretty much absolutely broke.


Vuni asked me last week if I could please start asking my parents for rent money, until I am able to come up with it. It's absolutely fair for him to ask... only I don't know what the hell to do. My parents have been helping me pay bills as it is... I hate to ask for ever MORE money. 


One option is that my mom suggested we move in with her and my dad; she said we could turn the large family room that is downstairs into our room... so we'd have a little bit of privacy, and our own bathroom. I was SO scared to bring this idea up to Vuni... and I did manage to bring it up, but it didn't come out right. Or moreso, I wanted to wait to propose this idea until we could talk about it with my therapist; seeing as it is already the middle of the month, and my therapist can't squeeze me in for another week and a half... I brought the idea up last Friday by saying, "Hey babe... what would you think about possibly moving in with my parents?" To which he said something along the lines of, "I'm not that crazy about it."


I don't blame him. Not in the least bit. We absolutely adore my parents; LOVE them... but living with them?


I've always had a pretty great relationship with my parents, but the past few years of me living with them, before Vuni and I moved in together, were rough. We are on completely different sleep schedules, and of course, don't see eye-to-eye on everything. Once I moved out, even despite the alcoholic period, our relationship improved. We just needed that space, you know?


But it's not just about the space that is complicating things. It's the privacy, the success, the independence... I don't think I need to explain the privacy part, or the independence. Vuni and are in our mid-twenties, thus we're (relatively) independent from our parents, and obviously we want our privacy (TMI- but who honestly doesn't enjoy walking around their house in their undies?). Also, I say "relatively" independent mostly for my sake- considering the financial mess I'm in. The success part- that's a toughie. Maybe it's all me, and things I bring upon myself, but I can't help thinking that moving in with my parents would mean admitting failure. I would hate for Vuni to feel the same way, when really, it's my fault.


So I've been dealing with a LOT of shame and guilt recently. I feel like I've failed Vuni. We moved in together in the understanding that we would make this work together. I had no intention of losing my job; I had no intention of being unemployed for this long. I had no intention of the anxiety and agoraphobia, which have always been present in my life, completely taking over me to the degree that they have. Because it's not just job hunting and the prospect of working closely with people that terrifies me; I can't do things I once enjoyed, let alone face the things I absolutely dread. 


This leaves me... stuck. I'm broke. I've been job hunting ever since losing my job over a year ago; but I am also waiting to be approved for disability (under my Dr.'s recommendation: severe anxiety and heart conditions do NOT mix well). I feel worthless; although I try, I have not been contributing to our relationship financially (other than our internet bill). I feel incredibly guilty; is it my lack of contribution and disorders that are holding my boyfriend back? Not to mention... what must his parents think of me? I keep thinking that he deserves so much better... but I don't want to be apart from him. It's painful to even imagine.


What do I do? As I sit here typing this, my ears are ringing and my hands are tingling out of sheer anxiety. I feel so boxed in. Like I'm suffocating...